So, I hope that YOU don't take offense to this......I think if you are posting on a board that you need help in gaining trust after a year, I think BOTH of you need therapy. There are definitive exercises that MC's use to help regain trust and develop action plans so both spouses feel not only the desire, but the empowerment to move forward as well as tools to incorporate forgiveness and revive your relationship. You cannot do this alone. DS is a adjunct tool...it is not meant to replace therapy when needed.

She also has to learn to trust herself too. It works both ways. And trust you....with her feelings, her thoughts, her emotions.

I hear ALOT of BS on this board say, "We tried therapy, it didn't work....we didn't get anything out of it". Well then look for another therapist. Just like physicians, teachers......not everyone is going to click with everyone else. Rebuiding from an affair....learning from it....healing from it......takes sincere effort on both parts. Its really not something you can do alone, unless you are the type to put blinders on and sweep everything under the rug. The problem with that is that eventually the dust resurfaces.

There is a lot of ...he did this...she did this....I just want to know why.....blah blah...well what did YOU do as a BS to move forward (and I'm not talking about you per se). Personally I think life is too short to stay stuck in one event in your life. Either work on it or get out. I get it is not easy. I KNOW this is the most difficult thing I have ever encountered in my life personally. Those that know me here...know I struggle every single day...but I continue to truck along and know my only comfort in all this is knowing I will eventually heal.

I don't think the CS, as a rule, push the BS away. I think if you are asking questions in a genuine thoughtful way and seeking guidance, that's great. I think it is the BS' that come on the board because clearly they still are very, very bitter and deflect that bitterness on US as a whole that makes us defensive.

Good luck to you. I sincerely hope you and your wife find the strength to heal and forgive in your relationship, move forward, and learn from this very difficult yet insightful time in your marriage.

In my case, I immediately sought help. I was very proactive in taking steps to begin to heal and work out the how's and why's of what I had done.

Upon confrontation I admitted that I needed help and committed to doing whatever it would take to save our relationship.

I told everything right away and held nothing back. I knew the time for lies and secrets was over forever and that I would only get one shot at this so I better do it right.

I told him of every communication with the OM and, once NC was fully established, I told him even of every time I saw him car to car and of what transpired, i.e. smiling, waving, following, ignoring, etc. I still do tell him when I see OM but we no longer interact in those ways when we spot each other car to car. I don't react at all.

I drew very near my H and stayed in close communication throughout the day. I drive from place to place during the day, so he needed to know I was on track and thinking of him, and that he knew where I was and what I was doing throughout the day.

I worked hard on myself spiritually through the guidance of my priest.

I did everything the priest and counselor advised me to do.

We read books together and discussed many aspects of my A and A's in general.

I always discussed openly and honestly anything my H wanted to discuss, answered any and every question to the best of my ability no matter how hard and beyond simply answering questions, shared things myself as well to try to give him as much insight as possible into what had been going on with me and what was currently going on with me. I never shrank back from this process.

I think, in a nutshell, what the BS needs to see is radical transparency, especially for the first few years, authenticity and pro-activeness. They also need to see that you are turning towards them, not away, and that you are giving them 100% and show that in as many ways as you can. They need to see you working on yourself, learning to trust yourself again and gaining insight about yourself and what happened. They need to see that you are serious and you mean it and you will do whatever it takes to heal yourself and help them heal in the process.

Exactly....it works both ways. And you just can't do it alone...

To this day we still read books together, sometimes A related and sometimes general M enrichment. We still discuss what happened freely when it comes up, We still stay in close contact throughout the day, we make sure we are staying close and not turning away from each other or drifting apart. We don't let things fester. I am still doing my spiritual work and still under the advising of my priest. We have, and continue to work hard on our relationship and have made many many changes to the way we function as a couple as opposed to how it was before. IOW, if we went back to the way things were before, our trust meter would likely go down. All the changes we made were necessary as a part of rebuilding and maintaining trust.

Thank you, I think you are right and that we need to get into MC. Thanks again.

Deffinately finding the right therapist is hugely important. Our first therapist sort of helped but clearly didn't have much experience in what we were going through. We did better with our second. Try posting on the rebuilding board. Is been quiet there but maybe we can revive it. There seems to be a lot of rebuilding discussions that could take off over there if members came through there more.

Thank you both Gabrielle you are as always a big help to me. I think you and your husband so much! I plan on getting his book when I can. Thank you.