Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
For the most part, I think I'm handling things OK. My BW and I aren't living together right now, but we are attending MC and going on dates. In short, we're trying. (A lot of you know my full story...I won't post it all here again because I'm not sure how relevant it is to this)
I'm trying to work on bettering myself and learning from my mistake. I've been going to Zen meditation sessions, and it's helped some. I post and read here often. I'm letting some close friends and family in on what I've done, and leaning on them for support.
But from time to time, I find myself feeling very down. The shame rushes through me, and I feel almost sick to my stomach. I think of all the people in my life who think highly of me and expect a lot out of me, and I feel that I let them all down. I see other couples going about their days happily, and I think, "How could I have hurt something so beautiful? I'm a monster!" I just feel sick and gross, like I don't deserve to be around the good people of this world. I'm a pathetic loser and failure...a terrible person.
I find myself occasionally thinking it'd be nice to just go away. I don't know if that means I want to kill myself (I've never even come close to trying, BTW). I think I just want to hide, or to run away and start over, where no one knows me or what I've done.
It's a sinking feeling, that my terrible mistake will live with me forever. I have to carry this, and it hurts deeply. I've generally been a very happy person in my life, but when I do feel down, I feel very down. And this is as down as I've ever felt.
Don't really have a question...just expressing thoughts. Thanks for reading.
I'm trying to work on bettering myself and learning from my mistake. I've been going to Zen meditation sessions, and it's helped some. I post and read here often. I'm letting some close friends and family in on what I've done, and leaning on them for support.
But from time to time, I find myself feeling very down. The shame rushes through me, and I feel almost sick to my stomach. I think of all the people in my life who think highly of me and expect a lot out of me, and I feel that I let them all down. I see other couples going about their days happily, and I think, "How could I have hurt something so beautiful? I'm a monster!" I just feel sick and gross, like I don't deserve to be around the good people of this world. I'm a pathetic loser and failure...a terrible person.
I find myself occasionally thinking it'd be nice to just go away. I don't know if that means I want to kill myself (I've never even come close to trying, BTW). I think I just want to hide, or to run away and start over, where no one knows me or what I've done.
It's a sinking feeling, that my terrible mistake will live with me forever. I have to carry this, and it hurts deeply. I've generally been a very happy person in my life, but when I do feel down, I feel very down. And this is as down as I've ever felt.
Don't really have a question...just expressing thoughts. Thanks for reading.
I can relate to almost everything that you just said. Hang in there buddy. You are not alone and you are not a bad or broken person. IMHO: The fact that you feel "bad" about what you have done means that you are a good person. Thanks for posting because this has made me think about my situation.
Sedg - Thanks for this. I keep trying to tell myself this message. It can be hard when I'm living in a new place now, and my W is not there with me. A sense of hopelessness inevitably rushes in. But this message is what I need to keep going back to