Do not speak of the 'A', unless your family's discovery of it is inevitable and imminent. It trips primal wires and will prohibit a constructive progress toward both of you accepting the truth. The 'A' was your reaction, not hers. It belongs with you, and since you need support from others, you must turn to people outside the situation - not friends of your wife's - and confide in them.

Your behavior and feelings have hurt you, and it will only worsen if you make her endure pain that will be an order of magnitude worse than what you have experienced. It will maximize your estrangement and hurt you all in both the short-term and the long-term.

I'm not going to give you advice in regards to should you or shouldn't you, but I do want to speak up in reference to your question about lying. It is my feeling that there is not a difference in a lie and a lie by obmission.

I'm being vocal about this issue because it's not something that you apply just to a cheating senario. It's across the board. This topic has come up with my 16 year old daughter. Obviously she learning all sorts of things and this is one that has come up recently. I want her to understand honesty; what it encompasses. We don't come programed to automatically know and understand such things. They're are acquired. We must be taught. As a parent, I want her to be honest with her father and I, which means I have had to have this very same discussion with her -- it is the same and she should feel the same way about it and respresent herself accordingly when she is at that crossroad.

So...I think the choice of "to tell" or "not to tell" is very personal.
I agree with jtk.
I also think before anyone decides to tell their needs to be a lot of thought behind it and a lot of support for the BS as their world will be turned upside down.
I think you need to think of your motive to telling, is it to make "you" feel better? (Because it won't make them feel better) Are you sorry? Would it happen again? What do you hope to gain from telling? Be prepared to answer every single question. Also be prepared to tell them what you are doing about it now that its over.
I've thought about this a lot. I've also discussed it with my therapist.
As for telling your children......I don't know how old they are, but in my opinion, no, for a variety of reasons. This is about you, your spouse, your marriage..not about them.

Am I the only dummy who told on myself in this group? I feel so stupid now. Why didn't anyone stop me from telling. Gosh I feel like a fool.

You are not a fool! Everyone is different. Like shore said, it is a personal decision that each person has to make. Everyones situation is unique to them.

Confessing allows one time to think and reflect. Often it forces one to think. Socrates proclaimed that an unexamined life isn't worth living. A poweful statement.

As individuals it's good for our overall well being to examine our lives and acknowledge our shortcomings--this can make a big difference in the paths we choice as we move forward. A better self is better not only personally, but to those around us. Life can take on a whole new meaning when we truly ponder the meaning of our own life.

I think admission takes a lot of guts. It's not foolish. Not to me.

Telling is a matter of understanding your motivation to tell.
Recognize that by telling you will feel better, your load will be lighter, but your spouse will feel worse and her load heavier.
Be prepared for a roller coaster unlike any you've been on before.
Be prepared with a support system for both of you.
No, you should not tell your children. They can know you and your wife are working on some things. This is between you and her.

I am a bs. We know in our gut when we've been betrayed. I lived a half live with half love during those years. I shut down just enough to keep 1 foot out the door.

The best thing my marriage went through was the truth. It took many years to get the truth but I've been able to give more of myself than before.

The path from disclose to successful rebuild is long and painful but for me, worth it.

You say knew all along. What were the circumstances of d-day? At this point I don't see myself revealing everything, but I don't discount the possiblity the W will be blunt and just ask. At that point, I just don't know what I'll do.

I have been tossing this question around in my head, lately, too. One day, want to be totally honest; not only because my H may want me to, but for myself as well....

"Recognize that by telling you will feel better, your load will be lighter, but your spouse will feel worse and her load heavier."

Only people who never told would believe this. You do not feel better or lighter, and I think a lot of cheaters know that beforehand which is why they decide not to tell in the first place. I dislike when people act like telling is such a careless and selfish act. "Save your poor spouse the pain". Some people do not want to be handled with kid gloves. Some people do not want to live in the dark no matter how much the pain of knowing hurts. I really questioned would my ex want to know, and he did, thankfully.

I talked to him last night, and I got a lot of reassurance to where I do not regret telling as much as I did before. He revealed that he initially wanted to work it out 2 weeks after I confessed but realized some things must change and it's a spiritual battle for him now. I'm okay if in the end we go our separate ways forever. He never will fall out of love with me, and I think the main reason is because I had the decency to confess. He said he will always love, respect, and cherish me for that. But we weren't married. I have no idea how this situation would have played out if we were married. I guess I'm fortunate that this ugly character flaw revealed itself early.

Spokane,

I have to come back and apologize. Another DS'er made me realize I make assumptions and over analyze posts. I can see where you're coming from. I can see both sides, actually. I just read another thread before coming on this site and something struck a chord with me, and I released it here. I do believe it is a personal decision to tell or not, and we all feel bad enough to where we would hate others to take on our pain. It is a tough decision, and good luck to those who are still facing it right now.

WM

What were my circumstances? Very very complicated. I have an early journal that is open to read from a few years ago. It tells my story.

All I can speak for is bs who suspected because cs changes and clues were there. I did ask flat out many times and got some pretty convincing denials. All of that changed me. I withdrew emotionally from the marriage. I stopped putting my all in. Whenever things were crappy I fantasized about when I would have the strength and ability to leave. When things were good they were just ok.

It took years of this before I finally found my moment and left. Well had him leave and asked fora separation. It was that "well there's nothing left to lose" mentality that gave him the strength to fess up.

Years of my life as wife were wasted on lies and deceipt. I felt like he took that from me. We could have turned that corner ands made the choice to rebuild years earlier. Having the truth set us both free to be real with eachother. I saw my husband again for who I married not the angry stressed out shell he had become because of the lies he was living with.

Living a lie even after (especially after) the A ended was torture for him. He was guilt driven and had so much self hatred there was no room left for him to be real. He avoided being home and doing much with us because he felt guilt and stress constantly. That's how it went for us. Not every bs will forgive and want to work on it but I do personally feel they have the right to know who they are married to ands have the right to decide if they want to stay or leave based on the truth.

That's just my 2 cents actually more life 25 cents but there you have it.

I'm probably not going to say anything, though I'm still up in the air on what I'll say if confronted.

In any case, the replies got me thinking whether the nature and length of the relationship is important.

In my case, I've been married for almost 30 years, work together in our own business. Like many married couples, we have a long and complex history, and overall not a bad one. From my perspective, the decision to tell/not tell is different for me than for someone not married or only newly married. Those are perhaps relationships that you can extricate yourself from without too much anguish.

Another factor in the potential "emotional blackmail" category is that my W's parents got divorced after 30 years; w was a late child and was only 10 when it happened. It is a point of pride that she and I have remained married, unlike all of her siblings and one of mine. I know it's truly nuts, but one of the reasons I think about telling is so I can share with her how happy I am. That's insane, I know. But it's one of those things that runs through my head these days.

I agree with weakminded...many of my friends said telling was selfish, but I did it because I truly do not believe in secrets in a relationship, and my SO had the right to know before we continued our relationship. He was willing to forgive me, but my offense was a bit more minor than most on here, still wrong nonetheless. He was very happy I told him and believed I was a good person for being honest and open with him, as hard as it was to bring up. You need to look at your morals and what you believe is right in your heart. I was prepared for my SO to end it, I mentally prepared myself for that possibility...and it would have been awful, but I knew I needed to be honest despite that possibility. But that is me...your situation is entirely different, and you have a lot more to lose. But I still think it comes down to your morals, and beliefs, and what you feel you can/cannot live with.