Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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prettyanddumb12 07/18/2017

I'm currently reading "Sex At Dawn".

It's a little out there and pretty technical with the writing style. It's also a completely fascinating scientific exploration into human nature, ownership vs. village mentality and the origins of monogamy and why we stray.

They admit that they aren't advocating for any particular lifestyle and just pointing out that prehistoric and current tribal societies weren't/aren't monogamous by nature and our social structure might have a lot to do with land ownership and religion. The book also touches on jealousy and possession and how they drive the current marital construct and are also linked back to fear of loss of basic resources.

These ideas aren't news to me nor am I utilizing them as an excuse to cheat.

It's also sometimes refreshing to realize we might not be monsters.

I do believe there are monogamous folks among us here at CA that got swept away and wrapped up in a one-off affair. I also believe some of us lean towards the other side of the line. I don't think any is more "right" than the other from a basic human standpoint, though monogamy makes way more sense in our society.

gravinggirl 07/19/2017

I happened to read Sex at Dawn when I was having an affair. I appreciate that humans are not necessarily monogamous as a species, although it doesn't justify pretending to be monogamous to a partner while actually cheating (not that the book advocates cheating). Our society is unrealistic about sexuality. Practicing polyamory is still a fringe thing, and it is hard for people to admit to themselves that they might be suited for an open relationship when they are at an age for partnering and possibly marriage. We are trained to only accept monogamy. Most people would not partner with someone who admitted to being polyamorous.

For me as a codependent, multiple partners would be a nightmare. I would be sucked dry trying to accommodate them. For someone with a strong sense of self and good boundaries, it could work.

prettyanddumb12 07/19/2017

^ yes, I think I feel the same way, Graving. I'm pretty certain that if polyamory were even remotely accepted in society (see comment above yours, lol) then more people would open themselves up to the idea.

The reality is that SO many people stray from monogamy and it creates stress, lies and in many cases, eventual fallout. But knowing that potential outcome sure doesn't stop people from doing it. The book mentioned that in other cultures the outcome is certain death, yet people still do it. Maybe it's a "sick brain", but I'm not buying that.

I just don't believe there's a one size fits all approach to relationships; and I definitely don't believe it's monogamy. If it were, so many wouldn't have an issue adhering to it.

But yes, cheating is an asshole move - no matter what. Honesty and openness will always win in my book. I just wish that society (and BSs) didn't force the CS to beat themselves up so much.

gravinggirl 07/19/2017

I always feel like Esther Perel describes infidelity closest to my experience of it.

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/489749/

whatamithinking 07/20/2017

^^Esther Perel is genius.

prettyanddumb12 07/21/2017

Love her too.

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