Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi. Posted my full story a week or so ago (http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287). I think I'm slowly feeling better about myself, but I'm still really struggling with two things:
1) WHY did I cheat? I wasn't feeling like things were missing in my marriage (we generally get along, and it seems like physical attraction/chemistry is still there), I'm a generally happy person (some self-esteem issues growing up, but that's a long time ago now), I haven't experienced recent loss or trauma, etc. Plus, the OW was multiple states away and we only messaged each other, save for our initial in-person meeting at a conference...it wasn't going to become more. So why? Why would a happy person with a pretty good life and a wonderful wife do something like this? It makes no sense to me, and it continues to bring me pain every day.
2) My wife and I are now living separately, but are still talking, going to counseling, and planning weekly dates...in short, we're making an effort. But she has said that while she's willing to make this effort, her gut is telling her it won't work in the long term...she doesn't think trust will come back. So my question is: Is there anyway I can get that doubt of her mind? I want us both to say: "We can make this work, and we will do it together," but I know I can't force her to think a certain way. Is it possible, though, to encourage more belief and effort on her part? Or would trying to do that possibly do more harm?
Thanks
1) WHY did I cheat? I wasn't feeling like things were missing in my marriage (we generally get along, and it seems like physical attraction/chemistry is still there), I'm a generally happy person (some self-esteem issues growing up, but that's a long time ago now), I haven't experienced recent loss or trauma, etc. Plus, the OW was multiple states away and we only messaged each other, save for our initial in-person meeting at a conference...it wasn't going to become more. So why? Why would a happy person with a pretty good life and a wonderful wife do something like this? It makes no sense to me, and it continues to bring me pain every day.
2) My wife and I are now living separately, but are still talking, going to counseling, and planning weekly dates...in short, we're making an effort. But she has said that while she's willing to make this effort, her gut is telling her it won't work in the long term...she doesn't think trust will come back. So my question is: Is there anyway I can get that doubt of her mind? I want us both to say: "We can make this work, and we will do it together," but I know I can't force her to think a certain way. Is it possible, though, to encourage more belief and effort on her part? Or would trying to do that possibly do more harm?
Thanks
The more time that goes by though I do become more sure of one thing: he wasn't "the one", and there is no such thing as "the one". Life, real life, doesn't have space for stuff that movies and literature are made of. Fiction is not reality.
So in regards to #2 I believe "time" is also your answer. It's difficult to accept that it's the one thing we have no control over.. but it is a healer of all things, even those I never thought possible.
#1 most likely happened because you and your W did not set up good boundaries for your marriage when you allowed each other to have fun on the side. I think you realize now that this is not healthy and will not work for you. That, IMHO, is what started you down the wrong road. It probably had more to do with that than your sense of happiness or unhappiness in your marriage. Once connected to the OW, Dopamine took over. Strong stuff--if you have not read about neurotransmitters, you probably should. P&D is right on target about the Dopamine. It was a flame addiction--not to excuse your behavior, but to explain how things like this can happen.
#2 - don't be in a hurry. This takes time. Baby steps. Healing from betrayal is not easy. Being in a hurry might make your W sense being pressured (whether you intend it to or not) and this can be very detrimental to her healing. P&D is right, time is the answer.
I agree with the others but I want to say how impressive your introspection on your behavior is.
I think sometimes infidelity is a cumulation of many many different factors. It is for me. I have given up on pin pointing one thing. I can tell you it was me, not my husband and I always knew that.
Building trust takes time. Are you guys in counseling? You both seem committed. You both seem you live each other. I'm sure a therapist can give you some more definitive trust building exercises.
Good luck!
I think everyone is right about the time thing...this is just so hard, because I want everything to be fixed NOW. Patience must be practiced, I know...