Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Like many of you on here, I'm in a dilemma and am looking for some kindness. I am in love with two men, and neither of them are open to a poly relationship. So currently I am cheating on my husband with another man.
I have cheated in the past, and I have sworn up and down that I would never do it again, I have cried and had nightmares and self evaluated and fought to never be in this positon again. This isn't just some fling, and I'm not in a toxic or abusive relationship. And yet when I open up to anyone about being in love with two men their automatic response is to "pick one". Like that is so easy...So I would like to present to you, my beautiful anonymous strangers, my two "options".
Option 1: My husband of 5 years, he is 5'11", comes from a stable, supportive, upper-middle class family, and has the most striking blue eyes. He is slow to warm up to people, but always willing to tease and joke with someone. He is charasmatic and kind, and so often calm. Rarely anything stresses him out or makes him angry. He has lived a stable life and is kind, open, and trusting. He is financially brilliant and he has taught me so much about adulting and taking care of the necessities, so that we are capable of having amazing experiences. We have traveled farther than I have ever dreamed to be possible, have bought houses and cars, and had some amazing birthdays. We have also meticulously planned out our future together, the smallest details in our dream house, the cars and bikes we want to have, how many children and how we would handle various situations, it will be a beautiful life.
However, the past 2 years of my life have been bad. I have suffered with anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. I have been constantly stressed, to the point that my body breaks down. And my calm, sweet, supportive man has no idea how to handle me. He knows how to hold me, to tell me sorry, and to 'fix' things to make it better. He is my calm port in the storm, but he is only available once I exit the storm, and I have been drowing for months.... Our sex life has sputtered out too, at first it was me being stressed and busy that I turned him down a lot, and now it is him. If it was just sex I think I could handle it, but he's not interested in physical forms of affection. We kiss goodnight and that's about it, if I ask for cuddles he'll oblige for a little while, but that's it. We spend a lot of our time in the living room, ignoring eachother.
Which, if you're still reading this, brings us to...
Option 2: I have loved this man for 12 years, and spent atleast half of that time trying to get over or forget him. We met as teenagers, he was my first love, and we destroyed eachother. We have broken up and gotten back together more times than I can count. My friends and family, and his friends and family, would FREAK OUT if we ever got back together. We have tried and failed to make it so many times. When I agreed to marry my husband I swore up and down that I would NEVER. leave him for option 2. I thought I had broken our breakup-&-back-together cycle with my wedding. I thought I was strong enough to leave option 2 alone. Then, in my healing process, I had to confront him about all of the bad stuff that happened in our relationship. We agreed to be fb 'friends' and left it at that. For 5 years we left eachother alone.
Then, last year I needed someone to talk to. As mentioned above, I was drowning in emotional pain, and my husband's "I'm sorry"s weren't enough. So I reached out to the only person I knew, who wouldn't judge me. Who if I lost them it wouldn't really matter, because we were barely in contact anyways, yet he was familar.
And somehow, he always knew exactly what I needed to hear. Where I had to tell my husband how to handle me when I needed comfort. Option 2 was different, he always knew what I needed, to be coddled or to be scolded, anxiety management techniques, or just someone to listen. And I ended up helping him too, through a heart-wrenching breakup. As we helped eachother heal, we got closer, but both of us were very aware of the line in the sand. We knew that I am married and that we were going to be FRIENDS. Then we started dancing around the line, small little flirting on both sides, but pulling back and playing it off as a joke. Then I had the opportunity to see him for the first time in 6 years. We both knew it was probably not a good idea, but I did it anyways. I went to him and, although first it was awkward, we quickly fell right into normal conversation, being with him is like breathing. Natural, easy, and fun. We kept our boundaries, but right as I left...he couldn't keep the facade anymore. He admitted to being madly in love with me, to constatly thinking about me, and wanting me so badly it hurt. The passion, gods the hunger, to be loved and wanted that badly, for it to be reciprocated.... I had to laugh, because of course I knew. I knew he had never stopped loving me, or I him, we have hated eachother, been so incredibly hurt, but the love, the love always comes through. Now, we are grown adults, we have been with several other people, have loved and lost, but nothing...nothing is quite like this. Its like a rubberband pulling at both of our innards, urging, urging us together. Time, distance, space, it doesn't matter because the pull will always bring us back. Despite all of that, we didn't kiss, we didn't do anything but hug goodbye.
But the rubberband keeps pulling, and the line in the sand is gone. Although 2,000 miles apart, we are firmly in the cheating category now. Gods he makes me glow head to toe, he lights me up with happiness, and the sex....is like the hottest lortica you can imagine. He is consistency and passion, he is love and support, he isn't the calm in the storm but the one who dives in and pulls me out. Who let's me hold him when his own storm is out of control. He is the greatest love of my life.
