Hello to you all and this my first time ever joining in on a group like this but I felt like it was time to let go of what I've been holding in and hopefully move pass these emotional struggles and ugly thoughts. Well to start off. I've been with my other half for about 11years but within those 11 years I've messed up badly. I would say I've cheated aorund 9 to 11 times with multiple people. Mostly friends of my partner. 3 times were I had sex. Others times playing around and touching. I have thoughts of others all the time. Even with some of her new friends. I try not to think them but most part alwas works it's way in to my nasty mind somehow. I've had kids that look up to me now look at me as a joke or with disgust. When I think about everything I've done man I get sick to my stomach. I'm alwas putting myself down if my partner isn't alwas saying I'm doing something behind her back. In my case I see why she's alwas saying that but it does hurt. So much I wish I could change but it is what it is and I did do what I did. We argue about everyday or something sets of a chain of events that I fell like I'm not in control of. Most of the time I get angry and blurt out whatever. I try to say something as mean but for life of me I can't sometimes. Alwas break down and say quiet and wish I never met sometimes. That's when it gets bad bad. Like sleeping at someone's else house or taking off. Mostly the second one. If I went somewhere she know I don't belong automatically think I messed around or sleep with them. Now it kinda fells like I'm getting played cuz I see how she reacts to certain text or keeps her phone with her but I just think I'm paranoid but I don't know. In other words I'm looking for help. Help for me. To stop this evil cycle