Hi. I'm here because I've began to feel guilt that consumes me everyday. I have a partner who I met while studying abroad. We clicked instantensously. Honestly, I love her so much that after I graduate I will be moving to that country and starting a life with her. After spending about 4 months together I eventually had to go back home. She suggested that we have an open relationship because she said she didn't want to limit me. At first I was not on board because I didn't see why I needed to seek attention outside of my relationship if all I wanted to do was be with her. We discussed what an open relationship would look like and I did not act upon it until I started going out to clubs. As a person in my early 20's it was fun to go out and kiss a stranger but not have to commit to anything. I thought I could handle the open relationship until I slept with an ex-boyfriend. That's when things took a turn for the worse. I previously re-patched things with this ex-boyfriend (we dated when we were teenagers) because I wanted to discuss how terrible our relationship ended so we both would not have such hatred in our hearts. I thought all was fine after that night and I shortly visited my girlfriend again for 2 weeks. She was disappointed at what I had done and looked at me as if I was dirty, but after a heartfelt discussion she apologized and I told her I no longer wanted to have an open relationship because (1. I don't even think we were going about it the right way, 2. I needed stability in my life as I was finishing my last year of college and couldn't deal with an open relationship).

Fast forward to October where I hung out with my ex-boyfriend again as friends. As someone in my early 20's I still had to abide to my parents' rules, and my parents were physically abusive towards me up until I was 16 and continue to be emotionally abusive. I loved visiting my hometown when I was on school break, but I hated being at home and many times felt miserable to the point where I wanted to physically harm myself. I thought hanging out with someone who I thought cared about me would make me feel less terrible. This hang out session turned into a hookup session. My girlfriend doesn't know about hookup, but afterword we had discussed opening up the relationship to which we did for one week. I thought one week would get it out of my system but my GF felt betrayed and disappointed so we closed the relationship but I continued this affair for months. I did not feel guilty while doing it because at the time I needed someone close who showed that they actually cared about me, especially when it seemed that my own family thought I was a piece of shit for not wanting to be controlled or stay in the cage they put me in. Last Valentine's Day I stopped the affair after realizing that my ex-boyfriend just wanted sex and didn't care about me like he claimed. I'm pretty sure he thought of me as a conquest, as he would brag to his friends that I was willing to cheat to be with him. Honestly, even the thought of his friends knowing what I did haunts me and I have this continuing thought that someone will contact my girlfriend and tell her what I've done. After I expressed that I wanted to just hang out with no sex he told me that he didn't see the point of spending time with me then. THIS IS WHAT BROUGHT ME TO MY CLARITY. I've stopped most contact with him (except calling him once or twice to see how he was doing during this pandemic)

Although I did not feel guilty then, one month later I am consumed with guilt. I've decided not to tell my girlfriend until we are old. She goes to therapy and I've expressed wanting to go to couple's therapy after I move in with her in a few months. She is my best friend and I hope this relationship is long-lasting. I've also realized that I need to work on my self-esteem and how I view myself. If I didn't hate myself maybe I would not have sought validation from some guy that could not give me the love I needed to give myself. I've told one friend who knows about this that I will be seeking new ways in therapy to become a better person for myself and for my partner. One thing that makes me angry is that I kept telling my therapist about my affair and how I knew it needed to stop because that is a form of deceit and betrayal, but she did not tell me to stop! She told me that I was looking for comfort and I shouldn't feel ashamed about that, and there was nothing wrong in having love for more than one person. Not only am I mad at myself, but I'm mad at my therapist because it seems like she supported my behavior. I go to sleep every night haunted by my behavior. Whenever my girlfriend and I video chat I eventually think about my infidelity and how I will have to keep this secret forever, or how someone might seek her out just to reveal my infidelity. I don't know what to do :( I wish this never happened.