Today was brutal.

 We have had a good month of counseling and even a nice weekend away.  We have been intimate multiple times and we have been more affectionate.  I've tried to use my feelings of shame, guilt, and disgust with myself to "man up" and be better and there for her as much as possible.  Especially when answering questions and to be there when she needs it.

But I'm a week into not sleeping more than 3-4 hours a night; I sat up last night just thinking how my wife and kid would be better without me around now.  I screwed everything up.  My mind went to a very dark place where I haven't been in a long time.  It's as close as I have ever come.

 I talked about it with my wife (not everything obviously as I don't want to either scare her or risk having my current mental issues/ideation manipulate or pressure her; even by accident). I want her to be happy, even if it's without me.

she's been great.  She continues to say she loves me, that we're working on our issues, that we're best friends, that she doesn't want to leave.

I just don't know.  I've never had a very good opinion of myself.  But I've always worked hard and done my best to be a good man.  I love working to provide for my family, to help our parents, to let her do the important work of being a stay at home mom, and to give my child things my parents never could have given me.  I'm  no saint but I never thought I'd cheat.  

Here I am though; just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  It's my own fault of course, but the more I think about myself and what I have done, the less I feel like that they need me around.  It's a scary and terrible feeling.