Dunno. Only you can answer that.
You can still love someone else and cheat.

I completely get what you are saying. I feel the same way. In fact, one time my H went away, I was like a teenager when parents leave and she's alone in the house for the first time.I remember actually feeling that way! I think we have urges, I think once you taste it and when you know you are in a situation that gives you some freedom, it can be tempting. Very tempting. We are all tempted by things. My H is still at work now and I'm kinda tempted to dive into that Ben&Jerry's sitting in the freezer, but I won't. But its a choice, you didn't. Celebrate that. And celebrate each accomplishment. I sure as hell do right now. It takes time to 'unteach' our brains things sometimes.

I would be more concerned with the "one phone call, it would have happened" statement. Do you keep someone on the side, just in case? If there is, you know you need to be NC with that person.

I don't keep someone on the side, but I think of people who I've broken up with in legitimate relationships or in FWBs who would likely enjoy taking it up again. So, it's not "one phone call" but not much effort, either. I get the NC thing. Once it starts, you inevitably have to go to bed with that person. Believe me, I've been there and I've suffered every excruciating turn that takes. I'd rather not start and have it suck my life force away again.

The actor Bruce Boxleitner. Wondered if anyone would catch that. :)

It does suck your life force, doesn't it? The whole gamut of it is so toxic to our psyche. Toxic yet the force is powerful. Sometimes I wonder if you ever, ever totally shake the pull. Not saying never cheat again-but never ever feel the pull. Although, I suppose even the most faithful spouses sometimes get urges. My husband has a thing for my colorist. Sometimes, in fact, I wish he'd go for it.

Yes, JK, not a big fan of the photo either. Who is that?

No comment on what I think of JDs photo. He already got that feedback.

I sometimes idealize celebrities and wish I were as handsome. I recognize it all a facade, though, which sometimes I worry is more applicable to me as a metaphor than I would like it to be. My lady has sometimes cried over what she says is my integrity. I want to think she's right in many ways, but I don't know how to process that given what I feel and what continues to tempt me. All my cheating in relationships has happened before her, and I would never be able to stand myself if I did that to her and broke her world, as I know it would.

Integrity? Maybe. But Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde comes to mind here, too.

Last couple of times my H left me alone to go someplace, I had the urge to call AP but didn't. It's what I always did before. I still feel like doing it but the last two times felt like, what's the use?

This feeling will only happen a couple of times & then you'll be free of it. Sort of like a recovering addict.

Bruce, do you still keep in touch with your Little house on the prarie ex wife? Did she ever hook you up with Nellie Olsen?

Lol.. no, but I still deal with the Minbari.

Maybe the "once it starts you inevitably have to go to bed with that person" sunk in; and you didn't make the call.

I have a few FWB that have survived the years with a "friendship" still in tact. Most of them I'd gladly roll between the sheets with for a night, then go back to our regularly scheduled lives. If I had an opportunity to indulge in THAT - - it would be incredibly hard to say no.

But unfortunately I tend to find myself in the emotional "fog" where I'm sneaking around, *creating* opportunity; which we all know is bad, bad, bad! It leaves you beyond confused and YES - - emptied of all life force. Affairs are stupid fucking ideas - yet here we are. Smart people; talking about our affairs! :)

I suppose it can't be so simple as people want to believe, since so many smart people have affairs and mess up their lives with them, too.

I had an FWB for a while but haven't spoken to her since I found my lady. I feel bad about walking away from the friendship, but this seemed to be the only right thing to do for all involved.

I get you, Clovermoon, on the question of "what's the use"? And I bank on getting free of it- but I wish there were a way to do it in a final way. When I think I've found that, I discover I'm wrong, sooner or later.

And PrettyAndDumb (you're not the latter), I do think of the "creating opportunity" behavior. I can do it, too, and knowing it's not right has not held me up.

Jtk, I suspect that your mind is trying to fill the VOID that you have now that are you NO LONGER in an A .

Despite the fact that you are in a good relationship now, the good relationship DOES NOT fill the VOID that having an A brings you.

If the urge to have another A is very strong to the point that it is very hard for you to be able to resist getting into another A or getting back into your old A, you are an ADDICT.

I can resist acting out on my urges and have done so 100% in my relationship. I don't want any old partners back. My therapist and I have discussed. In summary, I'd rather not have these thoughts, but at least they are only thoughts.

You're funny, JustDrifting. :)