I'm a cheater and have been seeing a woman who I went to Grade School and high school with. We got reengaged 18 months ago via facebook. We started chatting and hit it off. About a year ago I got a new job that required me to travel to my old home town. We decided to meet and after 3 dates we were falling in love and making super fulfilling love. We became very connected.

Her relationship with her husband had been struggling and her divorce was finalized in early February. This caused increased pressure on me to do something cause she was free. We still kept seeing eachother and falling deeper and deeper for eachother. We were so into eachother so in love. On 4/25 she sent me a dear John note and said we need to pause. But we were still going to be on hold. We exchanged emails texted and talked a ton until around 5/12 when she wrote me another note saying she was dating men in her social circle but nothing serious. A couple days later I got another email saying she had met another man and was going to give her heart to him. I was so blown away. We both decided to go to NC last Friday and both have actually made a weel (good news).

I feel so said as I actually loved what we had. But when I look at whole situation and have been doing self reflection I have come to feel she did me a favor. I have been married 26 years, she has been married 24 years and was married two time before for a total of three time. She has kids with all three husband. The fact she had been married with kids before was no issues and didn't matter to me but my explain why she wrote the two dear john emails. She said she didn't want to be alone and liked being married.

I have given this so much thought and gone through in my mind everything her and I did and basically came to the conclusion my current wife and I can do everything we did. Hold eachother, Kiss, Make Love, have candle light dinners with fine wine. I think I can get this back I know I can get it back I want to get it back with me wife.

All logic says this is really a great favor she did for me but here comes the but........ I still want to talk to her I still see us clearly together Making Love and doing the things we did. I cant get my mind off her new guy jumping into my shoes and feeling the way I did - makes me cry. I want these feelings to go away I really need support for NC and need confirmation that this is truly a gift she gave me - cut me free. I'm still so lost so sad want it all to go away. I want my life back!!!

I figured this is the cost of what I did. However, it still hurts. I need everyone here to support me and tell me hang in there be strong. I have learned how hurtful this is it really sucks - the feeling of joy I got is hardly worth the pain I suffer now. I wish I would have never done this.

Its hard to see her riding on with another man but suspect that wont work so well - I'm not wishing her the worse but just judging on what I have read the odds are against her.

So please help me stay in the NC mode - offer any advice to get my love back for my wife I know I can cause she is willing and capable of everything I got from my OW. I just didnt realize it. I havent told my wife and right now I dont plan too. I still have all the emails of conversations I had with the OW. I cant part with them but I know I should. Please give me support to hit delete of those - they are triggers they should be gone but I can't do it.

I've read so many situations on this and believe most of us are in the same place and everyone supports everyone. Please help me achieve the same strenght so many of you have helped others with. I will pay forward when I begin to heal.