There is no easy way out. None.

I hope your H can find a way to be more supportive.. of himself, you and your family. What he's doing isn't productive in any way.

Good luck and hang in there.

Wow.
It sounds like your mind is going everywhere. It might help to compartmentalize.

The first thing is this baby: You are due to give birth in a month. Take care of yourself. Take time to remove yourself from this situation. Meditate, have a cup of tea, go sit outside or take a walk to a park and get in tune to the wonderful miracle that you are going to give birth soon.

Second, your H sounds like he needs to talk to someone. He has a lot to process and his head is spinning also. Personally, I couldn't sort out all going on without help. Can you hook yourselves up with an IC? A clergyperson? Many cities have free services, where there is usually a waiting list, the first step is to get yourself on a list. It would be worse for your H to not be with his kids...but what about your kids that have a dad that cuts himself? That is scary stuff. And your kids, while they may be in bed, are witnessing all this.

Thirdly, how do you know what your xAP told his wife? To know that there must have been contact. That needs to stop. Either by your H or by you. As long as he is in your life either directly or indirectly you really can't move on. But think about this: OF COURSE, he is going to tell his wife that...what else do you think he'd say? Girlfriend, he wants to escape scot-free so he doesn't lose what he has and move on to the next victim. And, in fairness, she probably believes him, or says she does, because sometimes its easier to put your head in the sand and pretend everything is all wine and roses than to face the truth and possibly lose all you have become accustomed to. He is her problem and how she deals with it is her problem. And you know what, whoever put the A in her mind.....she's always going to wonder....and you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

But....that needs to put away and let go. You have way more pressing issues what is going on inside your own doors and family and the impending birth of your child. Make the baby your focus your right now. Take a step back, breathe, know you know the truth, know your intentions to come clean were sincere even though you may regret them. You are a good person. You can overcome this.

You are doing the right thing by coming here, getting support, journaling....make some friends...keep moving forward. Hang in there.

You need to contact the authorities if he behaves that way again, for you and your children's sake.

Yes, to what CaliRN said. That kind of behavior is unsafe, and you owe all involved a call to authorities if that happens again.

I also agree with Shoretime...counseling would be a very good idea at this point. He needs to work through some issues, as cutting yourself is pretty serious. And you need to work through some guilt/shame as well.

Lastly, is there any way you could live somewhere else just for a short time? Perhaps your H needs some time/space to cool down, and seeing you could be triggering him right now. Is there a friend or family member you could stay with for a brief time?

Thank you so much for all the encouraging words- it really helped me today. I've had to force the compartmentalising especially today for my kids' sake- it's easier in the day when H is not around. But when he comes home it's like i go into a deep dark place, i am so terrified I don't know what mood his going to be in- i prefer when he's docile and we don't speak then it's guaranteed a more peaceful night. but the nights like last night scare me so much. I told him i don't feel safe and would like to stay with my parents but he won't allow me to take the kids even though it's like 5 mins away. But i need the help especially with the impending birth- i have to do everything in the household.

I'm in no way in contact with my AP i got this info from my H who's been talking to my AP's wife. I wish he would stop so that we could move on. He will never do IC or MC ever... he's made that clear even before the A..

he's phone is off and i'm really worried. I don't if i should contact the authorities or wait till this evening when he should be home. His work entails being in the hospital theatre rooms whole day so can't really contact him then. and his hours are erratic. so much happening, trying to keep it together for this family.

just hope his okay.....

What Shore said..

Your H needs counseling

You need to not know anything about what your exOM is telling his W

Our thoughts of encouragement! It's emotionally devastating all around, take a breather