Why? Because when your feelings are raw, it is easier to focus on those feelings than to focus on the big picture.

Just drifting, what do you mean you will never stop?

It's perfectly normal to have these days, I think if you can expect to have them that is half the battle. Its the end of a relationship and despite what that relationship was or turned out to be, you still shared a level of intimacy (good or bad) that was privy to just the two of you. it was a big piece of your life!

ALL.THOSE.THOUGHTS.....they could and sometimes still do consume what seems like hours of the day.
It helps me to use the journal feature on DS. You can make it private, if you'd like. Sometimes I just spill out my thoughts like crazy. I know some of my friends here are sick of hearing it sometimes. LOL; but it works for me, if I can't get something out of my head, I just write it here and then it is gone, sort of like a literary purge.

I promise it gets better, although sometimes slowly, with time.

There are a few challenges with ending an affair, the first is that you really can't talk to anyone about it, because its so secretive. Its not like when you were a teen and broke up with your boyfriend and had a million girlfriends to talk to it about it. You aren't going to get much commiseration telling friends, "I had an affair and really miss my AP", so you have to bottle up those thoughts. There were many a nights I laid curled in a ball in bed away from my husband on the verge of tears.......

Another challenge is that you do miss that piece in your life - the bliss, the thrill, etc. and its hard to fill that void somewhere else. We remember, we perseverate and sometimes we forget the bad times, which is a perfect storm to get back into the A or a A. Many of us did. I've now been a little over 7 months of NC with my AP after a few attempts of rekindling. The thing is, fairly quickly we remember its the same crap different day......the toxicity of it, the detriment of it, the drama/games of it, the lies, the façade, the complex emotions that go along with it.....

To help me remain NC I also have a list (written in a private journal entry) of all the things he did that irked me, that were annoying or even worse, toxic. So....when thinking of him, I can now say, "Yes I miss that, but remember that....."

Clover has frequently quoted that it takes two full years to get over an AP with NC. (Contact - in any form- prolongs things). Some days you just have to take it one day at a time, and if not, one hour at a time.....

Sarah220. The big picture? That's the hard part. This is what I wanted, to end the A...my life should be easier..and yes it is...not happier though...I wasn't happy at end of A either ...that's going to take alot of work if possible...but I craved my drug today..I fought my emotions ...maybe because of dream I had about XOM..he was with a pretty younger woman who was aware of our past but she didn't care..she was accepting that he was still wanting to hook up with me as long as he stayed with her too...he was very angry with me in dream because I ended our A...I felt his anger...I woke up..missing the good times we had...I know.(weird)..toxic relationship indeed...I know NC is only answer..I realized I may not know what "happy" is because I was conditioned to please other people my whole life..large Catholic family... . and not myself...I don't know how "happy" feels. Happy is a choice they say...hmmm

Shoretimenow: Thank you for using the word "normal". I certainly felt/feel abnormal because of all these mixed emotions that are overwhelming. Too much on my mind and too much free time.. writing a journal will help. Perhaps I want overnight results. I
try to stay busy...guess not enough...

Now I remember what I used to do before A...I was a girlscout leader and a member of a book club! : )

Shoretime referred to something Clover said about it taking a full 2 years to get over an AP with NC. I truly believe that also. I am not a CS, so I cannot speak about AP's, but that same timeline has held true for me in getting over past bad breakups that were very emotional. It just takes time to get past things, and with time, unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.

Oh yeah..... I think we all wish we could have overnight results! Wouldn't that be great? But the more I've learned from healing from an affair, is that most are like this. For me, healing from my A and all that this encompasses- maintaining NC and the loss of that relationship, rebounding, rebuilding my marriage, just understanding 'why' - is the most difficult thing I've ever done to the point of needing therapy.
Clover is an excellent resource for many tools. I know I've relied on her quite a bit!
CA is a great support system on DS, but there are many other tools this site and others provide.
Use anything you can.

Thank you guys! One day at a time.

Do not demonize something that made you felt good. Did the A make you feel alive? Do you truly want to make it work with your H? Or do you feel dead with H? I also grew up not knowing what real "happy" felt like. I thought this was as good as it gets. I allowed my H to not make me a priority. I'm no longer allowing it. A helped me realize that it is possible to feel alive and happy. Yes, I get the part of not having to deal with the day to day life stuff and we only see the "best" parts with AP. But obviously, there was a connection of some sort that we did not get from our spouses. Yes, it's scary starting over after 20 years... But right now for me, it's scarier pretending and staying and knowing for sure I'll be unhappy and disconnected. I rather be alone than in a house with someone and feeling disconnected, empty and unhappy. It's torture! Be strong, Believe in yourself! You deserve to be happy.