Mike, you are going through so much right now, not surprising that you are feeling down.The people you mentioned are your friends for a reason--they are hanging around with you because you are of value to them. Please don't sell yourself short by comparing yourself to anyone else. All of us can find people who seem smarter, richer, more "together", etc. than the way we view ourselves, but it does absolutely no good to compare yourself to them. We are all unique. That uniqueness is to be cherished and embraced.

You are good enough to be with those friends--just because you made a mistake in your marriage, that does not devalue you. On the contrary, because you are trying so hard to do the right thing makes you more than worthy of such friends.

Just my two cents (again).

I have felt the exact same thing. We were one of three couples who always socialized together. Our children have grown up with one another. Both of these couples know what has happened and all of the back story of our marriage. Fortunately, both couples have accepted me and have forgiven my lies. I try not to think that I am unworthy of their company and their acceptance but the those intrusive thoughts still enter my mind from time to time. The good news is that I know they are only that: intrusive thoughts. The best way to deal with those thoughts is to combat them with positive affirmations. If your friends really thought you unworthy, they would not spend time with you. Focus on the positives and your blessings. Doing that will help you to move past the shame that you still harbor inside.

Thanks, Sarah and Teacher. I've started going to a Zen center, and am working on incorporating meditation and Buddhist thought into my life. It's helping some (basically, realizing that we all suffer and cause suffering, but are capable of stilling our minds and finding contentment within), but at this point, a lot of it is just superficial. It floats on the surface of my brain and body, but it hasn't truly sunk in to my core. I suppose, like with anything, time is needed.

Exercise is also another stress reducer. Just walking fast for 30 minutes can dramatically increase your mood. More neurotransmitters--but endorphins from exercise instead of the dopamine!

Question for those of you whose friends know of your affairs...

Why did you tell them about it?

Isn't it rather personal?

Did it serve a purpose??

I know the feeling MikeMNN - while my friends and family don't know the guilt is so over powering that even when we spend time together i feel like a bad person and not deserving of their company. My H doesn't want anyone to know he says it's between him and me only... So i can't speak to anyone. You're so lucky that your friends have supported you ... Cherish that...

MikeMNN how are things on the homefront? Im still just getting by day to day - my H is depressed and i dont know how to support him. Yesterday he told me his colleague is having an A and that he doesnt know that he knows- i felt awful and guilty all over again i said nothing- what can i say? I keep thinking what his colleagues, my friends and family would think of me. I feel like im living a lie because they dont know what kind of person i am- a lying cheat. Even with my kids who are still little i feel like a bad mother.

Empty...

Re: your last paragraph regarding other people cheating...and how to comment. Anything we say, will go against our actions (the affair). We know what is right and wrong but somehow....it doesn't apply to us...
We can't condone the act of infidelity but when we comment about someone else's unfaithfulness it makes us seem hypocritical/two faced!

Even though I committed this terrible act - I still knew it was wrong. Maybe by providing advice to those who might be seeking to do the same or those who are trying to recover and prevent it from ever happening again - it will make us stronger and more resistant.
But....giving advice to others - might help to reinforce the negative impact this has had....it might help to ingrain or burn, it like a branding iron on our hearts...and prevent it from happening again.


Here are my thoughts on the healing process -

Recognizing the emotions (guilt, etc) and owning your actions - is a good start, Feeling the remorse and giving thought to the negative impact on the relationship with your husband/wife.

Take time to reflect on how this impacted your spouse and how much this hurt him/her and how you would feel if the tables were turned.

Understanding 'why' you cheated. If it's b/c something was missing in your relationship - discuss it and fix it

Cut the ties with the person the affair took place with.

"Open book" policy - nothing to hide in emails/facebook/texts, etc...

Honest, open communication...connecting daily with your H/W.

Dealing with issues/concerns immediately

Reassure your partner of your whereabouts, calling and checking in, if required



Just a few thoughts from my perspective (as the one who did the cheating).

Would be interesting to hear from the other side - what would help to repair the damage.

I hope that in time, you won't think so little of yourself. You (we) made a bad decision - but I don't think that makes us bad people!!! We CAN turn our lives around by learning from this.
Just focus on being a good role model to your children - be the kind of person that you want them to be....be someone that they can look up to.
As for your husband...are you both seeing a therapist....together?

I wish you the best!