There is always one that gets to you.......Oh yes, they may be bad, they may be married to someone else, you may be married to someone else. They may not be 'for the long haul' material......you could never see them making end of life decisions for you or cleaning up your spills when you are aged or confused or pushing you in your wheelchair, filling out financial paperwork for you. Hard to think about, but its true. They may bring you drama, and lies, and deceit (which all affairs, every single one, do) But, oh, did they bring you excitement, passion, intimacy, fill and emotional void, laying there naked for hours on a bed that was filled with after-sex glow just talking and laughing........

But sometimes you have to let that person go.....for whatever reason they aren't for this time now. Are they worth losing your spouse over, do they bring the 'here and now' into your life. Can they be present in real life issues? Can you live 'out of the fog' 'out of the glow' with them? Sometimes you have to say goodbye and be a grown up and live in the here and now. Work with what you have in front of you and be present in the moment.

No one can replace that person. You can try. I did, but no one can replace anyone, especially not THAT one. They can replace sex, they can replace some laughs, but as a person as a whole its impossible. It comes down to choices. As much as I want you/need you in my life, there is no place for you really. One friend wrote in her journal, which I love: "You aren't losing anything valuable, just something that was pleasurable". What is valuable to you: your spouse, your kids, your home, your community, your circle of friends and support systems, your work? We really can't have both without effecting those that are valuable. And are they worth the risk? Really?

Of course, nothing can prevent your mind to think of them, maybe in a car filled with your spouse or kids in the car driving on the interstate and a phrase they said comes to mind, you smile......maybe the way they stroked your hair, or suddenly you see their eyes light up when they made that silly face and you smile again.....These moments live your head. Your secret continues, and you want it to, even if its just in your head. And you know they have those moments...They have to.....And you wonder if in this circle of life your paths will cross again. And you smile and you shrug it off and you go back to being present in the moment.

Today is an anniversary and we have more coming up....soon. I miss you. But, its just a day......and I know in the huge grand scheme of things, in this universe, you were one of those people that come into a life and leaves such an impact. You are unforgettable, my friend. In some ways I'm grateful for those years and somedays I shudder at those years......I do wonder though if even YEARS later there will be just one full day you don't cross my mind. Just one. There in lies my current dilemma. I want one day when I don't think of you.........