Welcome Stuckfast. You are in the right place! There is no judgment here- you may not get things sugar coated to you, but there is not judgement. Most of us who comment on here are in the process of getting out of affairs, or like me- are slightly up the road to peace and having a healthy marriage again. It is a grueling and painful process to end an affair, as there is usually an addictive feeling involved. I've never done drugs or been an alcoholic- but I do get how difficult it is to stop something that has such an addictive power. I have not been in contact with my OM (other Man) for over a year, but it is very much one day at a time. There is hope- if you're willing to do the hard work to get there. If you scroll through past posts you will see many common themes that are worth going back and reading. Some common themes are the "Fog", to tell or not tell, going NC (no contact with the other person), and how to rebuild your marriage. There are many other topics too. Most of us have been to counseling or are in counseling- personal and/or marital. Yes you can go to top notch therapist, but YOU have to want to change your behavior. It is not easy and most of us have relapsed several times (myself included) before we can turn away from the affair partner. I joined here in Jan of 2012 after being in my A for almost 2 years off and on, it took me until almost the end of 2013 to totally break free of the OM. I can say that yes while at times I still miss him, I will not go back. I am so much more at peace, and happy with my H (hubby) and family. It is not worth me risking losing them. I do not wish my Ex-Om any ill will- I hope he is well. But I cannot be a part of his life, if I want to have a healthy life. There are many of us who are willing to listen and help. There are a few "Trolls" on here- pay them no mind. Good luck- we are here for you.

Hi!
I don't think there is one CS on here that will judge you. We have all been there and some of us still are.

A little about me, I am a cheating W. I had been in an affair for 18 months. I ended it 10 months ago. Maintained NC until about May when I relapsed for the summer. It wasn't worth it. I've been in complete NC for about 2 months.

Nothing has worked because, yes, you are addicted.....I tried MULTIPLE times to end my affair. It was destroying who I was on the inside. I ended up being on antidepressants and began gaining weight. I couldn't face my friends (let alone my H) who thought I was someone else. I hated myself. I used to pray for the strength to end it. Then "Something" happened that I allowed to be the excuse, I broke it off for good......as someone told me, I saw the window open and I jumped through it. (Again I did relapse in the summer, but by then I was out of the fog and that ended again as quickly as it started)

I still struggle. As a matter of fact today I am really struggling, so I hang out here..... No one said this will be easy. In fact, its absolutely one of the hardest things I've ever done. You said you were in IC...go again. If one counselor doesn't work, try another. Make a commitment to end it and do just that, if that is what you want to do. I can't stress enough No Contact. Instead of contacting her, contact your wife....focus on her. Come here, to DS. My therapist checked this site out and felt it was a great adjunct to therapy. (Sometimes you will get a very bitter betrayed spouses commenting on here, but I think that comes with online postings....just ignore the hate) The genuine people on here "get it". Make some friends, read the boards, journal. Journal ALOT. Write it out. It helps.

You sound like you know the right thing to do....its just getting there. Respect yourself enough to walk away from something that isn't right for you or your family. If ending this is really what you want, you have to take that step and end it. You can't "just be friends", you can't "take time apart", you can't "see how it goes for 30 days". But...you CAN take YOUR recovery one day at a time.I loved your words, "time I should be spending with my child". That's right. Sometimes its the deepest pain that empowers you to grow into your highest self....that's what I'm hoping for anyway....I believe my A wouldn't last forever, but the love my H has for me and I him, will.

Believe in yourself. Just because today is a terrible day, doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better day.

hey Stuck - I just wanted to join in and share a few thoughts. My A (affair) started in Jan of this year when I started talking to a lost friend. It hasn't been as long as you, but I am in day 4 of NC (no contact). If you read my journal, you will see that I have failed miserable each day. Although I am in day 4, today is actually day 1 that I have lasted this long without reaching out to her. I am writing this and I feel like crying because I miss her. But I just had lunch with my beautiful W (wife), and I am listening to a song that makes me think of her (wife). And I am writing to you trying to entertain thoughts that keep me away from the OW (other woman).

I have a medical evaluation on Tuesday because of the incredible depression that the A has caused. Everything in me wants to reach out to her and text her and see her, but I choose the sadness and pain because its suppose to be the road to a better place. I don't believe just yet, and I can't fathom a life with out the OW, but I am trusting that everything I read here is true. There is a better place on the other side of the pain.

I feel so much empathy for you. I know what you feel. I am in the middle of it. You can do it, you can get out. Your wife and child deserves you, not just a portion of you.

I was informed that I offer no guidance, but I was intrigued by the "remote places of the earth". I am asking this seriously, did you, literally, go to remote places to find yourself? I find the concept of that incredibly interesting, but I've never known anyone to actually do it.

I apologize for asking a question instead of providing advice. It is totally ok if you choose not to answer.

Hi guys.
thank you from the bottom of my heart for your touching and honest replies. I teared up a bit and I cannot tell you how much this means right now to me.

To the last person. Yes I actually went to remote parts of the earth. I spend a week in a monastery up in the himalayas meditating and also went to the north west sahara. Instead of helping me it turned out to be the loneliest time of my life. I literally came straight back to a hotel room with her.
Shoretimenow - you hit the nail on the head. I HAVE TO WANT to end it. Thats the part I wrestle and struggle with and it kicks my ass EVERY time.
It is because my life has become her. She seems the cause of thr sickness and the cure. Thats the trick with addictions. They give you a disease for which they are the only remedy.
I would love to go NC but im afraid that would flip her out and ahe will punish me (as has happened before). So right now although I hate it and am trying to find help im still sending mumdane messages back and forth.

You guys are all amazing people. I love having met you. Truly.

Stuck,I feel there is that part of you that truly wants to end the Affair, even if you are not actually ready to. What is the punishment from the OW that you are afraid of? How has she punished you in the past?

Hi Stuck
I feel like a broken record sharing this again (apologies if you've already seen it), but it's super helpful insight on addiction.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66cYcSak6nE

Question: do you have a trustworthy friend in your life or maybe on this blog with whom you can share about the A? It seems your sick relationship just keeps sucking you in & maybe you have no one to help you out in your times of crisis (nobody feels sorry for a cheater...except another cheater!). Considered getting a sponsor? When you want to see her again, call your sponsor.

Has anyone else here tried this? Maybe it's a little weird to apply this concept to affairs, but in Stuck's case it might be the only thing that works. Thoughts?

It's a long road, but like Gabor says in the video, you have to find the light inside you. Maybe the love for your baby and his mom :)

Hi stuck.... I am in the midst of an affair and a divorce. We're both (at least for now) married. The affair has changed my life DRAMATICALLY. I feel for you tremendously as it is not a pleasant moment. I don't know that I'm addicted, myself, exactly...but I did walk away from a reasonable marriage. My wife completely in the dark about the truth. It kills me. Thoughts and prayers.