Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am feeling completely lost, hopeless and alone right now. I have been having an affair, my first, for the last four months. The OW works at my office, and she is going through an extremely difficult divorce of her own. It has been both emotional and physical b/w the 2 of us.
I have been married for eight years, and have two children. My wife is a good person and a great mother, despite the fact that she didn't want to have kids for a long time, which was what almost ended our marriage 4 years ago. Both pregnancies were unplanned, and the result of 2 of the ten or so times we've had sex in 3 years. We've never had the warmest relationship, affection was not something she valued or demonstrated very often. I can't remember ever hearing her say "I love you " unsolicited, and even when she would say it in response to me, there was a hitch in her voice, like she had trouble saying it altogether. Her therapist thinks it has to do with losing her father at an early age. We've known each other for a long time, so I know it is a marriage based out of familiarity and comfort. I love her as a person, but I'm not in love with her, which I know is a common refrain in these situations. But when I'm HONEST with myself, I know I've never really been in love with her either. And that's a hard thing to admit to myself, and to others that i made such a huge mistake, so I struggle alone.
I can't help but feel like a complete worthless piece of shit, both for the fact that I don't love my wife (and the mother of my children), to the point that I'm willing to cheat on her, and for what it's doing to the other woman, who has expressed her own regrets at what has transpired between us. OW is not laying down the ultimatum, but has said that it can be nothing more as long as I am still married. And how could it be?! What am I really expecting, it can't be sustained like this! But I run through scenarios, imagining the OW with anyone else devastates me, but picturing my W with someone else gives me a sense of.......relief? My kids though, they're beautiful innocent angels, they are what keeps me here. And the fact that I like my wife and dont want to hurt her. She has too much pride, if she knew the truth about how I felt and the things I've done, she would leave me in an instant. And again, there comes that sense of relief, that i didn't have to make A CHOICE, or be an active player in my own life. That's why I fantasize a scenario in which she inadvertently discovers the A, even though this would complicate an inevitable divorce.
So now I'm in a place where a large part of me just wants to leave my wife NOW (and live with a 50/50 split of the children in PA) . My children are both under 3, so in my mind the effects of divorce at this point would be minimized. The other part of me knows the dangers that lie ahead with this OW too, and the likelihood of that relationship ever working. Do I choose now to upend the lives myself, my wife and my daughters believing this affair to be symptomatic of the emptiness I feel in this marriage?
I feel like I barely recognize myself. I need help.......
I have been married for eight years, and have two children. My wife is a good person and a great mother, despite the fact that she didn't want to have kids for a long time, which was what almost ended our marriage 4 years ago. Both pregnancies were unplanned, and the result of 2 of the ten or so times we've had sex in 3 years. We've never had the warmest relationship, affection was not something she valued or demonstrated very often. I can't remember ever hearing her say "I love you " unsolicited, and even when she would say it in response to me, there was a hitch in her voice, like she had trouble saying it altogether. Her therapist thinks it has to do with losing her father at an early age. We've known each other for a long time, so I know it is a marriage based out of familiarity and comfort. I love her as a person, but I'm not in love with her, which I know is a common refrain in these situations. But when I'm HONEST with myself, I know I've never really been in love with her either. And that's a hard thing to admit to myself, and to others that i made such a huge mistake, so I struggle alone.
I can't help but feel like a complete worthless piece of shit, both for the fact that I don't love my wife (and the mother of my children), to the point that I'm willing to cheat on her, and for what it's doing to the other woman, who has expressed her own regrets at what has transpired between us. OW is not laying down the ultimatum, but has said that it can be nothing more as long as I am still married. And how could it be?! What am I really expecting, it can't be sustained like this! But I run through scenarios, imagining the OW with anyone else devastates me, but picturing my W with someone else gives me a sense of.......relief? My kids though, they're beautiful innocent angels, they are what keeps me here. And the fact that I like my wife and dont want to hurt her. She has too much pride, if she knew the truth about how I felt and the things I've done, she would leave me in an instant. And again, there comes that sense of relief, that i didn't have to make A CHOICE, or be an active player in my own life. That's why I fantasize a scenario in which she inadvertently discovers the A, even though this would complicate an inevitable divorce.
So now I'm in a place where a large part of me just wants to leave my wife NOW (and live with a 50/50 split of the children in PA) . My children are both under 3, so in my mind the effects of divorce at this point would be minimized. The other part of me knows the dangers that lie ahead with this OW too, and the likelihood of that relationship ever working. Do I choose now to upend the lives myself, my wife and my daughters believing this affair to be symptomatic of the emptiness I feel in this marriage?
I feel like I barely recognize myself. I need help.......
I can't thank you enough for your response, I was literally tearing up reading it. I will definitely pm you later
Stepping away from both relationships and taking time to gain clarity and just be a dad is my personal suggestion.
There must be something that drew you to your wife in the first place? Do you think that could be revisited? MC, IC?
Pink pony, I know, if I think of the roles reversed and myself in my wife's place, there is no doubt I would want to be released. I would welcome the time to be a dad, as you said, but taking the divorce plunge is daunting (hence the fear of taking action), thinking of all the lives it would affect, including my wife. It just sucks, because it almost feels like a "pity" type motivation, rather than a motivation to save the marriage for the purpose of building a life to move forward with her.
-"I'm going to request some space from AP."
-"I'm going to refrain from contacting AP for the duration of the weekend."
At the end of each milestone, pat yourself on the back and extend it another day/week/timeframe.
