Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I posted about my situation on here before but new things keep popping up and I can't handle it. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't do well at my job, I can't pass my classes I am so overwhelmed with anguish and grief and every time I try to pick up the pieces and rebuild I am floored by either a memory or a hurtful comment from the now ex boyfriend that I hurt and cheated on. I am afraid to post anything new or happy about the other guy I cheated on my ex bf with because my ex keeps commenting under different account names to other people in the comments about our affair. The thing is I broke up and moved out of my boyfriends house before I met the other guy irl. That should mean something right? I'm not as horrible as he says I am, am I? My head is spinning. I know what I did was horrible and wrong. I tried to fix it but I gave up. He will never forgive me which is fine I guess I need to come to terms with it but I can't move on when every day there's new comments under the posts. It makes me feel like I don't deserve to be happy. To be alive. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am so sad and numb I can't even enjoy the new relationship I am trying with this guy. All I keep thinking about is how if anyone knew that originally we started as cheaters no one would ever support or condone our relationship. He family already doesnt. My family loves him much more than my ex, but I don't know if that makes it right or okay. My therapist said relationships born from affairs have a 2% success rate. On top of that staying with him means I will always be reminded of my mistake. What should I do? How will I move on?
Second, there is no statistic on success rate from affairs. It doesn't exist, and anyone trying to giving you an actual number is making it up. It is impossible to know because of a self selection problem - i.e. theapists will only hear from people having trouble with their relationships, not the ones that succeed. And, as you have pointed out, people have good reason not to air their dirty laundry about how or when their relationships started. So, it sounds like you might consider getting a new therapist who is more well informed (I recommend EFT (emotionally focused therapy), and any one who identifies as sex positive or attachment focused, and in general lean away from anyone who is only certified for therapy as a social worker. Some of them can be great, but too many aren't and you don't need to play roulette with that.) Personally I know of a couple that have been together for 40 years, and that started as an affair.
Your ex boyfriend is in the wrong now, there is no justification for public humiliation, stalking, or harassing another person. If this is how he is behaving then consider yourself better off for having left him, regardless of the circumstances at the time, because he is revealing more about who he is. Try leaving social media or whatever accounts he is commenting on for a while and see if that helps your sanity. Seriously, if people have something to say to you then do it in person; don't give him an outlet where he can easily get to you and manipulate you. Maybe you made a mistake and hurt him, but he is making it clear that he is intentionally trying to hurt you - that is far worse in my book, and I advise you to steer clear of him and be glad that it's over with him (and DON'T beat yourself up over how you got to that point!).
Third, if this is how your ex-boyfriend is acting now, try to be forgiving of yourself for cheating (even though, if I remember you other post correctly, it was mostly emotional and communication cheating?) because your gut was clearly telling you that things were right. There is a saying of "find the helpers" and that is great, and I support that, but we also have to be wary of some of the "helpers" because there are some people that will use how they "helped" you as a price for earning something else. I reflect back and I think I may have done that to myself, thinking that I "owe" my now husband my love because he family helped house me, and took me on a vacation, and I borrowed his car a lot.... ok, I do love him more than that, and I was more honest with myself than just feeling like I "owed" him my wedding vows, but I have to admit that those "helping transactions" did play a role and have an effect on me. So, for you, I am advising that you allow yourself to discard the weight of thinking you "owe" or "owed" him anything because his family helped you when you really needed it. "I helped you and this is the thanks I get?!" certainly has a really sting to it, yes, but they chose to help you and you don't actually owe them anything but your gratitude, and you CERTAINLY do not deserve to be harrassed and public berated and stalked.
So, what to do? Follow your heart and free yourself of the weight of the mistake you made. You weren't married. I have the impression that you are still quite young. You made a mistake, but I also think that your ex-boyfriend is blowing it out of proportion and now abusing you and you have to cut him off and strive to not let his message get internalized.
And to be clear, I am not condoning cheating or an affair, but at some point the person who was betrayed needs to be responsible for their actions and doesn't get a free pass for cruelty or abuse.
I wish you luck, I hope this helps, and seriously, after a comment like that please look into finding a new therapist. It says a lot about the therapist's approach and mindset, and it doesn't seem like it will be helpful for you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. you don't deserve that.
You can move on from him and you need to forgive yourself. Maybe that will help your current relationship, but even if it doesn't (and that would be ok! Really, it would be!!) you still need to find that peace with yourself as YOU move on and forward in life.
Good luck - stay strong and be true to your heart, with NO GUILT!! let that shame go, you've suffered enough and holding that will only hurt you more (or give others fodder to use as an excuse to hurt you more) It's ok to move on. :)
I hope you can find the strength to put it behind you as best you can. I've had good days, but my life is merely a reflection of the mistakes I've made, and a LOT of days I don't feel like I deserve to be happy either. It didn't help that my mom wasn't a very loving person, and emasculated all 6 of her sons over the years, but that's another story. Good luck to you.