This is my story:

I decided that I wanted out of my marriage. I was just scared that I wouldn't be desirable to any other woman. So, I went on dating apps as a way to see if I would actually be of interest to any of the women that interested me, not to instigate a full physical affair. If I found something that I wanted to really pursue, I would take that as a sign and leave the marriage. 

I found someone that excited me. She was, I thought, WAY out of my league, but it turned out I was just her type. She wasn't someone I would leave my marriage for, because she wasn't relationship material, but she gave me enough confidence to feel like I could leave my marriage without a lifeline to something new. I would be alone, but I was worth it to the women I wanted to be with.

Kissing happened, and sex happened. All with the certainty that I was on the way out. I hadn't separated from my wife or asked for a divorce, but I had no intention whatsoever of living a double life. 

What I did not expect was the desperation and determination to keep me that my wife showed. She turned everything around and seemingly became a different person overnight. The other woman implored me to stay with my wife for her sake (she had been left by her fiance a week before their wedding). She told me my wife would feel the same way that she did and she didn't wish that on my wife or anyone.

So, my wife and I are in counseling. The other woman has completely cut me off and clearly had no emotional attachment to me.

I was in the hospital for a week for being suicidal. I'm still not out of the woods, in that respect. 

I just can't stop missing the other woman. Not in a physical way. I just miss talking to her. I'm desperate to talk to her.

I WILL put in the work with my wife. I know its hard. I know it will take a while. I know some times will feel like I'm trying to climb a hill of sand and all I seem to do is slowwly slide back down the hill. 

But, holy shit, do I miss her voice. It crushes me every day.

I'm not allowed to talk to any women (for obvious reasons), but they are the only ones I'm good at making friendships with. Trying to make guy friends just feels wrong to me and I don't know why. My wife would say it's because I just want to cheat and pump my ego, but it just isn't that.

I don't know, maybe I'm just a hopeless case.