Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
My recent excruciating run-in (and triumph over) a direct frontal assault by another woman got me to thinking about the neurochemistry of all this.
We cheaters seem to have an immense difficulty with monogamous pair-bonding. We have mixed internal motivations: a sincere desire to be "good" or "clean" but at the same time an insatiable appetite for additional sexual partners. Why is this?
From a strictly biological perspective (I leave spirituality out for now); we humans are pretty odd. Perhaps the most social species on earth, we exist within a "networked brain," relying on information/experience that not only spans geography but time itself. I can, in mere moments, access the thoughts and wisdom of a man who lived 2,000 years ago and thousands of miles away. That's pretty weird and I doubt any other species can achieve the same thing.
Then there's some weird little evolutionary quirks like the fact that since we are upright and bipedal, our facial/sinus structure is perpetually plagued with infections. Since our sinuses are effectively "tilted" 90 degrees from how they evolved in the millions of years prior to our 'erection' (pardon!), they don't drain properly and we suffer the consequences!
I can't imagine these little quirks are relegated just to our physical anatomy, but to our neural makeup as well.
Fascinating studies on pair-bonding voles (http://www.nature.com/neuro/journal/v7/n10/full/nn1327.html) show that oxytocin and vasopressin receptors can differ hugely between slightly different species. Prairie voles appear to be fiercely pair-bonded for life (oh, how I wish I were a prairie vole!), whereas montane voles appear to be completely promiscuous (and oh, how I relate!).
With injections of oxytocin/vasopressin, it seems possible to make prairie voles act like montane voles and vice versa. This is complicated science, and barely touched, but something seems to be at work here.
I'm idly speculating here, but I wonder if we humans are as messy in our brains as we are in our sinuses? Our brains seem to be genetically predisposed toward one behavior or another (monogamy vs. polyandry). If you happen to be blessed with a ton of open oxytocin/vasopressin receptors (and there's a complicating gender component here!), then maybe you don't struggle with you marriage/pair-bond as much as those of us whose receptors are relatively "locked up." Indeed, the "locked up" metaphor seems appropriate, since the oxy/vaso hormones actually "unwrap" DNA strands in epigenetic action to allow gene expression/behavior modification.
The good news is that neurochemistry is apparently quite plastic. We can, to varying degrees, rewire our brains.
As I was wrestling with the torture of doing the "right thing" by rejecting the advances of an eager sexual partner, I felt two voices at work: 1) the deeper, truer voice (monogamous receptors) saying the "high" would be fleeting and destructive to long-term happiness, and 2) the closer, louder voice (promiscuous receptors) saying "I want this excitement/novelty so badly I can taste it! Go ahead!" The age-old metaphor of an angel and devil on each shoulder; only this time with an added neurochemical explanation!
No idea if this is at all true for any of you, but I think it's going to help me in my healing. And by "healing" I mean rewiring my brain so that I channel my energy into the monogamy pleasure centers instead of the promiscuous centers -- thinking/behaving in a new mode.
I tried the double-life thing for 10 years, busily looking like a monogamist but behaving like a polygamist. And to a degree it was a functional, happy life. But the persistent unhappiness, or at least sense of 'missing something' in my marriage makes me hopeful that by putting all my energy into monogamy, I may find a sense of deep, blissful joy that far outstrips the limited happiness I experienced before. I
t's scary stuff, I admit. Something akin to the alcoholic putting down his bottle, I'm worried I will be letting go of an exhilarating way of life. But hopefully, like an alcoholic, I'm just inexperienced with the larger, healthier, happier truth that emerges when I stop my destructive habit.
We cheaters seem to have an immense difficulty with monogamous pair-bonding. We have mixed internal motivations: a sincere desire to be "good" or "clean" but at the same time an insatiable appetite for additional sexual partners. Why is this?
From a strictly biological perspective (I leave spirituality out for now); we humans are pretty odd. Perhaps the most social species on earth, we exist within a "networked brain," relying on information/experience that not only spans geography but time itself. I can, in mere moments, access the thoughts and wisdom of a man who lived 2,000 years ago and thousands of miles away. That's pretty weird and I doubt any other species can achieve the same thing.
Then there's some weird little evolutionary quirks like the fact that since we are upright and bipedal, our facial/sinus structure is perpetually plagued with infections. Since our sinuses are effectively "tilted" 90 degrees from how they evolved in the millions of years prior to our 'erection' (pardon!), they don't drain properly and we suffer the consequences!
I can't imagine these little quirks are relegated just to our physical anatomy, but to our neural makeup as well.
Fascinating studies on pair-bonding voles (http://www.nature.com/neuro/journal/v7/n10/full/nn1327.html) show that oxytocin and vasopressin receptors can differ hugely between slightly different species. Prairie voles appear to be fiercely pair-bonded for life (oh, how I wish I were a prairie vole!), whereas montane voles appear to be completely promiscuous (and oh, how I relate!).
With injections of oxytocin/vasopressin, it seems possible to make prairie voles act like montane voles and vice versa. This is complicated science, and barely touched, but something seems to be at work here.
