Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Some of you probably know my story. For those who don't: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287).)
Anyways, AP was just in town for a few days for a work gathering. (She usually works remotely a few states away) I saw her for two days, and talked to her very little. She since left, and I'm ready to move on. In MC with W, and hoping to reconcile.
This evening, the AP sent me a long email. Basically, she said she was disappointed we didn't get to talk and get some closure on everything...she feels she is "owed" that. She said that me barely talking to her the past few days felt like a slap in the face to her. But other than that, she was quite apologetic, saying she was to blame for everything and hoped things were OK for me going forward. She acknowledged that in recent weeks, she had admitted everything to her H (I on the other hand never did that with my W...she simply discovered my misdeeds) and that her H was loving and supporting. She closed by saying that she hoped one day we could be friends, but sensed that might not be possible. She said she's "never felt worse in her life" for the problems this has caused.
I think I know the answer to this question, but I'll ask anyways: What would you do with this? I have not yet responded, and think showing it to my W before I do ANYTHING would be the best course of action. Agree? My W is out of town for her best friend's wedding tomorrow, so I don't really want to burden her with this until Monday, when we were gonna get together anyways. Or should I tell her right away?
Anyways, AP was just in town for a few days for a work gathering. (She usually works remotely a few states away) I saw her for two days, and talked to her very little. She since left, and I'm ready to move on. In MC with W, and hoping to reconcile.
This evening, the AP sent me a long email. Basically, she said she was disappointed we didn't get to talk and get some closure on everything...she feels she is "owed" that. She said that me barely talking to her the past few days felt like a slap in the face to her. But other than that, she was quite apologetic, saying she was to blame for everything and hoped things were OK for me going forward. She acknowledged that in recent weeks, she had admitted everything to her H (I on the other hand never did that with my W...she simply discovered my misdeeds) and that her H was loving and supporting. She closed by saying that she hoped one day we could be friends, but sensed that might not be possible. She said she's "never felt worse in her life" for the problems this has caused.
I think I know the answer to this question, but I'll ask anyways: What would you do with this? I have not yet responded, and think showing it to my W before I do ANYTHING would be the best course of action. Agree? My W is out of town for her best friend's wedding tomorrow, so I don't really want to burden her with this until Monday, when we were gonna get together anyways. Or should I tell her right away?
I think she hoped a simple note would get you going and it didn't work, so now the long email .
I think you should rest on this awhile. Really consider the motivation behind it and it sounds like you've been really open with your W so you should tell her about the email if you want to answer it . If you choose to ignore it... Maybe you don't have to worry your W.
Just my 2cents.
White cat
6 days 15 hrs NC
Not sure if I'm really NC or playing a mind game
If I were you, I would not even respond. There is no need to. The affair is over and you guys need to lead your separate lives. Closure is not necessary--you were both cheating and it had to end, it is as simple as that. Let your wife become part of the decision-making process. I would guess that she would not want for you to respond.
I heard recently that some people, especially if they have narcissistic tendencies, need what is called narcissistic supply. I will tell you this--that ANY response (even negative) provides such people with that supply. Narcissists like to play games--they throw you the ball (such as an e-mail), and wait for you to throw it back (response), then they throw you the ball again....and on and on...get my drift?
That might be something to think about.
I agree with Sarah and White Cat, but would add that this is not the time to consider OW's feelings. You might be a nice guy, but this is not about being nice. This is about only one thing and that is saving your marriage. So, you should not do anything unless it goes towards the goal of saving you marriage. I not it sounds cruel, but you do not owe OW anything. She knew that you were married when you first hooked up so that is on her. None of this is about her or her feelings (again, I know that this is cruel). I agree with Sarah, do not respond, but if you must, then all you need to say, "Sorry for what happened, but I have decided to work on my marriage" short and sweet and never ever respond to her again (BUT AGAIN, I AGREE WITH SARAH THAT YOU SHOULD JUST NOT RESPOND AT ALL). Nothing more than that. This business about being friends is bull sh*t. You cannot be friends and you should not even talk about that. I had almost the same situation with my OW, and we just ended up back in the full-blown affair. This is not the time to be sentimental -it is a time to be cold and focused on your main goal. OW is grown up and new you were married. She will just have to accept that on her own.
This is what it has come down to with my OM. He does respond every time I crack, with cold and heartless words (but does manage to throw in that he loves me). It fucking hurts and I would prefer no words at all. It would be easier to maintain NC if I felt like the well was completely dry. The ONLY way to give that impression is to say nothing.
Good luck!