That's how my ex-AP weaned us off of each other. He declared he was taking a weekend off and I respected his request. Then he extended it for a week. Then for two weeks. Then a month. Now it's NC probably permanently or until circumstances significantly change. So try a day, then go from there. You'll back-slide and then try again multiple times in the process. But we will support you.
I like my H - he's a GREAT father and incredibly kind person - but I don't love him. Then again, A love is a very f-ed up, distorted sense of reality.
So.. many of us have walked your current path and lived among and survived that painfully thick fog. If you decide to redirect focus to your marriage, It's SO HARD to stick to NC goals because your brain will be detoxing from the high - it will crave the dopamine it's been getting used to as a result of the affair. You'll wonder how the hell you can possibly live without that person and your emotions will deceive you. You'll stress nonstop about the loss of your once perfectly rational thought process. You'll hurt. You'll cry. You'll feel like your world is falling apart. You'll look at your kids and feel pain, guilt, confusion... you'll wonder how *they* stopped being the primary focus of your life. You'll feel like you're losing the only thing that makes you happy; which confuses you even more because you FAMILY should ultimately make you happy. You'll feel selfish. You'll feel lonely. You'll feel insane.
BUT - - then you'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You'll slowly find your way back to yourself and you'll realize that affairs are nothing but a mindfuck. You'll realize that you did/do love the person that you sacrificed your sanity for; but you'll realize that such situations aren't sustainable and you'll grieve the loss. It'll take time. You'll need distractions. You might begin to lean on this community and find that your friends here are the only people who "get" it.
Most importantly - you'll be okay. And so will she.
I think its great to be in MC and IC, but are you telling admitting in MC you are having an A? Because that changes the direction of the game, you know. If not, and your counselor and your w think you sit through it every week and then you leave the office and hit it with your OW , you are wasting not only your money, but your time, and their time. I remember being in IC and walking out the door to the parking lot, texting my xOM and then meeting him in a hotel room within 30 minutes. I did.
MC isn't going to make you fall in love with your wife. It may help to see if anything is salvageable. Maybe you OW is the one. Who knows? But I agree that you need to break free and clear the fog and work on you and see what you really want. It really doesn't sound like you want to be with your W for the long haul and that's ok, too.
As for the OW going through a painful divorce and 'needing you'......you can write that if it makes you feel better, but that's not really what this is, is it? My AP experienced something that I allowed myself to be an enabler to him during our A, but what it really was, was an excuse.....she'll be ok, she has friends and family to help her through times of stress. You are captivated by her, intoxicated by her and feel a powerful connection.
Also, I'm not one that is a huge proponent for staying together for the sake of the children. Children learn what they live. They see, they feel your interactions. They mirror your actions. They learn from you what a 'loving' relationship should look like. As a child growing up with parents that should have been divorced and both witnessing them doing counterproductive behaviors to ensure a happy marriage, I only learned how to sustain a dysfunctional marriage. And you know what, once those kids are gone...and it goes fast.....you will find yourself sitting across the dinner table trying to make small talk with a stranger wondering how you are going to do this for the rest of your life.
You are in a good place. The CS on this site get it, we've been there in one way or another. Its a long road. Journal, make some friends, write it out. Good luck.
And wow, shoretimenow, when you said "MC is not going to make you fall in love with your wife".....I think THAT was what I was secretly hoping for, or at least a part of me, with my half assed attempt at MC. Out therapist is great, but that's asking for something that can only come from me. The other part of me with MC felt like it "appeared" the right thing to do to those on the outside. The Counselor knows there "was" an A, the W does not, and neither knows it continues. And as long as it does MC means nothing really.
Getting these thoughts out there, whether in this post or a journal, reading your perspectives as folks who have been there before, it truly is a little less lonely. I still feel like crap :) but I am at least reflecting on myself in ways that I never have before, reading stuff I wrote and feeling almost surprised at what it said. But the feelings associated so familiar.
Never loved my spouse either. I never even really liked him, and didn't want to get married to him. But I did sign that marriage contract - it's the biggest regret of my life. So I understand how you feel.
My suggestion to you would be: think, really think about your wife and your AP, and which person, as an individual, you would prefer to live with day to day. How well do you know your AP? Have you gotten to know her as a human being, warts and all, or do you still have her up on the pedestal of infatuation? Many posters on CA say their spouses are great people, but they don't love them. For me, my H is not a great person, he is abusive, lazy and selfish. My AP is not without his flaws, but overall he is the better, more dependable person. Honestly at this point, I'd like to be rid of both though and make a fresh start for me and my kids. How do you feel about the chance for a fresh start as a single guy? Scared? Relieved? Excited? Terrified?
When I can catch a glimpse through the fog, I picture a future as a single guy (no W and no OW) and it seems a little scary but never truly lonely because I'll always have my children, regardless of what happens with my love life. It sounds like you feel the same way minspa. My children are what stops me short of fantasizing about just picking up and moving to another city, free of my marriage but also distancing myself from the tremendous pull I feel to the OW. I may have googled "how to fake your own death"... ;)
Question for anyone, I do feel guilt about taking my children away from my wife (assuming an even split), and them from their mother. Anyone have any thoughts on how to come to grips with that?
I was seeing a woman, I am not sure what is happening now and I feel I should leave him and just let him have a life but I am so scared it won't work for her and I have nowhere to even go if I let and it is slowly pulling me apart, I suffered a breakdown.
I am sorry I can't give much help but I wanted to say I relate.
I know how painful it is to sit on that fence feeling guilty and ashamed and trapped. You are not alone.