Tantric, this is an excerpt from something I wrote in a journal entry. Perhaps it will help explain what you are going through:

"I believe our subconscious mind works very very hard to give us what we want even if we know consciously that this is really not what we want. Even if what we want is really bad for us and we know it. Like that battle in the mind over dessert when we are trying to lose weight. Do you notice how hard your mind works to give you that dessert? How about a half a piece? Just a bite? This instead because it has less calories and more fiber? Yes, our mind works hard to make us happy even if it is working against us. Even if it will destroy us. When addiction is involved it only gives strength to the battle."

I was thinking about this because of course you knew it was bad to be an OW, but your mind did the necessary gymnastics, working overtime, to come up with a way to make it okay because you wanted it so bad. We all, the CS's, did these mental gymnastics in order to make what we wanted acceptable in our own mind.

Please try not to punish yourself for what you have done, as you have said you do when you do wrong. Instead work hard, like any good CS or OW, to understand why and how you let this happen so you can avoid such choices in the future.

Also, could you clear something up please. It seems some people think you have habitually gone after MM. My impression has been that this is the first time.

I know you are struggling. Work at healing and put as much space and barriers between yourself and MM as you can.