However, our life paths have always taken us on very different journeys. He doesn't like to travel, he doesn't like to interact with people. He doesn't want a big house, or children. He is horrible with money, and has a low paying job in a little poor apartment, and doesn't have a car. We have never been able to make it in the long run, something always inevitably pulls us apart. Not to metion the absolute meltdown that would come from our family and friends.
Summary: Option 1: Calm, lonely, potential or Option 2: Passion, love, chaos. A grand love and a slow consistent love. Just like in the movies. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have both options, both amazing men who love me back. But I could very well lose them both. You tell me, could you choose?
#2. You are missing a third choice - don't chose either of them.
I read your stories earlier and I see elements of similiarty to my experiences, in particular in the descriptions of your feelings in both cases (very different men though....my AP and husband have bizarre similiarities, but very different personalities, and age/maturity/experience factor in....but I digress.... ). And after stepping away it occurred to me what might be the real issue for you - that you are looking for your "answers" among these two men, and yet you already know (because you wrote it) that neither of them them are a perfect or even best "answer" for you.
So, the third choice may be the best option. Leave your husband, don't give up your boyfriend but don't run to him either, but keep him as a side guy if he wants that because you state that you know you won't be happy "with" him as a single life partner, and seek out a better matching partner, perhaps someone who is more comfortable with a polyamorous lifestyle if that is what you want to pursue (and what your partners also agree to). You could also give up the boyfriend, too, figure out you and determine, date some and determine what YOU need for you without depending on another person to get it.
I don't know how old you are, but judging by your concern about your families input and the dates you share you are probably late 20's or very early 30's. YOu are still really young, it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you are young and can still make changes in your life.
Chances are, too, that your husband knows something is up with you. He may not know what is up, but he probably knows that are you acting differently. Maybe that is why he has pulled away/is acting differently? In any case, you need to address that with him - why he has become less affectionate and how that is affecting you. I don't recommend sharing about the affair with him at this point, but still probably step back from for a little while while you try to figure out your marriage first since that is established and you have obligations to it and to him.
I hope that is helpful for you, at least as some amount of support, connection, and something to think about. Best to you.
#1) I feel I worded this inappropriately. It's not that he is uninterested in affection, it's that he is rarely interested. He has to be in just the right mood and I have to approach him in order to be affectionate. He's not the kind of person who feels the need to be touching another, even if he does love them. And because of my recent life stress, his libido got turned way down to where he is content with the rare and sporadic tumble. Also, he's not interested in children right now. He wants to wait another 3 or 4 years until we are more prepared. And you actually guessed my age nearly exactly, I know we are young so waiting is completely okay.
#2) I hear you, and often when faced with two impossible choices I choose neither as well. It seems like you are living a better life by choosing you instead of looking for pieces within your two partners. I'm glad for you, but I'm not sure if that is right for me.
What I don't think I illustrated well in my ramblings above, is that my husband is damn near perfect for me. And I don't believe in finding the perfect partner. If I hadn't been dealing with unrelated trauma and being completely unstable for years, I know I would be amazingly happy with him still. My only complaints are that he doesn't know how to comfort an unstable mess, and he has been less affectionate towards me. We have been pushing through major life changes together, and he has been kind and supportive and funny and charming and he comes with an amazing family who I love almost as much as I love him. I can't bring myself to end our marriage just because the spark is fading, like most marriages do, and because he wasn't able to fix my baggage. If those tiny little things are enough to ruin my marriage, then I know I can't make it with anyone long term.
You're also right about him knowing something is up with me. He has been well aware of me being different for a long time. I have changed a lot during the last few years. I have had major life changes in religion, career, and we moved across the country as well, for the first time leaving all of my family and friends. On top of me dealing with trauma and being an unstable mess. The interesting thing, is that he isn't acting very differently. It's all me, I am the one who has been massively changing. Well, me and our life. With these changes the affection thing has become more noticeable as our routines have massively shifted. And we have talked about it, but altering behavior isn't something that can change overnight.
I don't want to loose my husband. I don't want to leave him. But if he found out about my affair he would most likely be done with my BS and leave me.