I'm idly speculating here, but I wonder if we humans are as messy in our brains as we are in our sinuses? Our brains seem to be genetically predisposed toward one behavior or another (monogamy vs. polyandry). If you happen to be blessed with a ton of open oxytocin/vasopressin receptors (and there's a complicating gender component here!), then maybe you don't struggle with you marriage/pair-bond as much as those of us whose receptors are relatively "locked up." Indeed, the "locked up" metaphor seems appropriate, since the oxy/vaso hormones actually "unwrap" DNA strands in epigenetic action to allow gene expression/behavior modification.
The good news is that neurochemistry is apparently quite plastic. We can, to varying degrees, rewire our brains.
As I was wrestling with the torture of doing the "right thing" by rejecting the advances of an eager sexual partner, I felt two voices at work: 1) the deeper, truer voice (monogamous receptors) saying the "high" would be fleeting and destructive to long-term happiness, and 2) the closer, louder voice (promiscuous receptors) saying "I want this excitement/novelty so badly I can taste it! Go ahead!" The age-old metaphor of an angel and devil on each shoulder; only this time with an added neurochemical explanation!
No idea if this is at all true for any of you, but I think it's going to help me in my healing. And by "healing" I mean rewiring my brain so that I channel my energy into the monogamy pleasure centers instead of the promiscuous centers -- thinking/behaving in a new mode.
I tried the double-life thing for 10 years, busily looking like a monogamist but behaving like a polygamist. And to a degree it was a functional, happy life. But the persistent unhappiness, or at least sense of 'missing something' in my marriage makes me hopeful that by putting all my energy into monogamy, I may find a sense of deep, blissful joy that far outstrips the limited happiness I experienced before. I
t's scary stuff, I admit. Something akin to the alcoholic putting down his bottle, I'm worried I will be letting go of an exhilarating way of life. But hopefully, like an alcoholic, I'm just inexperienced with the larger, healthier, happier truth that emerges when I stop my destructive habit.
Right now, in my life, I'm trying to introduce meditation because I want to better understand myself. Through this practice, I really want to "see" my thoughts and motivations and "feel" how they effect me, if that makes sense. So often, we do things but don't really stop to examine why we did them.
I'm also trying to truly learn where happiness comes from, and that is within. If we define our happiness in relation to outside things (drinking a beer, eating a good meal, having sex), then we're missing out on true happiness, because all of these outside things are fleeting and ultimately uncontrollable. True happiness is about being engaged with the world around us, open-minded and open-hearted, and compassionate to ourselves and others.
Both of these things above sound wonderful, but I'm finding it harder to practice. Our minds have been conditioned a certain way over time (largely by life events), and it's hard to condition them different (or "rewire" them, as you put it). But hard doesn't mean impossible. I just think it's a slow process that requires patience and daily focus. Expecting a quick rewiring is unrealistic, I'd say
Have you read "The Emotional Life of your Brain"? It talks a lot about the neural science of meditation and I found it intriguing.
I agree with the release of hormones, pheromones, neurotransmitters to initially attract/arouse our senses/mind.
However, I do not agree that we can't overcome that release or for a more basic statement, "its mind over matter". I think that rewiring is possible. Not easy, not a struggle, but possible. I do believe cheaters can be reformed. Damn, damn hard work....but not impossible.
I had mentioned this weekend that an old friend contacted me. I remember him, how he felt, how he thrilled me, his intelligence, his generosity, his touch, his mind...I am heightened. I am intrigued. I could easily fantasize about meeting him Thursday, lets say. But I won't. Because, simply, I made vows to my husband and he trusts me not to be meeting anyone in a very posh and sexy hotel room on Thursday with a very expensive bottle of wine and be whisked away, touched in such a way, taken if you will......STOP! See....mind over matter.....
I, too, lived the double life, you have no idea.......but in leading that life I was deceiving (and in fairness, that is what it was), someone who completely trusted me. Someone I committed to. Someone that I promised to be faithful to and who completely believes I am upholding my end of the bargain. And its ok if I don't want that anymore, people change, feelings change, divorce happens. I'm not necessarily pro marriage. And in fact, I don't think I'd marry again. If my H wanted an open marriage, after I had his head examined, I'd jump at it.
We also have a brain so evolved that it is able to decipher right and wrong, we teach our children....play nice in the sandbox, tell the truth, don't take things that don't belong to you......which, in actuality is why we are here....on DS.....I didn't need to be here when I was in the thick of my A. There was no check. There was no remorse.....but something happened.....we know this feeling/this way of life/this cheating.....just doesn't feel 'right'.
But for me, I wonder why I am so broken to continue to seek it, to continue to deceive......(up until 5-6 months ago). I don't believe its biological, maybe to an extent.....but it has to be more a moral or psychological factor OR why doesn't everyone do it?
For some of us feeling content is very difficult and almost unnatural. Everyone is different but for those of us with the "hunter/huntress" mentality I don't know that it can be turned off, maybe distracted or refocused onto something else. I hope.