There is a coldness in the way you speak that is without remorse or care about the feelings of your spouse. As you said, everything was calculated and the bet is that your wife won't leave you if she finds out.

You might want to see a therapist because the inability to feel concern about horribly harming your spouse is something that needs to be addressed by a professional.

Are you still involved in this affair? Are you planning on confessing to your wife or just hoping it's never discovered?

Being pregnant and having a newborn is extremely hard. And she had another child to care for during her entire pregnancy. You should have been home being a supportive husband and father, not our getting closer to some other girl or giving that girl support. I am willing to bet your wife would probably give anything for you to support and acknowledge her in that way.

It sounds like your wife always had the same views on sex and I'm guessing you knew that when you married her, so she didn't change and become a different person that you couldn't love anymore.

From someone who just found out my husband was involved in what he claims was only an emotional affair, you need to end it immediately, never talk to the other woman again and come clean to your wife. I also think you should look into counseling. If you plan to continue what you are doing then you should leave your wife because she deserves so much better.

I for one don't think that it is cold to not feel remorse or guilt. It's been three years since my W found out about the affair and I never—to this day—have felt one ounce of guilt. I do feel remorse, but not for the reasons one might think. I feel empathy and sorrow for what my W had to endure and for that I am remorseful.

Your resons are totally valid (at least in your mind) and I suspect that this is one reason why you (or I) don't make the jump to feel guilt.

Here is the thing though. The issues that you describe are not new in the sense that they are not new to the human experience. I suspect that you are not alone. Before I calculatedly started an Afair, it had been two years without sex with my wife, but does that make an affair ok? justifiable? Think about this, your wife also has gone a year without sex, and while you might be quick to say "yeah, but it's her choosing" - the issues that she might be dealing with are real and are likely hurtful as much to her as they are to you. Maybe even more-so because she might not be equipped with the tools to change things about herself and that might make it more frustrating because she probably wants to have sex more than once a year. The difference is that she didn't CHOOSE to be unfaithful. You did.

So regardless of the situation, you are NEVER in the right when you are unfaithful. It's always a choice. The question now is, what kind of person are you? Do you continue to have an affair or do you become a person of integrity and either come clean (mostly to yourself--belive me, it might be exciting for a bit, but living in the shadows, even if no one ever finds out doesn't make you happy).

Be genuine! Be authentic. Be honest. You will waste too much energy on a secret affair (or multiple) but you will still be unhappy.

First, I have in no way abandon my wife, family, or parental responsibilities. I have remained active and engaged in my children's lives. I continue to attend birthday parties, do drop off and pick up at daycare, make dinner, change diapers, walk the dogs, make dinner, and do dishes. I am fully involved in the day to day that makes us function.
When the Other and I get together it's me taking time off from work, or under the guise of "going out with friends." I must say these judgements are infuriating, and quiet possibly a reflection of something you've experienced as they don't line up with my situation.

I appreciate the other comments and have found support and healing in them. It's not that I am unaware, or some kind of sociopath incapable of gauging another's feelings. (I'm actually a well credentialed individual in the mental health field.) It's just that I have hit some kind of tipping point. And yes, it is a choice but exactly at what point is denying oneself the ability to experience affection unhealthy? I've never done this before and I'm terrified of what could happen. I don't think I need to end either relationship; I rather believe my wife and I can work this out. However I am only human. Thanks for your feedback, to those who've been helpful.

I find this discussion interesting. Why not let you spouse decide? I know a lot of people that do not have a sexual relationship any more, because of one thing or another. They are great together, just not in the sex department.

Maybe you should have discussed your "other" as you call her, with your wife first and got her opinion on you screwing someone behind her back. You claim to be a mental health professional?! Really? And you are unaware of the ramifications of your selfish actions? How about file for a divorce first? Get the counciling your profession claims will fix everything? Why would you wait an entire year before deciding cheating on the woman you swore before God to be faithful to was your only option? I hope you don't get lucky and join the 75% of the male population that gets the thrill of erectile dysfunction...then maybe your "other" and your wife will give up on you. If you came here looking for a pat on the back your on the wrong page.

Nobody2U, he is in fact in the right place.. this board is for cheating spouses. I really am not sure why he is here tho. He just seems to want a platform to brag. Brag away.. if that's what you want to do..

Dude, sadly the CA board has become completely over-run with angry, bitter, betrayed spouses. They have their own board, but have to come over and harass the vulnerable folks on this board to make themselves feel better. Most of the support goes on in journals behind the scenes. Lurk for a while, find some friends, write some journals and keep them private to just your support network. It didn't use to be this way, but this is the current state.

I'm here because I'm confused about where my relationship is heading. I'm here to gather opinions, seek support, and hopefully find someone to share my experience with. What I was looking for is someone to understand what I'm going through and hear how they dealt with this. I'm looking for ideas, suggestions, thoughts during a very opsetting time in my life.I'm not here to brag, and I will not let those of you who bash me continue to do so. I'm in the right room. You're not. Why are you here, if only to pass judgement and make yourself feel better on people who feel volnerable? And yes, I can and do feel that way. I will say that THIS is why people don't talk to others. Save your judgement; I won't be back.

Sorry didn't mean to bash, if you read your original post you just posted your story. You didn't state why you were here. You said I will not get caught but if I do she won't leave anyway. You have no guilt or remorse. What's the problem? You should enjoy the ride while you can. Unless you have a problem with what you are doing and want to stop. That's all

@dude - Here is the thing that people on this board (or any board) will not understand. It is one thing to say, "I have had an affair and I don't feel guilt, I know I have issues and want to fix them etc." It is quite another thing to come here and say "I am planning on having an affair, because I am not having my needs met"

The thing that is hard for most to grapple with here is that you are at a crossroad that most here are not. They come here after having made a mistake and in retrospect, they wish they had not. You are here saying "I am at that point where I can choose to be kind to a human being and spare her the pain, and spare myself the pain", but you are contemplating willfully turning your back on reason and common sense. That is just unkind and cruel.

Transpose a different idea into yours. It is the difference between, I fell and I hurt myself vs. I threw myself on the ground by choice knowing that it would hurt and in the process I threw the person I claim to love along with me, knowing it would hurt.

You see, this is a very different discussion that you are trying to have and therefore people will not be supportive or understanding of it. Don't expect it. Good luck.

I don't have advice for you, but wanted to say that in general, I think our culture/society really undervalues sexual intimacy. It's not just about frequency but also about quality, and it sounds like your relationship with your wife is lacking on both counts. You can try to compartmentalize this need, and I think many men do this successfully. I couldn't, and neither did my exAP/current legit partner. I wish I had been able to end my marriage before beginning a new relationship, but that's not what the universe threw to me, and I'm dealing with the consequences now.

I think many affairs do go undiscovered, and for you, maybe the risk that yours will be discovered is worth taking. But the kind thing to do would be to take a close look at yourself and your life choices and make a thoughtful decision. Do you really want to be sneaking around to get laid in 5 years? Will your marriage eventually end because you can't continue to live like this? If so, why not do that now and allow you and your wife to begin the healing process.

I imagine having young kids complicates the matter, but if you're committed to maintaining a collaborative co-parenting relationship, the kids lives don't have to suffer. My kids were 2.5 and 4.5 when I left my ex, and they have adjusted phenomenally, despite what SO many people told me about how divorce would fuck them up.

Just my two cents.