"I feel a pent up dam of love and devotion and desperately want to *apply* it somewhere. Indeed, when I think back on it, I wonder if this was always the case? I want someone to love and cherish and so badly want compassion and devotion in return"

This was my exOM's problem, I think. He was incredibly emotional and his W, from what he said, was not. Of course she cries and bleeds like everyone else, but he felt a longing for the *depth*.

He also semi-reluctantly got married - 15 years ago - and went on to have 2 beautiful children and live a pretty decent, what we would call, "surface life".

So, my friend, you are one BIG love story away from complete devastation. The fact that you step out tells me that you aren't just a player of the field, but that something in your subconscious (or maybe not so much) is longing for something. That thing - my A - *wrecked* me and exOM, I suspect permanently. Try to keep that nugget in the foreground of your recovery process. Trust me, this is sound advice. :)

As for what to do about your M.. I don't know much, but I wholeheartedly believe that time is a game-changer, in *all* cases. Try your best to sort through and understand that you don't have to make a decision today. This is all a process.

Since the affair, have you been exceptionally remorseful, patient, and transparent with her? These are things she needs. If a partner who has cheated and is trying to rebuild shows one ounce of impatience, reluctance to discuss things, etc. or attempts to justify their actions, it can often be a dealbreaker (like the straw that broke the camel's back) for the person who is already feeling beat up from being cheated on. I know, I was a victim of cheating and we have rebuilt. And took a lot--especially on the part of my boyfriend.

As I said, it took a lot for me to trust again--a whole lot. I know from experience how being cheated on feels, how excruciatingly painful it is. Regaining trust of a betrayed partner takes monumental fortitude, which can only be achieved by extreme measures on the part of the the who cheated. You have to be willing to get beat up a bit by your spouse and respond only with kindness. You need to answer questions over and over (and over) again without getting frustrated, and respond with kindness. She needs kindness, only kindness, from you--she cannot take anything more. Healing takes a lot of time and goes through many stages. Sure, I know you have feeling too--but rebuilding is not about your feelings, it is about healing the hurt that was caused.

If you have done all these things mentioned, perhaps your marriage is not salvageable, as sometimes people are pushed beyond what they can handle. I hope that this is not the case. I wish you the best.

Thank you Sarah, that makes a lot of sense.

I think I need focus on patience, remorse, and transparency even more. I've tried really hard to demonstrate all three, but I'm going to try even harder.

Thanks for the well wishes.

It makes me happy and gives me hope to see people who are truly trying to do the right thing. :-)

Does anyone recommend intensive outpatient/inpatient therapy? My wife is suggesting I attend, and I'll do it to demonstrate my resolve.

I do not know anything about outpatient/inpatient therapy, but your situation is sounding more hopeful. :-)

Intensive therapy will give you a chance to hammer out a lot of your issues and focus on the addition elements, but I still don't think it's a substitute for time. That said, it may move your understanding/healing process along the accelerated track!

I'm not 100% convinced you *need* intensive outpatient/inpatient therapy (and it's expensive), but I don't think it stands to hurt.

Good feedback, thank you.

At this point, my W is convinced that I'm addict and need inpatient therapy. Whether that diagnosis is right or wrong (and I have 2 psyche evals indicating I'm probably not), then I probably should proceed as if is and book myself. Can't hurt, as you say, and very likely to accelerate progress in the right direction.

Some part of me is a little worried that the inordinate expense/time is going to cause greater problems than it solves, but clearly going against BS wishes is recipe for disaster.

Anybody find this article describes them? I do.: http://www.itscheating.com/sex-addiction-news/experts-discuss-differences-between-womanizing-and-sexual-addiction/

You are right to go on with it, even if just to show your wife that you are willing to do whatever it takes. She needs to see that from you right now, and I applaud you for recognizing that.

"There is a part of me that is a loving and caring husband and a part of me that is a "bad boy", enjoying my youth and virility, and these two parts never talk to, or meet each other. And I lived a happy life until my conscience began knocking."
You also said (paraphrasing) you generally didn't feel any remorse.
I am not sure about addiction but younseem to have a sence of entitlement. You need counseling but not for addiction. You seem like you have a conscience which is a start. But you have the knack to compartmentalize. You have work... Good luck

Thanks for these comments.

We blew up yesterday after our respective men's and women's groups because the other ladies convinced/validated her that I'm merely "grandstanding" with my work.
It's awful, because I'm doing a massive amount of healing: neglecting my businesses in order to read/research 8+ hours a day, interviewing with inpatient therapy, doing psychological therapy as well as family counseling, going through a 12-step program, doing daily exercises, etc in order to get to the root of my motivations and overhaul my messed up sexuality.
It's hard, I admit, to see your efforts dismissed as mere window dressing.
I find a moment of peace, though, when I remember to be patient with her terrible pain, to let the awful denigrating words wash over me, and just focus on letting time demonstrate what I'm doing. God, I need every prayer you guys have; it's so tempting to give up and not fight for the marriage. I am committed to healing whether she continues with the divorce or not, it's out of my hands.
But oh how I wish we could heal and rebuild.
Thanks for the encouragement.

Time will demonstrate that you are sincere; it is very normal for her to not trust right now. I know it takes a lot of strength to go what you are going through, it takes immense fortitude. Hopefully with time, things will work out. Your heart is in the right place.

However, after what you wrote, I am wondering if group therapy is the right road for you two. Perhaps individual therapy and also therapy for the two of you as a couple? Just a thought. Other people in a group who also have problems are not usually the ones to take advice from. Those women do not know you, their advice to your wife obviously was inflammatory, and IMHO women can often deep down be jealous and not so supportive of each other even though they are acting like they are. Been there.

Hmmm... Sage advice.

This is probably a crazy idea but what about separating for a time while you are working on your marriage? Sometimes having time/space away from the person you are trying to fix things with gives great perspective on the situation. I think when you are mired in the every day/all day life, it is hard to step back and see things with clear eyes. I know that when I found out about my exH's affair, I just needed space. It might help both of you to rebuild your marriage.

Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder. She may take a different approach seeing what life is like without you there and vice-versa.

I'm increasingly of the opinion that's a good idea. Praying and hoping.