Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I haven't posted here in nearly a year, but with the holidays and a new job (my anxiety makes it severely hard for me to hold jobs). I find myself waking up in cold sweats, not feeling hungry and doubting/fearing everything in my life. This of course includes past misdeeds.
I posted a while back as I said, and to sum it up quickly I told my significant other amidst my posting here. It was one of the most painful things Ive ever done in my entire life. We still haven't worked through everything. I was actually more distraught than she was. Inconsolable to be more precise.
It feels like im dying inside all over. Everything is getting to me and the worst things ive done are on repeat in my brain. Im thinking about my aging parents, the line of online mistakes i made, my mental state, finances, everything. everything is crashing down on top of my head.
And there is no off switch. it doesn't end.
Before I continue, an aside. to anyone on these forums considering cheating or even toying with the concept, DO NOT do it. It has been well over a year since I confessed and well over almost 4 years now since I've stopped doing things. When the guilt kicks into overdrive, it leaves lasting scars. I am wrecked. ruined from the inside on a daily basis years afterwards. However bad you think your love life or situation is before cheating, magnify that by ten and realize you'll be living with that for years.
Now to continue, I need advice. her and i still haven't worked through everything but I came out and talked to her about things over the weeks following.
I'm sitting here sobbing right now, I just want to erase these memories. I want to be me again. Ive tried to forgive myself but I can't seem to do it. food has lost its taste. everything feels completely gray.
I posted a while back as I said, and to sum it up quickly I told my significant other amidst my posting here. It was one of the most painful things Ive ever done in my entire life. We still haven't worked through everything. I was actually more distraught than she was. Inconsolable to be more precise.
It feels like im dying inside all over. Everything is getting to me and the worst things ive done are on repeat in my brain. Im thinking about my aging parents, the line of online mistakes i made, my mental state, finances, everything. everything is crashing down on top of my head.
And there is no off switch. it doesn't end.
Before I continue, an aside. to anyone on these forums considering cheating or even toying with the concept, DO NOT do it. It has been well over a year since I confessed and well over almost 4 years now since I've stopped doing things. When the guilt kicks into overdrive, it leaves lasting scars. I am wrecked. ruined from the inside on a daily basis years afterwards. However bad you think your love life or situation is before cheating, magnify that by ten and realize you'll be living with that for years.
Now to continue, I need advice. her and i still haven't worked through everything but I came out and talked to her about things over the weeks following.
I'm sitting here sobbing right now, I just want to erase these memories. I want to be me again. Ive tried to forgive myself but I can't seem to do it. food has lost its taste. everything feels completely gray.
It says in the Bible that God forgives us. When I find myself not being able to forgive myself for something, I remind myself that if He forgives us, who am I not to forgive myself? For me, this helps a lot. Perhaps, if this is not already the case, deciding to ask God for His help with this would benefit you.
You cannot undo any of it. So quit right there thinking about erasing anything. You can't. Ok? I know that's a little abrupt, but I'm basically throwing ice cold water on you or slapping you in the face and saying STOP! Do not continue to look backward. Do not beat yourself to hell and back over your past indiscretions. It will not help. There is nothing in this universe that will allow you go back in time. Accept that which is done.
Understand that you are as capable as the next human being of doing things in life that you totally regret. You are not unique in that regards. We all have our regrets. Some may be more gut-wrenching than others but we all have them. Some decisions in life hurt others too, above just ourselves. That too, you cannot erase. So know that the affair happened. It left battle scars all around. Pieces of innocence have been stripped away forever. But you're living on, as well as your wife, and all you can do is MAKE BETTER the time you have moving forward.
The question is, have you REALLY owned up to the affair? Have you REALLY understood the damage to your partner? Have you TRULY seen life through the eyes of your wife? And most importantly, have you shown her UNCONDITIONAL love? If you feel you have, then you're in a much better spot to move forward. But lies are often molded into truths. Your mind can often justify actions and emotions that are not helpful. Are you pitying yourself and bringing the weight of despair upon you because it makes you less responsible to her? Does it redirect sympathy away from her and onto you? Think about what I just said. Answer honestly. It takes a strong stomach to admit the truth and even more so, to act upon it.
Now, here's the thing: Life is tough. People are meant to die. Money is never a certainty. Your health will deteriorate. People will come in and out of your lives. Disasters happen. Mistakes are made. That IS life! Every soul on this planet faces the same luck of the draw you do, but maybe in different orders. So the quicker you realize that, the quicker you can find peace. Don't think you're in this all by yourself. Reach back over your shoulders, grab a hold of that bag of crap weighing you down, and toss it aside. Free yourself FIRST of your worries. THEN, you can pick through the bag of crap scattered on the ground and sort through what you need to. Take the rest to the dump. You'll never miss it I'll assure you of that. Just look for the major pieces that need working on. Probably your marriage. And probably your time with parents. What are you going to do with that? How are you going to remedy your angst? You can't turn back time, you don't have the power of eternal life, so what are you going to do to make THEIR lives better? Give of yourself with love and you'll find, the past won't haunt you the way it does now.
Lastly, without acting like a wounded puppy dog, you CAN give more to your marriage. You can give that love she so richly deserves. And in the process, you can make yourself look like a prize catch to her once again. Help her believe in you by believing in yourself. Pull yourself up, own up to all your flaws, stop being frail, and let your strengths shine through. Present yourself as something special to her. And make HER feel special. Then, you might get from her the true forgiveness that you deserve, if you're being honest. And with that, I believe your marriage will skyrocket.
Tell me another option and I will listen. Otherwise, those are your two choices: Carry on in despair, or knock it broadside.
(ps. I assure you, I'm not speaking from any loftier heights. I stand on the same ground you do brother).
Kidding, kidding! ;)
But I'm articulating the point that it's easy to get close to someone who "gets it"; where you're coming from. If your relationship has cracks then the A drug addiction will come crashing in.
Keep your communication strong. Be honest with your partner. Work on healing. DON'T beat yourself up; nobody is immune. I've seen 20-year happy marriages go down in the flames of an affair,
Marriage (or the long term relationship equivalent) is work. Constant work.
Your mistakes do not need to define you today. Over the last several years you've been making different choices. THAT'S the person you want to be.