Hello,

So just like most of you in here, I'm a cheater.  I physically cheated once in my marriage and in almost every past relationship.  I virtually cheat habitually.  I have this impulse to go online when I'm bored and chat up women on apps.  This was initially my vice in my marriage but it was this vice that opened the door and lead to the physical act.  

My wife has found out about the texting habits on multiple occasions throughout our relationship and each time I somehow got her to forgive me.  She was devestated.  She was broken.  But I talked my way out of it.  She forgave me.

Over the past month or so, I became insanely scared that I had contracted an std as the result of my physical deviant activity.  I had hidden it for 2 years at that point.  I went to an urgent care and they gave it a diagnosis of either folliculitis or herpetic legions.  I thought it was warts.  He gave me an antibiotic that I had barely started when the fear and guilt became too much.  I hadn't even went for an std test before I blurted it out to my wife on the couch.  "I think I gave you herpes, I cheated on you 2 years ago and lied about it." I did this the day before our daughters first day at school ever, the week before a family vacation, and the week before my wife's birthday.  

Needless to say, the fallout was immediate.  She broke down and kept repeating "I knew it".  Over and over.  Followed immediately by "get out you don't live here anymore." I fell apart.  I went into a basically mindless stupor for the next 15 hours.  I could barely speak, haven't eaten still.  I can't imagine the pain I've caused her.  I can't begin to fathom how betrayed and worthless I've made her feel.  

After all the lying and opportunities to come clean I still persisted in my online infidelities and then finally admitted to this.  And only because I thought I had given her herpes.  I had been using the app I was sneaking around on off and on until as recently as two months ago.  

She talked to me about it again last night after the kids went to bed and was in no way willing to hear apologies.  I outlined my history of online infidelity to her and the specific circumstances.  In her words she can "never trust me again and doesn't want to try even if our family is all she wants".  The sick part of all of this is all I want is my family.  Why didn't I stop? Why didn't I admit the whole truth when she gave me opportunities? Even after I got caught I would still lie, hide things, and deny things. 

I did it so much I don't even remember everything to tell her.  So many random convos, so many photos, so many lies.  I think it's all over for us.  Ive broken her too many times.  Every cell in my body aches to beg and plead and try to talk to her and figure something out.  Deep down I think I know it's over.  She doesn't want to try anymore.  She might not even love me anymore.  

I told myself so many times I'd stop, I had to stop.  But I didn't. I'm sick.  I'm heartless.  I don't know how to fix myself.  Im already losing my entire life.  My own parents are so dissapointed in me they can barely speak to me.  How do I get a grip on myself? How can I move forward in my life?  Is there any hope for my marriage?