Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I have been a serial cheater for as long as I was involved with anyone. The thrill of the hunt and bliss of victory were all that I craved. It was and still is an unquenchable hunger. I struggle daily to contain the part of me that wants more. I am not sure what it is other than primal instinct that drives me to seek out sex with others. I was caught a year ago. For the first time in my life I did not just run away. We both stayed. I still can't believe we worked past it. It was not easy. It still hurts. Occasionally it is brought up as something that is bothering her. When I do something slightly out of character or suspicious. My current occupation puts me in multiple situations almost daily where the potential to cheat is there. It has been over a year since I chose to have sex with someone else. I still look on websites almost daily and wanted to give in recently to temptation. My life for so long revolved around seduction. I was constantly looking for someone else. I have been working so hard at changing the way I view women. The way I live my life. When I am asked if I have a girlfriend. I have only lied once over the past year about it. I still carry the guilt for that. Every other time I answered yes. I felt so much better about myself. Staying faithful is not easy. Each day I make it without trying to cheat I can feel myself healing. My desire turns away from cheating and instead growing the bond between us. I know I can do this. I can be faithful. The other day was a step back. A reminder of who I thought I wanted to be. In my heart I only want to be for her.
In my opinion, what we're doing when we cheat is compensating for a lack of something. We don't have the greatest self-confidence or self-worth, which may stem from childhood or something more recent. There's a void of some sort, and to fill it, we turn toward receiving validation from women. It feels good, but its fleeting and not exactly healthy. And we want more.
At least that's what I feel is true in my case. Has very little to do, I think, with my W and my feelings toward her. It's about me and my weakness. You'll hear others say the same: When people cheat, it often has little to do with the person being cheated on. Cheaters are turning away from themselves, not their spouses. Therapist Esther Perel has an excellent TED Talk that looks at this and other aspects of infidelity. It was eye-opening to me: https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q
My advice would be to communicate regularly and deeply with your significant other. Don't hold anything back...now that you've been caught, just come clean 100%. Shoulder the blame and responsibility. It's on you, not her. From there, show a commitment to change...don't just say you're going to change. This won't happen overnight. But perhaps consider IC or MC and begin to take baby steps. If you really are committed to change, it will show over time.
One last thing, regarding filling the void I spoke of earlier: It might be good to find a new hobby or two, and/or to make a determined effort to spend a lot of time with friends. Go places. Do things. Learn something new. Try to enrich your life in WAYS other than in the arms of another. I bet you'll start to find that you really didn't need the validation you had been seeking.
Good luck to you