Some of you may have heard my story on here. My first post, for those who haven't: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287)

I've been going to MC and meditating in the last few months. Reflecting on myself and my life. Trying to get to the "why" of my A. As I've done this, I've thought a lot about my childhood, which seems like a natural place to go, I guess.

All in all, I had a decent childhood and I was a decent kid. Lived in a nice neighborhood, had some good friends (many of whom I still hang out with today), played sports, did well in school, etc.

But it wasn't all good. My parents divorced when I was 5, which in of itself wasn't that big of a deal. Mom and dad still lived near each other, and I saw both of them. I just had two homes. However, my dad remarried around when I was 8, and the stepmom for whatever reason just didn't like me. As I said, I was a pretty average, decent kid. I did kid things. I wasn't particularly troublesome or difficult, I don't think. But she hated me, and not long into her marriage to my father, it began to show. She'd yell at me, call me horrible things, threaten me. It never got physical, but as a terrified kid, I often felt that physical violence maybe wasn't that far off.

In general, I lived in fear while at my dad's house. I didn't want to be yelled at, and I never knew what might set her off. So I usually just tried to stay in my room while there and avoid her if I could.

My dad was a good enough guy, but all he did was try to brush things under the rug. He'd talk to her, and ask her to stop. He'd tell me he knew I didn't do anything wrong, but still suggest that I try to stay away from my stepmom. Mainly for my own good.

As the bad situation continued, all I wanted was for my dad to stop things. To put me first, and send her packing. I was (and still am) his only son, and after hearing the things the stepmom would yell at me, I'd think, "Why won't he put his foot down, put me first, and leave her?" He never did. As I got older, I became better at defending myself somewhat against my stepmom. Kids at age 9-10 can't fathom adults being so mean. Kids at 16 are a bit better equipped to deal with it. Finally, I made the decision to move out of the house and live with my mom full-time. Perhaps the best decision I ever made. Just wish I had made it sooner...

Fast forward to today, and my dad and I still get together from time to time. We're not as close as some fathers and sons, but we still have an OK relationship. But I've never really told him that I feel hurt by HIM for not rescuing me from the stepmom situation. Of course he knows my stepmom hurt me, but I think I was perhaps hurt even more by him...he's a guy I looked up to and loved, and he didn't do the one thing I needed, which was to leave my stepmom. To put me first.

My counselor suggested I talk to him about all this, and tomorrow we're getting together to do just that. I hope that it brings me some closure on the pain and fear I felt as a child. And I hope, in the aftermath of my A, this helps me move forward as a better person. I do believe that, at least subconsciously, one of the reasons I pursued my A was to fill the "attention void" from when I was younger, when my stepmom hated me and my dad didn't save me from it. I didn't get the true attention I needed back then, and maybe it felt good to get it from OW today.

I think this will be good for me. Onward.