Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi everyone,
First off, this is a wonderful board. Thank goodness for a place in the universe where people can come together and talk freely and supportively to each other, without judgment. I have been reading all the threads and have felt so many of the same emotions, it's good to know that I'm not alone.
So here is my situation: I've been having an affair with my boss for six months. We work very closely together at a small company. It is a dream job in a very competitive industry, and he's a great guy to work for, but over this six months my happiness and self-esteem has been basically flushed down the toilet from being his sex toy.
About my marriage: I was married at 21 to a guy twice my age who I didn't like or want to be with. He was someone I worked with - at the time, I had just moved to a new area, into my first apartment and was extremely lonely, so when he invited me out I accepted. I knew he wasn't someone I wanted to be with, but after he moved myself into my apartment without my knowledge (long story) and I got pregnant a month later, I was coerced into marrying. I cried so hard I couldn't speak when we told our parents about the engagement (thanks for totally ignoring that, fam! lol).
Fast forward 10 years and two kids later, and surprise surprise, I still don't want to be with him. Never did, never will. He has his good points, but is unable to hold a steady job, is emotionally and on occasion physically abusive and is basically disliked by everyone I know. Our unhappy marriage has stayed together for the usual reasons: for the kids, because I'm constantly hearing about how horribly hard divorce is on children, and also because it's gonna be tough supporting the three of us on just my salary (although he doesn't currently work he has rental income).
Why do I feel awful? I honestly don't feel any regret about the affair part. In fact, I often wish my husband would have an affair, just so some other woman could take him off my hands.
What makes me feel like dirt is the fact that although my AP tells me he loves me, I feel like I'm just a diversion for him. I know his wife, she's creepy, bitchy and unattractive, but he doesn't want to lose his child so he stays. When I hear him talking about her, even just routine stuff, it really hurts. He always tells me he wished he met me before . . . but it's too late now. I do fantasize about living with him in real life - but I have to accept it won't happen.
It's funny, it never bothered me so much as it does now that my marriage is crap. But now that I had just the fleeting feeling of what it might be like to be with someone I loved and wanted, I've become more and more depressed.
Oh yeah, and my job . . . I loved my job before this. It really is a great place to work and I am very lucky. BTW my AP is the one who offered my the position.
I want to talk to my AP so badly and tell him how I feel, about him, my marriage, everything. But I don't want to lose my job, and I don't want to be ostracized at work either. It is a small company in a highly competitive industry so there's no way I could transfer out or anything, and it'd be extremely difficult to find another job like the one I have.
This is really destroying me inside. Until six months ago I was pretty happy - now I cry every day. Thanks so much for letting me vent, guys. Any suggestions?
First off, this is a wonderful board. Thank goodness for a place in the universe where people can come together and talk freely and supportively to each other, without judgment. I have been reading all the threads and have felt so many of the same emotions, it's good to know that I'm not alone.
So here is my situation: I've been having an affair with my boss for six months. We work very closely together at a small company. It is a dream job in a very competitive industry, and he's a great guy to work for, but over this six months my happiness and self-esteem has been basically flushed down the toilet from being his sex toy.
About my marriage: I was married at 21 to a guy twice my age who I didn't like or want to be with. He was someone I worked with - at the time, I had just moved to a new area, into my first apartment and was extremely lonely, so when he invited me out I accepted. I knew he wasn't someone I wanted to be with, but after he moved myself into my apartment without my knowledge (long story) and I got pregnant a month later, I was coerced into marrying. I cried so hard I couldn't speak when we told our parents about the engagement (thanks for totally ignoring that, fam! lol).
Fast forward 10 years and two kids later, and surprise surprise, I still don't want to be with him. Never did, never will. He has his good points, but is unable to hold a steady job, is emotionally and on occasion physically abusive and is basically disliked by everyone I know. Our unhappy marriage has stayed together for the usual reasons: for the kids, because I'm constantly hearing about how horribly hard divorce is on children, and also because it's gonna be tough supporting the three of us on just my salary (although he doesn't currently work he has rental income).
Why do I feel awful? I honestly don't feel any regret about the affair part. In fact, I often wish my husband would have an affair, just so some other woman could take him off my hands.
What makes me feel like dirt is the fact that although my AP tells me he loves me, I feel like I'm just a diversion for him. I know his wife, she's creepy, bitchy and unattractive, but he doesn't want to lose his child so he stays. When I hear him talking about her, even just routine stuff, it really hurts. He always tells me he wished he met me before . . . but it's too late now. I do fantasize about living with him in real life - but I have to accept it won't happen.
It's funny, it never bothered me so much as it does now that my marriage is crap. But now that I had just the fleeting feeling of what it might be like to be with someone I loved and wanted, I've become more and more depressed.
Oh yeah, and my job . . . I loved my job before this. It really is a great place to work and I am very lucky. BTW my AP is the one who offered my the position.
I want to talk to my AP so badly and tell him how I feel, about him, my marriage, everything. But I don't want to lose my job, and I don't want to be ostracized at work either. It is a small company in a highly competitive industry so there's no way I could transfer out or anything, and it'd be extremely difficult to find another job like the one I have.
This is really destroying me inside. Until six months ago I was pretty happy - now I cry every day. Thanks so much for letting me vent, guys. Any suggestions?
For me, the hardest part (and the reason I embarked on this affair to begin with) is being stuck in the bad marriage. If I were single and this was going on, I'd break it off in a second and find a guy I could actually have a real, legitimate relationship with. But being married makes that impossible, so in order to find some crumb of affection/love, i have to do it on the sly. I hate it. It sucks. Some people enjoy the secretiveness of an affair - but for me, after the initial thrill, it wears off pretty quickly and I'm left wanting more. Anyone else find that?
He didn't. But the whole thing came crashing down when we grew obsessed with wanting it all with each other. It was mad.
Get. Out. While. You. Can. The sooner you bail, the less damage you cause and hopefully fewer pieces you'll have to pick up.
PrettyandDumb, my AP and I just had the same conversation on Friday, about wanting it all with each other. He's brought it up numerous times; he tends to be less guarded while I can sometimes be "closed off" in fear of scaring him away. Do we both want it all? I do very much so, and he says he does too, but he also doesn't want to hurt his kid and I totally understand that. We see each other five to six days a week, work together very closely all the time and have so for years, and talk every single day, so I know we are compatible.
But I can see what would kill a relationship that started from an affair - the guilt. I know he would feel immensely guilty and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I had been partially responsible for that feeling. We sometimes joke, "maybe in 10 years when our kids are grown". I know that's not going to happen, but it's nice to think about.
We would say "maybe the universe will give us our chance when the timing is better". In the end, we DID scare each other off, or maybe chose to stop playing with fire.. I'm still processing the answers and probably will be for quite some time.
You have a few options: carry on an A indefinitely (it wouldn't work for us, the intensity was crushing), leave your M's to be together, stop. I guess when it came down to it, for us, "stop" was the only feasible option.
Good luck, guys! I know its all wrapped up pretty tight now but exploration on this site illustrates how messy and damaging these things can become.