About a month ago I decided to go ahead and purchase this book based on the recommendation by Gabrielle. Trying to heal emotionally, I was desperate, caved in, and bought the book. The extended title is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass. Let's get to it...

First let me say that I have only read Part I and Part II so far. So this book review will come in parts. Secondly, I was not married to my partner, but I cheated and broke up a nearly 8-year relationship for temporary pleasure. So I knew the book wouldn't be exactly relative to my situation.

Okay, so the first part does a good job of taking the betrayer back to how a seemingly innocent friendship developed into a full blown affair. The book gets confusing with the author's synonymous use of the terms "the unfaithful spouse" and "the involved spouse". The unfaithful may not still be continuing the affair; so I felt like the author should have distinguished between the unfaithful spouse who is no longer involved in an affair and the unfaithful who is still involved in an affair. So this book seems to be for those who are still unfaithful or having trouble pulling away from an affair.

Then there were broad assumptions that most unfaithful partners fell in love with the affair partner. I also found bias when the author used the terms "the betrayed spouse" and "the injured spouse" synonymously. I find that unfair as infidelity injures all involved, just in different ways. And that brings me to my ultimate criticism of this book so far - the simplistic view of infidelity.

The criticism may come as a shock seeing that the author does acknowledge that infidelity is a complex matter. I like that Dr. Glass points out that good people in good marriages are having affairs. But it is quite obvious that she has adopted the majority's view when it comes to the CS and the BS. The BS is supposedly the only one experiencing trauma, and the CS is too busy mourning the affair partner. Let me tell you, as the person who has cheated, I am absolutely going through a lot of trauma and pain from what I did. I never loved my AP. Never did I mourn him. I rarely think about him, and when I do, it's either lust or disgust (aye that rhymes).

The book also made it like the BS is the one struggling to keep the marriage, while the CS is conflicted about staying with the BS or the AP. Most times, the BS wants to move on, and it is the CS desperate to save the marriage. Rarely are the betrayed desperately trying to take back a cheater.

When I got to the part on the Pathways to Discovery, that too was simplistic. She adopted the worldview again that those who confess on their own do so to alleviate guilt. I think because cheaters rarely confess, she lacked great insight regarding this pathway to discovery. Lastly, the author sprinkles statistics on infidelity throughout the chapter that rarely relate to the theme of the passage.

All in all, like most books, there is not much empathy on the side of the cheater. It is always about how to help the BS heal. For example, there is a chapter on how how to cope with obsessing and flashbacks. But the author only focuses on the BS. As the cheater, I would have liked help on how to cope with obsessing, too. I am horrified by what I did. There is not a second of the day that I do not think about it. So...I don't really know how I can help someone heal when I am still broken and torn up myself. That's like expecting the blind to lead the blind.

I think Part III and Part IV may be a lot better because it is more about reestablishing meaning in your life and relationship. I would not recommend this book to (1) those who have cheated and have been kicked to the curb or (2) those who were never married to begin with.

Thanks for reading!