Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
The AP I was with when I left my marriage was not right for me and I knew it. But I had to try. On and off we went for more than 2 years until I had grown to the point where I saw that I was trading one dysfunction for another, and possibly a worse one. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything close, but my AP had all the sure signs of a personality disorder - my fairest guess is Borderline Personality Disorder. It was a rough ride. A person with BPD knows how to "bewitch" someone. Then, they attack and manipulate you, and it can happen all within a day. The only solution is to walk away. My final walk was in 2013.
It was tempting to try again, and once, I even did, after a couple of weeks of allowing her to text me again (she promised the moon about her conduct, of course). Of course, it was for naught. BPD isn't one of those things you can just will yourself to overcome. I was already too strong and too much in need of peace to allow the usual manipulation to lock me in again. The shenanigans started and that was the end of it, for good.
When I looked back on the relationship, I realized the process was an important one. I was ushered into an unknown, and needed to be in one, even though I knew much darkness and unknown lay ahead. It was a wild, sometimes elating, sometimes terrifying ride. But I took it, and today I am more glad I did than did not.
One day in the summer of 2013, after it was finally over, I began to think of a song called "The Year of the Cat" by Al Stewart. This was a hit in the 1970's, but I never particularly liked it and certainly did not pay much attention to the lyrics. Why was I thinking of it, then?
When I found the lyrics online, I was stunned. It captured exactly what my emotional journey had been with her, and in those times I stayed, even though I knew she wasn't good for me and there was no way it could last, the last paragraph of lyrics really stood out.
Well morning comes and you're still with her
And the bus and the tourists are gone
And you've thrown away your choice you've lost your ticket
So you have to stay on
But the drum-beat strains of the night remain
In the rhythm of the new-born day
You know sometime you're bound to leave her
But for now you're going to stay
In the year of the cat
Maybe this song would resonate with you, too?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqZc7ZQURMs
If she was BPD then all I can say is congratulations on your escape.
I was reading the other day that there are different types of relationships and each brings us through a learning process. As I grow older, I do believe people come into your life for a reason....not necessarily to stay, but to teach us something. I think you know.....I've had a few affairs (insert eye roll), some I regret, some I don't...but even the ones I regret (similar to your year of the Cat) I can see the lesson. In fact with each and every individual I met they taught me something or brought me away from or to a place I needed to be. I never had the attitude (which I'm not sure is 'morally correct) that I regret cheating or I wish I never cheated, because I do believe each taught me something and I needed to be in this place where I am now. It feels really good now. Some I stay in contact with occasionally, some not...but I am in a place where I sincerely wish each of them well and I genuinely appreciate the lesson each brought into my life.
Great, insightful, and thought provoking post. Thanks!
Leavingabetterman-the emotional connection is always the hardest. Being out of the fog is a good place to be though, it is a great start. Your name says a lot and tells me you feel you have learned a lot and grown from it. "We Just Disagree" isn't too bad! My son was "gone" by Kelly Clarkson. I am glad to be able to glean insight from all your posts but sorry why we are all here........
But really, I almost committed suicide a year ago, and it feels so weird that I am still here. On the one hand, I wish I could undo all affair-related behavior I ever engaged in because it was a nuclear bomb in my life. On the other hand, would I have addressed certain things about myself without being forced to do so?