Why do you stay with your H?
I am a cheater as well. We are working on making our marriage work and to be honest, I am having to search for the love I once had for him. Not sure how it got lost...
Do you want to work it out?
Can you be faithful?
These are questions I am asking myself as well.

I don't know if I want to work the marriage out. I think I will need time to decide. Yes, I do think that I can be faithful. I'm being faithful now, and I do not plan to see or talk to OM again unless I get
a divorce. Thank you so much for your reply! There are other questions I ask myself, like,
what if I leave H, and OM cheats on me? He is good-looking and flirtatious. What If I leave H, and me and OM are not able to work out
and then I am dating people I don't like? I really do trust the character
of my H. I really don't trust OM, because he has a lot of issues...
but OM is much better looking, and much more exciting!!

I understand you completely mildred. I share love for both, both the men, just in my case for different reasons... AND for different reasons I can see either relationship failing in the long run. Love isn't everything people crack it up to be. At least that's how I'm starting to see things.

Mildred, Is the OM married?
One question that continutes to cloud my mind is that the OM cheated on his wife with me....what would keep him from doing it again if we were to get together?
MY H tells me that LOVE is a choice not an emotion. THat I have to choose to work things out no matter how I feel. That is a hard choice.
If I got a D and went to the OM...would it work out?
So many questions....

Mildred, does your H know about the affair?
Also, do you have children?

I'm asking myself whether I should divorce or work it out as well, and understand the comparison problems. The funny thing for me is that in almost every circumstance that I compare my OM and my H, my H is the "better" man. The exception to this is that I trust my OM and I do not trust my H.

You said you're not in love with your H now. Were you ever? And if so, can you remember when that feeling changed?

No, the OM has NEVER been married. He's single, good-looking,
athletic, and flirtatious. In the OM's past, he LOVES
to LOOK and flirt, and he also has done a lot of his ex-girlfriends
wrong... sleeping with them, overly-critical and condescending,
dumping them, then sometimes going back out with an ex, He CLAIMS
that he loves me more than all these others, and would not
treat ME that way, we had been together for a very good while, b/f I broke
it off with OM. He was going on innocent dates with his
ex when I broke it off. I don't trust OM NOT to get his
flirtatious and good-looking athletic self into his OWN
affair.... If I ever became his wife.
I DO trust my H, he has amazing loyal honest character
over a decade of time, and tries to help me, etc.
NO, my H does not know and will NEVER know!
We don't have children.
I don't have a desire for children at this time.
AS awful as this is to add, the OM would
produce some REALLY GOOD-LOOKING children.

Mild Red, I am a little confused about who the abusive man is? Your H is abusive or the OM is abusive. You posted this on the emotionally abused group so, if you dont mind, which man are you taking about or are you talking about yourself? It's ok if you are, not one here is going to throw stones at the truth.

"Guard your heart, above all else, for
out of it is the wellspring of life."
The heart is beautiful and precious and
should be carefully guarded. From my own
experience with my ex, I really think that
the abusive cycle is just awful. It's easy
to stay away from people that are mean all the
time! But when they are really charming, and then mean, deceitful, verbally abusive, then
really charming...WOW I just felt like I was guarding my heart, then tearing the walls down,
then trying to repair my heart again, repeat, etc.
I guess the "hook" is that it's easy to focus
on the good part of the cycle, but don't forget the WHOLE cycle... and what it's doing to your
heart!!!

LOL, well thanks for noticing that I am also in the emotionally abused group. MY other group, I am thankful. There's three. I am new to the
cheaters anonymous group. No, I'm not an abuser. Actually all of my
posts about being emotionally abused refer directly to the other man
that I broke it off with... I have mentioned here that he has a lot of
issues, and that I don't trust him. The other man was verbally and emotionally abusive to me for a year. It really hurt my heart, and
I still love the other man, but I am not talking to him, because I think it would be best if we didn't talk unless I get a divorce.
The other man was critical, very critical, of me, sometimes verbally
abusive... these things I did not experience with my husband.
thankfully, my husband is not verbally or emotionally abusive.
I do believe, and have always believed that it is important
to guard your heart. I did not guard my heart around the other man,
and it got hurt many, many times.

mildred, I think you should do some reading. Your H treats you good and is loyal. The OM is very critical and sometimes verbally abusive. This is a syndrome that some woman have where they are attracted to men who treat them badly. I think you should read about it and try to understand why. You are right about having no contact with the OM until you figure things out with your H, he sounds like poison to me. You can never believe someone who says, I do this now but I would never do it to you. What you see is what they will do again.
I would suggest some marriage therapy books for you and H. Does your H know about the affair? Ask yourself what you want out of life in the long-run. Do you want shortterm excitment or long-term satisfaction. There are never any guarantees in life, but good relationships take commitment and lots of work.