Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So here goes . . . I am a 45 year old male, professional, married 15 years, with two children, girls 12 and 4. Wife and I have had no other marriages and our relationship was the first or close to the first serious relationship for both of us. Wife from other culture and lower social-economic status. She grew up in abusive house hold with many siblings. Father very abusive -both her parents deceased. I grew up in multi-cultural affluent home and my parents had ugly divorce based in part on my mother's infidelity and my father's inability to handle it.
I swore I would never get divorced and never thought that I would cheat. I was insecure and not that popular with the girls growing up. Shortly after my oldest daughter was born, wife became distant from me and more consumed with our child. She began to have fights with me and my family and lash out at me because we did not live in the same city as her family. She could become abusive towards me. Around the time that our oldest was two, we had big conflict regarding living near my family and far from hers. We had a big fight one day, that she initiated out of nowhere and the next day she ran off with our daughter to be with her family. I chase after her and begged her to come home which she did after a month. A similar thing happened again two years later where she ran off with our daughter and I again chased after her. We went to counseling and things got better, got worse, and got better and got worse (roller coaster). We had another child four years ago and things had been better, but I guess that never forgave her for running off like she did and for generally putting me down because we could not afford to move to where her family lives (they live a three hour plane ride away). So, over two years ago I found myself stating to fool around with a female colleague from work who is also married.(we had been professional friends for a while that would talk on the phone or get from time to time) I tried to pull away as soon as it began but although this person is seven years younger than me, she is way more advanced in the ways of cheating. She quickly told me stories about other affairs that she had had. (from all the pieces that I have gotten from her, she seems to have issues with self-esteem and relationships stemming from sexual abuse when she was young). Each time I have tried to pull away she has pushed very hard and tugged at my emotions such that I don't leave (she has played the victim and the aggressor). I have let my emotions keep me tied to her and it has gotten more and more unhealthy as time has done by.
I swore I would never get divorced and never thought that I would cheat. I was insecure and not that popular with the girls growing up. Shortly after my oldest daughter was born, wife became distant from me and more consumed with our child. She began to have fights with me and my family and lash out at me because we did not live in the same city as her family. She could become abusive towards me. Around the time that our oldest was two, we had big conflict regarding living near my family and far from hers. We had a big fight one day, that she initiated out of nowhere and the next day she ran off with our daughter to be with her family. I chase after her and begged her to come home which she did after a month. A similar thing happened again two years later where she ran off with our daughter and I again chased after her. We went to counseling and things got better, got worse, and got better and got worse (roller coaster). We had another child four years ago and things had been better, but I guess that never forgave her for running off like she did and for generally putting me down because we could not afford to move to where her family lives (they live a three hour plane ride away). So, over two years ago I found myself stating to fool around with a female colleague from work who is also married.(we had been professional friends for a while that would talk on the phone or get from time to time) I tried to pull away as soon as it began but although this person is seven years younger than me, she is way more advanced in the ways of cheating. She quickly told me stories about other affairs that she had had. (from all the pieces that I have gotten from her, she seems to have issues with self-esteem and relationships stemming from sexual abuse when she was young). Each time I have tried to pull away she has pushed very hard and tugged at my emotions such that I don't leave (she has played the victim and the aggressor). I have let my emotions keep me tied to her and it has gotten more and more unhealthy as time has done by.
I have had numerous opportunities to get out. At one point, she became pregnant with her first child and although there was a slim chance that I was the father, all signs pointed too her husband. After the baby was born, it was clear that the child was not mine (I am a different race than her and her husband). At first although we worked in the same field, we did not work in the same office until I helped her get a job at my firm where she was assigned an office right next to mine. I was recently fired from that company (in part because of this affair) and am no longer right next to her. We have had many big fights where I have tried to use as a starting point for a final break up, but she will call me so many times that I eventually give in and call her back and end up meeting up with her. I do care for her a lot, but I care more for my family. I have never told her that I would leave my family for her so in that regarding I have never led her on. My wife does not really suspect a thing, despite many many many red flags ( although our marriage is on better terms, her abusiveness towards me has her thinking that I am perhaps to lame to do such a thing). I am very tired of living like this, but I have been unable to summon the courage to finally break it off with the OW( in part out of fear that she would retaliate by disclosing to my W). PLEASE HELP
Just a few other points.
By sheer coincidence, shortly after the affair began, I discovered that the OW's father in law had been my father's close friend when I was growing up and that her husband's family had even spent holidays with my family when we were all kids.
Strange as it sounds, although it may be that I getting old, but at this point I even have trouble getting aroused with either my wife or the OW. When the affair began I was actually so guilty that I was probably more aroused by my wife that the OW. Now my wife has noticed (and playfully complained that we don't do it as much anymore).
Some things I do not want posted here so I will title it:
Characteristics of my OW. Beware if you tread in these waters
But my immediate advise is get a plan/strategy (including the threat of: If you do this/that... I will do this/that) now.. run, run away... last, stay away!!
"Friends" and/or healthy relationships shouldn't make you feel this way.