Very good article!!
I'm afraid I will never forgive myself and that I will carry this to my grave. I was busted in an A and I divorced my h within 6 months and then I remarried him and I'm not sure if he's ever given me complete forgiveness. Yes we remarried but once in awhile the subject does come up and he has told me that if I ever cheat again he will leave me for good. He says he will never go through it again.
That is why I know I fall into the category of never forgiving myself for having another A with the freaking same man.

I guess once I figure out why I went back into it again then Maybe I'll learn a little self forgiveness. Maybe????

Reading that made me teary eyed. It's all so powerful. Self-forgiveness is a hard concept to grasp in this type of situation. Yes, I finally accepted forgiveness from you and God at 11 mos post Dday, but even then I wasn't completely finished with self-punishment, a much easier concept to grasp, Lol. I still have my days.....

I think reaching a point of acceptance probably is the key. I still struggle with that because their is a part of my psyche (good girl) that just can't rectify it so it's like a part of me is off-line or something. Out of sync maybe? Anyway, I know I still have a lot of very tender spots in me and I cry very easily still, especially when I am praying or thinking deeply, but then, I have always been a cryer, eh?

Thanks for sharing, this was a good article. My H does not know and I struggle with forgiving myself. At first I was morning the end of the A, now I am starting to process the feelings that it wasn't what I thought it was and I am afraid next, the guilt is going to hit like a truck. I already feel horrible about it, but I don't think I have fully processed what I risked.

heard4, you asked, "I guess once I figure out why I went back into it again then Maybe I'll learn a little self forgiveness. Maybe????"

I hinted at that in the article. Building to a better future can certainly take the sting out of it. We've all done things we're not proud of. How much better to use that guilt in a positive way to take stock, recognize your weaknesses, and address them, and take steps to improve yourself. Too often when we are faced with our wrongs, we tend to hide from them and hope it goes away. Usually they resurface.

Most everyone here is hopefully on that road to some degree by the fact they are on a support group. Reading good material, counseling are also recommended. It may be a matter of establishing boundaries well before the "cliff" to stay safe, or might be correcting a long-held habit and way of responding to people, or beliefs about issues like sex and relationships (not merely head knowledge, but guiding principles you live by). Lots of possibilities we couldn't list them all out here.

But yes, working to discover the underlying issues of why you chose to allow it to happen so you can prevent a reoccurrence is helpful in dealing with the guilt. When we learn from our mistakes,, then at least they serve some purpose of a positive nature.

Something I didn't bring out in the article, though it was in the back of my mind. Gabi pointed it out. I used the term "full healing." I should have clarified that the term does not mean "complete healing" which some may think it implies. But rather the most complete healing possible. As Gabi pointed out, while she received a huge release of guilt and need to punish herself with the absolution (I could tell an immediate difference at that point and since), that doesn't mean the guilt is totally gone. We're talking about degrees of healing.

Scars remain. It has become a part of our history neither of us can change or erase. She'll probably always look back on that time in her life and feel guilty about the affair. The difference healing makes, however, is it frees one up to move forward in a positive manner in one's life with present and future relationships. The fuller the healing, the freer one is able to do that. Same with the BS.

In essence, it is as much about gaining security with yourself as the BS is trying to find security in the relationship with you. Addressing the vulnerabilities gains you more security in yourself so that you don't fear hurting the ones you love like that again. No 100% guarantees, of course. None of us are perfect. But the more you reduce the risk of a reoccurence, the freer you will be to love and be loved.

But, no, you'll probably never totally get rid of the guilt. Healing is more about managing guilt and using it for positive change than eradicating it. There are things when I was in my 20s that I still feel guilty about. But they don't hold me back from living in the now and looking forward into the future.

Great article. Very good ideas on self forgiveness. Thank you!