Same here!

Youre attention is elsewhere, its on 'focusing on getting what you wanted from this person'. we cant always multitask.

sometimes its inexperience, not being capable of accepting the truth, we ignore it coz we also know in the back of our heads this person is the ONLY choice right now, we actually dont really care about it but we dont wanna make it seem like that, HUNGER - if you havent eaten for 2 days and you see a cracker - would you care if its on the ground covered in dirt? you know its dirty but fuck it right?

this is why it helps, to know of what we DO want, our real intentions and clarify it whenever we engage anyone - WHY we are even engaging them.

Care, as i reread your post about the email you got, it dawned on me. Funny thing my OM txted me twice this morning and my initial reaction was like, why cant he just let go and respect the fact that we are both M, i am now standing my ground saying its wrong, and he keeps coming back.

It's not flattering. It's intrusive. He's unhappy and is trying to weasel his way back into my life by playing on my sympathies. Most likely bc I've caved in the past. But i mean it this time. I. Am. Done.

Hugs to you that you're struggling with this right now :)

Wow flaming. That's 2 for 2 today! I appreciate and can relate to your response. It makes a lot of sense. Thanks :)

I would possibly respect OM more if he stayed away. Even though i miss the person i thought he was and how he made me feel, i know that will take time to get over. But he doesn't wanna lose that good feeling, and will keep reaching out trying more extreme tactics in the hopes i cave again. Well that dog is barkin up the wrong tree this time!!

That's why cocaine, as destructive as it can be, was never as dangerous to me as my AP. Cocaine nevervlaid itself out on the table and demanded to be used. Live addictions are so much more complicated.

And more deliberate.

theyre different because they fill in different needs, thus it depends on the person - on the balance of those needs being not met.

me having no need for an affair, cocaine would be stronger

Notmyself, I was the same way. I looked for every sign that we were different and that what we had was real. Admitting it wasn't would meant that I failed and I wasn't worthy of someone loving me. Just like you, I was made to feel less than adequate by my husband. The feeling I got from the OM was euphoric at the beginning, then as my feelings started to demand more, things became less than perfect, but I was always looking to get the initial feelings back. If I broke it off, I would have to acknowledge that I was nothing more than a fling to him. I used to think that since we lasted 9 years that what we had was something more. Now I realize that only proves how desperate for love I was. i put up with a lot of crap that should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't. I'm sure others saw, in fact I know they did.

I read people's stories here and I want to scream for them to get out before they are devastated. I see others just stepping onto the path, and I want to catch them and pull them back before it is too late. I have told what happened to me over and over, to anyone who wants to know, hoping some will listen and spare themselves. But, until they are able to see it for what it is and stop themselves, there is nothing more I can do. It is sometimes hard to watch. I am frankly surprised we haven't had a friend or two on here get caught since I found this site.

Thanks Red
I know you get me bc our situations are so similar -M and our A.

It just makes me stop and think WHY does he keep reaching out. Move on already! And WHY does my heart jump and i feel like replying. Some days i feel like just taking the leap, realizing I've done all i can to work on my M and perhaps H cant change behaviors that have been ingrained in him for over 40 yrs. maybe this is the end for us. Then i think would things work with OM? Hes always said hes co dependent and thats y he stays w his W. But, what would change if he and i were together?? I have issues. He has issues for over 40 yrs.

Maybe my H not the right one for me anymore. But i dont see how OM is right for me either.

I'd like to run away and be alone for a while without the pull of either of them. They both seem toxic to me right now.

Notmyself, this last post of yours is screaming at my right now. I could not relate more to the comment about your H maybe not being right but the OM isn't either. I keep reminding myself that these aren't the last two men on earth. Besides, why do I need to be so "boy crazy" anyway?!

I started the Deepak Chopra/Oprah 21 Day Challenge (it's free and starts today and you get a new 15-minute meditation link every day!) and I'm going to focus on making myself happy and improving my relationship with ME.

I put so much energy into "what does he think when he does/says this?" or "could we be together someday?" when I need to be focusing on "how can I lower my stress level?" "I'm getting older, I should really get in better shape to reduce my risk factors."

The biggest RED FLAG for me is not something he did or said. It's how much I have given up :(

I was told if I spot it, I got it. I know of was easy for me to tell my bestow to leave her cheating lousy husband. All the while I was living with a cheater. It is told that denial is a coushion until one can handle o
ne's truth.
It was so acknowledged because it was myself I was speaking to. I can not always see the forest until I remove the trees.

Fortunately for me, since I live along and rarely leave my home due to being fairly disabled due to my Secondary-Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, alone is easy and ever so peaceful! It would be a lie to say that I never hope to hear from My Eric, but am relieved when I don't! It has been since March 9.

Funny how that seems such a long time ago!

I have a new counselor. I have only seen her once so far. As I was telling her my story she asked me several times if this or that was a red flag to me at the time. As ridiculous as it seems now, I did not see those things as red flags at the time. I mean, I knew what I was doing was wrong at a certain point but the red flags weren't being seen in the early stages when they should have been.

I think H and I both have new red flag radar now and I think that is a good thing.

I do think that it's all "real," as are all our emotional experiences. Self-delusion may be involved, but our raw emotions are real. In fact, they are the only reality we really have.