There were posters on here that have written books and are quite knowledgeable about surviving an affair.
Gabrielle48 is the wife, who had an A. Cole is her H (I can't remember his exact ID). You can probably go on my friends list and private message Gabrielle. They are very genuine and very real people and have done extensive work on rebuilding after an A, including have a website and books. I'm not sure how much they come here anymore. You can probably also do a search on this forum for their postings. They are geared to helping.

According to the BS's that post here, I don't think enough time has lapsed for your H to get over this...BUT....I think there may be tools you both can use to assist in moving forward, which Gabrielle and Cole can direct you towards. I read the other day something to the effect that: "Where you think the "A" is over in your head, its just coming alive in someone elses (your H)" And that has become his reality, his focus.

I hope your H has stopped harming himself and I hope he has stopped contacting the W. It seems as if she isn't the most mentally stable one either by badmouthing you to your H. There comes a time where you have to stop blaming, move forward, and work on what you have in front of you. It sounds like both the W and your H are keeping it alive and its impeding moving in another direction. Maybe she (and he) don't want to...or are unable to for one reason or another...work on the issues at hand so they continually blame shift and he resorted to harming himself for your attention. She doesn't seem like the most balanced person either. And no matter what she says, her insecurities are pushing through because she sounds like by badmouthing you she is attempting in her own way to make sure you never come back. She doesnt' even believe the lies she is telling about you.

Which brings me to my next thought......I am a firm believer in addressing conflict head on. Too many of us are afraid of conflict, confrontation, difficult conversations. Its part of what is wrong in this world (and I was just as guilty....). Active communication can solve everything. Once you posted if you should talk to your AP's wife. You overwhelming heard "NO" from all of us, including me. BUT this situation is different. She knows who you are, she knows the situation, but she has taken upon herself to develop a (unhealthy) relationship with your H, who already has his own demons and is impeding his healing and your healing. If anything, she is keeping this alive. There is a piece of what she is doing is harassment and slander. If its really, really bad and you really really believe they are in contact in one way or another, I actually may have a conversation with her.....and to really throw it off guard and come across as the bigger person, I may ask to have that conversation in person...In face to face conversations you can read body language, have the visual connection, and people are way more likely to back off and come to a mutual understanding... I may something to the effect of "I don't care what you've heard, I don't care what you believe, but right now you are influencing my H and my M in a very unhealthy way. Work on what you have at home, but let me and my H deal with our M alone and if you continue to harass me/us, we will need to escalate this (get a restraining order or something)."

Sounds like you really got involved with two (your AP and his W) people with a wealth of issues.

I know that MC or IC is out of the question, but I think rebuilding ESPECIALLY with where your H's psyche will be a challenge without professional help.

Try contacting Gabrielle48 and I believe Cole has a website on healing after an affair you may want to send him a message on. I know its somewhere in this forum.

His name (Cole's) is Cole50 on here and his website is: http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com

I'm also wondering if you can have a head on conversation with your H, out of the house, away from the kids, and tell him all you said on here.....that you want to move forward, you chose him, you chose to stay in your M, and since MC or IC is out of the question, lets look together at what resources are available to both of you and also tell him that chatting it up with the AP's W and with the AP (he's talking to him TOO???) is impeding the two of you building your connection again and working on this because more than ever when working on a M, there isn't room for 3 or 4, in your case. It has to be the two of you against the adversaries.

Thanks Shore.. this is very helpful advice... No, my H is not in contact with my AP.. Last night i spoke with him i thought i'd share with him why i've been distancing myself a little, the fact that i felt angry and why i felt angry...

his response after all of that was- "After 5 years with another man, you're angry at me?" and scoffed to himself. And that was the end of the conversation. I rolled over and cried myself to sleep. Much later after my H smoked a hundred cigarettes outside (and me struggling to breathe - not good for my pregnancy) he snuggled next to me- but i couldn't soften. i just lay there stiff. the situation is so volatile i don't know what to expect daily i've developed really bad anxiety- i'm scared of my H emotionally...he would never physically harm me but emotionally i am petrified and always have been..why, i am not sure.