You know I STILL am pretty forgiving of myself. I think it's so very important. Lately I've been acknowldging more and more of why and how I could do it and questioning my morals. BUT deep down even though I know it was SO Wrong and so not normal for me I still forgive myself. I think we are all so human and so fallible. I haven't gone to confession yet though and I''m kind of getting ready for it though I still have major issues with confessions in general (Even before this) but I think this year I might be ready for it. I just don't know.

I think you should. You may have heard me say that I have gone to confession almost weekly since DDAY. This has actually helped me a lot since I don't get to go to counseling although I think a little counseling would do me some good. It would have to be free though.

I read this yesterday, and also got the below in an e-mail:

Beloved, refuse to listen to the useless chatter of the enemy when he tries to convince you that you are flawed or worthless. I have not and do not condemn you. You are My special treasure, chosen for My own purposes. Satan is against you because he is against Me, says the Lord, and these lies are weapons formed against you. Do not believe them. You are who I say you are!

Psalms 139:14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.

I think that was meant for me, and maybe for you too. This is hard for us, as a group, because we have hurt people. Its also hard because people tend to not have respect for us, thus it is hard to respect ourselves. The good thing is, if you are part of this group, then you are trying, you want to change and recognize that you can, and part of the is actively telling yourself, that you are sorry, and ASKING yourself for forgiveness, and then giving yourself that forgiveness. We are all there with you.

As Always God Bless

GaC

"and part of this is actively telling yourself, that you are sorry, and ASKING yourself for forgiveness, and then giving yourself that forgiveness. We are all there with you."

Thank you so much Green! This is what I needed to hear! I have never ever thought to do that. I am going to do this today during my prayer time. I may have to do it every day for a while.
So helpful. Thank you!

I'm new here and still trying to figure a lot out for myself, but one thing that was mentioned above was about confession. I also have mixed feelings about confession but in early December, I chose to go and confess what I'd done. It was a huge relief - I think even just to tell someone about what I'd done (I have not told a SINGLE person in my life, other than the OM that I had an affair) was a huge relief. I remember at the time that I hadn't been able to cry - not about having the affair, not even when it ended and I was feeling extremely depressed, etc. As soon as I sat in the confessional and I began to talk, the tears came. I ended up bawling my eyes out to the priest, who was comforting and forgiving. I went to a different parish for confession because I was afraid of the priest recognizing my voice and knowing who I was. I've been to confession since then, but haven't discussed the affair. Maybe that is a good way to help forgive myself and ease the guilt, especially since I'm also not in counseling. I strongly suggest confession.

There's a reason why confession is so powerful. There's an understanding that, in order to be accepted and loved, one must first be known. When nobody knows, going to confession gives reassurance that at least one person is capable of loving and accepting in spite of whatever negative behavior.

I did ask myself for forgiveness. I went through everything I was asking myself for forgiveness for and I cried. I said to myself: "okay, I'll forgive you because of how hard you have been working on yourself but I don't know how well it will stick. I'm pretty mad at you." I said: "I know, but thanks for trying."

All in all, I think it went pretty good, Lol.

Incidentally I went to my weekly confession last night and we did talk about forgiveness. We talked about self-forgiveness too. Right now he wants me to focus on accepting forgiveness from God and from H and he wants me to focus on scriptures and readings and lessons that are about God's love for us/me. I cried a lot but it was good.
One more confession before Easter. I have had to go almost a year now (11 mos) without being allowed to go to communion. I was hoping he would let me go for Easter but he didn't mention it last night. He will mention it next week because so far he has been giving me Holy Water from a chalice after the services of major feasts. It is what is done for people who are working to come back into communion to the church so next week after confession he will either tell me I am gonna do the Holy Water thing again or he will give me absolution and I will be allowed to commune. In our church it is not uncommon to be made to wait at least a full year after a sin of this magnitude. It is meant to be a time of repentance and healing and preparing to be fully reunited to Christ and the church.

I had a change in my thinking when it came to forgiving myself when I realized God forgives, no matter what and no matter how many times. How can I not forgive myself then? If He, The Almighty..The Great I Am...can forgive me...little ol' me..then certainly I can atleast WORK on forgiveness. God (or your Higher Power) doesn't want us miserable, living in a dark self-pity hole. He wants us to improve....to aim higher..to always be working to be the people we've always wanted to be. Think of it being possible and it will be done. :)

Hugs..Sherrie

Well, No Easter communion for me. I guess it is fair since I took communion last Easter in the middle of my A's. Ugh!
I was very discouraged for a bit after my confession Sat night because the priest kind of laid out where we are going from here.
when he decides he can commune me again it will be for the great feasts only. There are 12 great feasts a year. He said it will be that way for "quite a while." I guess I was discouraged because it has been nearly a year, May 11th, and I was hoping to soon be reinstated even if I would have to go to confession before each time.
When he told me the "plan" it made me feel like I am still years from being back in full communion with the church. I have been working so hard to keep all the "disciplines" given to me. I know it is all for my healing and that is why I am doing all of it. Not just to be reinstated. I need to be patient and keep myself focused on the real goals. When it happens it happens. I believe it is Gods choice, not my priests, because I believe God will direct him on the when and how to proceed with me so I choose to let my disappointment go and just trust and buckle down to continue my work with myself and my marriage.

Gabbie, I just wanted to offer some empathy to you as I know what you are going through. I was asked not to come back to my church by the elders, as the church is W's safe haven, and having me there would not be good for her. I will admit that I have anger towards churches right now, as I have been in that church for 18 years. But I also understand that W needs her own space to be loved and supported. I dont have that, but I know that is my fault, and i certainly cant blame anyone else for it. I as you will continue to buckle down and work with myself, as I want to know my own will and move with it.

As Always God Bless

GaC

Your post is very uplifting. I too struggle with self-forgiveness (a lot lately). Why does it feel like the hardest thing to do?! I feel the guilt all over again everytime I think of my broken family but I know I have to move on. Thank you for your inspirational message.

I should update here that a lot of things happened during Holy Week and one night I had a big break down from sorrow and remorse that just came over me and the priest and I had a long talk that night and the next day he said he wanted me to receive absolution and take communion for the Easter service after all. I was shocked and I have written a journal entry about what that all was like. It was a huge moment for me. I have since been able to accept forgiveness within myself.

It doesn't change what happened and I still hurt and struggle but it has helped me and I am doing better. Had a bad incident happen today and posted a new thread about it. There is nothing easy about this journey, but I am thankful anyway for many reasons.

I can't forgive myself. I hurt my partner in a way that has changed both our lives, and by doing so I have thrown away the future I was going to have. I have nothing left. This sounds selfish but he can move on, he is brilliant, accomplished, lovable, and someone amazing will fall in love with him. I am miserable and bitter. My partnership with him was the only redeeming part of my life after following 2 devastating losses. Now I am facing losing everything else.

The only way I could forgive myself for this is if he gives me another chance. But he says he just doesn't know if he can feel the same way about me.