Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi, I'm completely new to the site and definitely not familiar with all the lingo!
I'm not married, in a five year relationship with my boyfriend, and a 14 month affair with a guy I work with. I am trying to end the affair so that I can focus on figuring out my relationship but finding it super hard.
Affair started during a prolonged period of extreme stress at work, and (as I've read here) at least initially it was about escape, shrugging off responsibilities etc but is now a genuine source of emotional support, that I don't get elsewhere.
I told boyfriend two years ago that I was struggling with work, a year ago that I was struggling with our relationship, and six months ago that I had cheated on him (he didn't want to know the details). I am still struggling with all of that and just feel hopelessly stuck. Boyfriend and I are not connecting at all, I've ended the affair before and tried to make things work with boyfriend (he says that he doesn't think we've got a problem but will do whatever I want to make things work!). Outwardly we have a perfect life, good jobs, beautiful home, cats (no kids), we get on at a superficial level but anything deeper than what's for dinner, shall we see that movie and I feel like we're speaking different languages, in the dark so you can't even read the gestures.
I ended the affair again on Friday, we've been in touch every day since, mostly because work has gotten so bad that I'm having to see a doctor about anxiety.
I had therapy, I understand why I cheated, I understand what it is about me and my childhood and the things that were missing that made me seek that intimate connection. I've talked through at length with my affair but boyfriend doesn't want to discuss, just wants to pretend everything is OK. I don't know what to do.
Any advice for a newbie?
It's hard to give up that emotional support that you clearly need and lack in life outside the affair. What are your reasons for leaving the affair?
It sounds like you are not that happy in your relationship with your boyfriend but you still stay. Why? Im not encouraging you to leave but remember, the stakes are a lot higher when you're married with kids, so if you think you might be unhappy you ought to think very carefully about the reasons why.
Or maybe it is the right relationship and you have your own issues you need to work out before you can be the best partner you can be in this relationship.
However, from what you describe it sounds like yiu are not getting your needs met from the relationship.
I don't really have any advice. The answers are in you, somewhere. You just have to dig them out by asking yourself the right questions and being clear on what you want and need.
I will give you some advice though: try to find another job. If you're not happy at work you're in the wrong place.
Help me understand, why do want to choose your boyfriend? Sounds like you have more of a connection with the other guy. If your boyfriend is like this now.....wait till you've been married 20 years.
Boyfriend and I were briefly engaged (for six months before the affair started). He'd still like to get married and is desperate to have kids (I'm 36 and he's 39). He's a good guy, we have a lot of fun together, just when things get difficult we don't know how to support eachother and we don't talk - which suits him but not me.
We've got a mortgage - it's not as easy as packing a bag and walking out the door - and I wouldn't feel like I'd given us a proper chance to sort things out if I did that.
You're right about the job passenger, I am actively looking for something else.
I'm hearing HE wants to have kids, I'm hearing your ages cited, I'm hearing 'he's a good guy', I'm hearing we don't know how to support each other or talk.
I'm not hearing 'I love him', 'I made a huge mistake', 'I don't want to lose him', 'I want to be with him for the rest of my life', 'I want to have a family life with him'
Again, once marriage and children and decades are involved it complicates things way more than they are now. And, yes, it's hard to fathom now, but in 18 years when the kids have left for college : Is it him you want to sit across the dinner table with?
My husband was similar: he never thought anything was wrong, our connection on an intimate level was almost non existent, and we just didn't 'talk'---- so I attempted to find that intimacy elsewhere.
It took ALOT of therapy and work on both of our parts and a huge commitment from BOTH us us and although it's better, we still aren't there. And it's been years. If I was younger at the time, your age, I would have left the marriage.
I'm just saying you have to feel it and want it and believe in it.
And passenger is right, the only true way to focus 100% on your relationship and to end your affair is to go complete NC, even if it means leaving your job, cause as long as he is in your life the temptation will keep reoccurring.
Complete NC is difficult at the mo because of work, although we work in different locations so it's not a daily thing, but I'm usually in his part of the world, usually overnight and usually alone (like tonight) once a week, I'm trying to drop it down to once a fortnight and the once a month to limit temptation whilst I look for another job....
Thanks again.
Let me tell you, not much has changed. I've had 3 affairs (none with the guy I cheated with before we were married) and we're still sweeping them right under that rug.
Feeling emotionally isolated in a marriage sucks. Just my .02. You might want to get your BF to open up with those feelings sooner rather than later.. If I could go back I wouldn't marry someone who swallows everything and contributes to my feelings of emotional dispair by doing so.
We also have a pleasant life, on the surface.
I haven't mentioned NC to A, it was both EA and PA and we're still in touch everyday (although we have reduced contact). I thought a couple of weeks reduced would ease us both in to it - we've tried complete NC before but going from full on daily (hourly?) contact to nothing was too much. I know that sounds like I am hanging on to him (maybe I am) but reduced is working OK right now. Thanks again, I am so
relieved to have found this group.