Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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2017-A 10/01/2017

Hello everyone

This is my first post on this site so I’m not sure how it will go but anyone’s advise and support would be great.

I have been having an affair with an older married man for the past 4 months. He has been married for 13 years and has 3 children. I myself have been in a relationship for the last 3 years with my boyfriend who I live with.

I met him through work as he used to be an old customer of mine. When I left my old job he asked for my number as I was new to the area and told me to message him anytime I needed anything. After a few weeks of messaging we agreed to go for dinner. From the off set I was up front with my partner. I did not want him to think I was going behind his back or lying to him. After meeting up a few times we began to get really flirty, texting all the time and just wanting to see each other even though he was lying to his wife.

A few months in he came to mine for a catch up and said he couldn’t help but to kiss me. When he left I felt so so guilty. But, when he invited me to his office he next evening I went even though I knew I shouldn’t have. Anyway, we ended up sleeping together. After that I have never felt guilt like it. For around a week I was just sick constantly and couldn’t even bare looking at myself. But all of a sudden it just carried on.

Now we are 4 months down the line. My boyfriend still thinks me & this man are friends, & his wife knows nothing about me.

We sneak around & try to message all the time. But the way I feel is starting to kill me! I know I am the one in the wrong, but I feel down & depressed all the time. I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. And with a 20 year age gap me & this man would never work in the real world, but trying to sneak around for time to be together is getting harder as he has a lot of commitments which I feel rubbish about as I have no time with him. We have both agreed we will never leave our current relationships for each other, so I know I shouldn’t get jealous but it hurts when he’s with his wife. I tell myself all the time I need to call it off but I cannot imagine not talking or seeing him it would be like I was going through a break up!

If anyone can please tell me if their situations are similar in anyway that would be great?

Thanks

A x

forwardmotion 10/02/2017

You are in a self destructive spiral right now and probably should be seeking profession help with a counselor to help you end this affair and get prepared for the aftermath. The longer you wait the worse it gets.

flowergirl25 10/02/2017

Forward has great advice. If you think it is bad now just wait till your boyfriend or his wife find out. I am going to be brutally honest with you because you need the truth here. Most likely this man is using you for as long as he can. If his wife even had a hint of what he was doing he would drop you so fast your head would spin. It is all fun and games till it isn't and then it is hell because you will be left with a broken heart and he will sail off into the sunset with his wife and family.
You are also a bit selfish talking about him spending time with his wife. He is married to her. He has children whom he probably loves dearly. You expect him to give you more time than her? He is going above and beyond to make sure she has no inkling you exist and he will never put you before his wife and family. Before you get in more over your head I suggest you break it off and walk away as quickly as you can before this blows up in your face because it is not IF, it is when. Please get some counseling to help you do this. Do you love your boyfriend? Want to stay with him?
Look up what happens to people with D-days. I had one and I can tell you it worse than you can even imagine. I tell you all this not to be mean but to keep you from the heartbreak and possible hell of a D-day that is coming if you do not walk away.

lostintegrity 10/04/2017

Speaking a "olderman" I feel the need to give you some insight. Starting somewhere between 38-50 years of age we go through testosterone decline. This is called Andropause or Male-Menopause. Often referred to as Mid-life Crisis. The average age this starts is a 40-45. We hit a point when the realization that we are literally in the statistical half of our life span. The shock of life being truly down hill kicks us in the gut. We are on borrowed time. We fear unfinished business. We start to make irresponsible choices that are out of character. Bad financial decisions, a new expensive sports car, disappearing from our loved ones, and yes an affair with a younger woman. We act as if our feeling are commands. This is not excuse him. It's just a fact. His feelings may be genuine but acting on them is irresponsible. He's not considering the consequences to his family or to you. I've been this person. It's taken we quite a while to realize I was not only wrong but I needed help. He needs to seek help. As do you. I am sure you cant help yourself either. Like flowergirl25 above said. "It's a matter of WHEN". This is probably going to much into my own stuff but I also understand the guilt. I carried mine for 2 years. 1 year of an affair and 1 year after calling it off. I had my reasons for delaying the truth. To go into that would be revealing to much and may cause embarrassment for others. I did hit a few points when confessing even started feel like it was being selfish. In the end I hit bottom and could carry it no longer. I hope you find what you need.

shoretimenow 10/04/2017

As difficult as this is to hear, I agree with the others. This man is SO using you. He has quite the life - a 20 year younger chick in his mid life who doesn't want to rock the boat with his wife. I'm sure you are quite the stress reliever for him and truthfully, he has probably been doing this since you were in grade school.
But your life isn't about him.....its about being true to yourself, your integrity, and who you want to be.......if you need it, get therapy to let go...it was a cornerstone I needed. Affairs never end well. Protect yourself and if you can truly say that you don't want to end your relationship with your boyfriend....then don't do anything to jeopardize that. Three people do not a relationship make.
And by all means, don't be jealous of the wife.........look at what she is married to. It sounds like she drew the short straw.

gravinggirl 10/04/2017

I would get out before the whole thing explodes. It is so, so bad when that happens. Figure out what you really want in life. Don't be this guy's midlife outlet.

And yes, it will feel like a break-up you are not ready for. For a while, not forever.

LAC2cali 10/12/2017

One more note of advice: Imagine if you discovered your boyfriend was the one cheating. He was carrying on with some other woman (younger than you) behind your back. How would that make you feel? I suggest you heed the advice the above posters have graciously provided. It's why you are here, right?

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