For me it was the feeling I don't live up to my H's expectations. His whole family thinks they're better than everyone else. These AP's don't know our past screw ups & say all the right things. We feel perfect in their eyes. Here's a person who puts me on a pedestal & makes me feel perfect. Of course, now I know different. AP's are an escape from our real lives. It's a fantasy.

Clove kinda nailed it. The allure for those of us who cheat with strangers (as opposed to friends/people who know us) is that we can erase ourselves and be whoever we want to be.

Your H sounds like he just needs attention. You won't catch me ASKING my H to keep tabs on me! I really do think he's just emotionally needy and he's acting out with the cheating; an addiction of sorts.

I suggest marital counseling. You're already an awesome and admirable wife for trying to understand. That alone gives me faith in your marriage!

I'm just echoing here, but I also cheated because I felt like I do not live up to my husband's expectations. I still don't. The fact that you refer to your husband as your 5th child, and say you would have to add spying to your list of daily chores, those things really caught me. When my husband treats me that way, like I am a burden to him and he has to "take care" of me, I'm more triggered to look elsewhere. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to feel like his grown child, this thing he has to constantly take care of like a bad dog who is wetting the carpet or something. I don't know, for me, these are the reasons I began looking to someone who made me feel like I was worthwhile and wanted to just hang out with me and enjoyed being around me, not someone who felt burdened by me. Does that make sense? It does show hope that you are trying to understand and hold your marriage together, I hope you're able to find the cause of this and work through things together.

Oh My God....same here. Always felt and still feel at times that I can't be who or what he wants and he so treats me like a child. At times I like it, more now I can openly say "Stop acting like you are my father" Yeah, for some of us, we want that validation that we are something else or are seen as vibrant again. But I will say, I have run into my fair share of men who have stated 1) they have become like roommates with their wife (and they ALL say she doesn't put out) 2) they like variety 3) she'll never leave, she needs me too much -usually said about women who stay at home or have low paying jobs 4) they are lonely.

Yes he can be committed to you but dating others for excitement. The VAST majority of men wouldn't leave their wives.

With all that said, it should be mentioned that you said he was a serial cheater. Serial cheating and/or coupled with sexual addiction can be the most difficult of behaviours to treat. There is no way in hell you are going to calm all this without 1) His extreme devotion and commitment to stop all behaviours (and I'm not getting his sincere remorse from your post) and 2) counseling. I'm telling you.....if you don't work through it, you'll be putting up the same crap till he finally gets too old.

You actually asked him 'how do we stop this from happening again?" (mother scolding child) and he shrugged??? He shrugged? Honey, the minute you left the room he was back on a hidden app on his phone chatting it up with whoever was available to him.

You ultimately decide your destiny. How much are you willing to put up with? Many women choose to put their heads in the sand. Aren't you worth more than all this?

As for the children......you don't think they see this? Children learn what they live. They model after us. The vast majority of us on here also had cheating parents. We learned that its 'ok' to cheat. Children don't thrive in a dysfunctional family.

PS. And you've gotten STD testing also, correct?

What's wrong with you?? Your marriage is a game for your husband.

The way I see it is you either put up with his affairs, get tested for STDs regularly, and go on with your life. Or you take control of your life, stop using your children as an excuse, and dump this cheater.

It's your decision to make, He isn't going to change.

I wonder about a personality disorder (him) because he is deliberately trying to stoke your jealousy like this. I think you will have to put up boundaries and refuse to tolerate it, even if that means leaving him. It's not your job to track him. It's his job to be forthcoming.

My own affair did not have the same motivation.

I'm not a Cheater my wife is....so I'm Looking for someone that's Faithfull.

Understanding the why isn't easy... I did it because I hit a point where I felt like life was dull and not worth living. I found excitement in a friend and got wrapped up in the worst chain of events I could have ever imagined for myself and my husband. I love my husband dearly, but he is struggling so badly, I am not sure that we can make this work. I know he loves me with all his heart but I destroyed his world with my selfish, thoughtless acts. The difference here is that I am so remorseful, and I will never do it again. It sounds like your husband wants to continue living this way. This was not a wake up call for him, and he is seeing that he can get away with it. I am a believer in trying to make it work, but he needs a more serious wake up call. I am so, so sorry that this happened to you.

I also felt like a burden I was always being scolded and restricted. When I left the house I felt more free, and I did things that made me feel like a I was my own man again. Ultimately, I started cheating I have a deep appreciation for the sexual experience. Intimacy with a loving partner is amazing, but when it's convoluted with all the extra emotional shit, it turns the sex to shit. When I make dove to my partner, I can't forget how insecure and minuscule I was made to feel prior. Sex with an AP is unburdened by things like this. It's simple and utterly satisfying without any difficulty. I love my partner and we both feel we are good for each other. However, I'm not satisfied with our sexual relationship and the urge to quench my thirst is desperate. I'm 100% committed emotionally, but my high physical needs are not being met by a large margin. I've started going to SAA meetings so I can maintain control of my desires, because I want my relationship to work. But sometimes I think we may be incompatible. I know sex is only 1 factor in a relationship, but I didn't know how much it mattered to me until I was deprived of it. This is my first LTR. I've learned so much about myself and what it is like to be in a LTR. Had I known what I do now, I would have done things differently so that I wouldn't feel trapped at this point.

Sorry I forgot the advice part. I can understand haw he's not sorry he cheated. However it sounds like he doesn't care that he is hurting you. That should be enough reason to leave. If he is an addict like me, move forward with him to manage the problem. If he is truley happy being with you and it's a physical thing, are you ok with a physically open relationship even though that's not what either of you agreed on in the beginning? People change, are you willing to roll with it? I hope this helps you. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck.

klm747: beware the 13th step in 12 step programs, especially SAA and especially when meetings are not moderated by a professional vs a peer. My husband was thrilled to get his 1 year chip while banging away with a member of his "recovery" group.

Thanks for the heads up BTD. I'm only on step 1 & I have a long way to go. It's a daily struggle for me. My first instinct is to look at someone sexually no matter the circumstance. That includes the members of my group. At least I am aware and I keep my distance. I haven't hit bottom yet and I started attending to prevent reaching that point. Only time will tell, but I am determined.

Best of luck to you klm747. I never knew about the 13th step until way too late. If you are determined I know you have the ability to succeed. Just know that this 13th step is really a "thing" and you can choose to steer clear of it.