Which goes to the second part, of leaving my boyfriend alone, of giving my husband the respect and faithfulness that he deserves. Me and him have tried to back off, to give each other breathing space 2 times recently. It resulted in me having 7 panic attacks in 2 days. I don't know how to let him go. I have tried to let him go for years. Over and over and over again I have tried to give him up. And every time we get pulled back together. I have deleted his contact information, blocked him, didn't talk to him for 5 years, I have fought to stay platonic for nearly a year, and it doesn't.....it doesn't work. I can't resist him, and he is the best part of my day. He's my best friend who knows all of my batshit craziness and who still loves me. He lights me up like a Christmas tree. I'm addicted to him, and I crave and want him so badly, so illogically, I could lose myself in him and never come up for air. I can't stop, regardless of how much pain we have caused each other, regardless of time and distance, regardless of knowing that I want more in my life than he can provide.
If I could make everything go my way, I would be in a poly- V relationship with these two men. I want them forever. I want everything they are and to cherish them and love them until my dying day. I never knew I would be interested in polyamory until now. Because the idea of losing either of them.... Is too awful for words. But sadly, even my boyfriend knows he couldn't do a poly relationship. As much as he wants me, as much as he knows I am married and that I have a life with my husband, to him this is only temporary. He's willing to keep this up until he finds a partner of his own. Then he plans on friend zoning me. I don't know how successful that will be, but I want him to be happy, and I want as much as him as he is willing to give me.
*Sigh* I guess I should have said this in the very beginning, but I have my answer. I refuse to choose either of them, or neither of them. I choose them both. I want them both, even if its not sustainable. Even if by making this choice I am dooming myself to eventually be alone and to break my husband's heart. I'm choosing to be selfish, and deceitful, and to be a cheater. Because when it comes to my love for these two...I can't choose one over the other. If I can't have a poly, then I choose to have a life long affair.
If it all comes to an end, then I know life will carry on, I know I am young and that I can choose a different path if I need to. I'm not afraid to be alone. But I won't be pushing for that outcome. I'm letting the universe and fate take the wheel, and praying for the best.
And OMG do I understand what you are talking about! I feel like my AP and I had come to the same conclusion as well and that we could have written what you wrote! I remembered justifying the affair with the logic that one person can't be everything for anyone, and that people have carried on affairs (even out in the open) forever. I, too, never thought about poly, but when I learned more it made sense. Because that is how my brain was already working, not in the physical reality, but I would mentally channel previous positive loving sexual relationships to find interest and possibly gain conneciton wtih my husband. I randomly stumbled on teh book "Ethical Slut" and while I have only read the Introduction and first chapter (my husband has since banned all such "research") teh mental philosophy it explains behind poly made SO. Much. Sense. to.me. And not as something to emulate or follow as a guidebook (which is how my husband saw it), but as somethign that explained how I already feel and think about people in general. And you what the coolest thing written in there was? And SOOOO in line with the whole premise of what poly is? Is that they stated that you can be asexual or even monogamous while still embracing polyamory - because polyamory isn't a lifestyle alone, but a way of thinking. THAT was so helpful to me, and made so much sense, .....but, when I shared with hubs, it just unleashed his pain and bordered into more judgement of me. But, check it out and take a look, you might find that helpful. (to think I discovered this book when I saw a young woman reading it on the subway!!!)
For the record, I am not doing very well working on me right now, and I am still in my marriage (loving, but communication styles don't match and thus I struggle greatly with sexual desire....) and NC with my AP. I, too, would love to have both of them, but my husband insists that I can't do that, that I didn't do that well (he's right, but that is because I the secret-keeping was killing me....), and that he woudl get the short shrift. So, still figureing that out there.
It is also funny that you wrote the 4th option of staying with both of them as you are now, because after I wrote my reply and was thinking about it more while I was driving somewhere I had the same thought. Of course you can keep on doing what you are doing, but the risk is apparent and will get weighty for you.
And finally, I think it is great that your husband and his family are perfect for you - yes, that does make it much harder to walk away from that or turn away from that. For me, my husband and I are perfect for each other in many ways, but we don't connect sexually, and his family is all I have but they are not wonderful for me. Good people, but not a good communication or needs match for me either. For me, what is at stake is our kids and our stability and structure with them. This is hard. You are in teh midst of choosing, and I am in the midst of deciding if I want to stay in my marriage or not, whether or not I try to bring my AP back into the picture or not. My AP is also much older than me, closer in age to my parents than to me, and psychologically, for a variety of reasons, that can be hard to weigh in as a factor. But, when I was with him I felt a calm, peace, love, and caring so deep and honest that the age difference didn't matter at all, and I may have even laughed in its face. But there are practical matters to consider there, and me with my own judgements and knowing that I am not a strong caretaker. I can be a good nuturer, but not a caretaker so easily.
Anyway, keep on talking and you're welcome to friend me if you decide to journal instead or have more direct conversations about these things. I will try to keep up with responding.
Take care!