Have you sought out counseling? To try to understand whet you really want and need overall? In addition maybe try marriage counseling and getting some fun books on sexuality and read them together.

I'm the bs and I can say I've gone through highs and lows in my sexual relationship with my husband. Putting his A aside for this one. We aren't always compatible
He's easier to please so it is more me needing things to bea certain way. However he's usually willing to work it my way. Maybe sitting him down and being very clear as to what you need from him.

If after going through counseling (both ic and mc) reading some good sex books and having serious talks about what you need, you're still unhappy then you need to give him the consideration of telling him that.

Welcome Floralname.

1st here are the abbreviations used on this site.

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/19247585

You are between a rock and hard place. UGH ! There are no GOOD answers to your situation

The only way to try and save your marriage is to tell you H the truth that you don't desire him physically at all. (This may break his heart and make him want to D you but truly there is no other way)

Then you have tell your H that you WANT to cheat on him with OTHER MEN.

You will now have to be TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY transparent and allow him total complete access to all your passwords on the phone and computer; EVERYTHING.

You will then have to tell him EVERYTHING about who you are desiring and who you are flirting with and police yourself and allow him to police you.

You will have to be UNHAPPY in the bedroom department for your the sake of your M and your children.

Sorry I couldn't give you a better answer.

Hugs to you.

I have found if this is a sex thing... What have you done to make it better. Get over hurting his feelings. Find a sex counselor if u need to. What have you done to make him feel sexier? Show him how he can make it better for you. Toys in the bedroom, as soon as some spouses get past the weirdness they really like it.. IGM (I get mine) first, because if I don't it ain't gonna happen, then it's a free for all. I end up relaxing and have 2-3 more before he's finished.
Spend a weekend and lock yourself away from everyone, phones included... Dress up sexy, corsets are #1 on my husbands wish list.. Wear it under your jeans and a nice shirt, then after dinner or drinks, unwrapping that package will get him listing after you like a teenager.
Tell him what u expect from him. I finally told my H.. I dress up to go out with you, I EXPECT MORE THOUGHT THAN WHAT GREEN OR BLACK T-SHIRT TO WEAR!
If it's smell, you like the way the other men smell, find out what smell you like. Buy it for your man!
The more you want him, the more he will want to please you too.

We are going to MC and I am going to IC. We both have high sex drives so we've done a lot of fun things, toys, sexy outfits, and we just went on a small getaway without the kids.

I did tell him that I don't desire him and that I've lost respect for him. He's gotten complacent in the marriage and in life. He's in a dead end job and doesn't do much to fix up our house. He's much more clean and organized after years of teaching and nagging but in the last couple of months he's tried to be more assertive as a leader of the family/household. And I've taken a step back so he can prove to me, and himself, that he's more capable.

I'm not sure if I'm just being impatient but even after all his efforts, I don't feel attraction or respect for him. It's almost harder for me to show affection for him because I feel like he deserves better than me.

It didn't unravel overnight. Give yourself a timeline. Cheating only gives you marriage less of a chance. If you are done, get out. Don't disrespect him more than you have.

Floral's problem and the responses to them, very much concern me. I am so worried that I have a similar problem and have too much invested in a wonderful woman that is considering taking me back after being a CS. I have nothing to offer as far as advise and know I need to tell my story for my own "therapy" but for now I just need to post something to ease my anxiety. So you know..I have been lurking on this site for about a month.. Thank God I found it as I am in a real mess. I created my profile today and this is my first post.

I am in a similar boat. I have zero sexual chemistry with my husband. This has been true for most of our marriage. After 10 years, we are basically in a sexless relationship. I adore him as a partner, a father to our child, a person...but he feels more like a brother than a romantic partner. Whatever the pheromone is that makes you want to be intimate, we don't have it. I'm at a loss. My ex-AP, on the other hand, sets me on fire. I miss it terribly.

Then get out and find someone that meets all your needs

I appreciate what you are saying Jaymee but having my sexual needs satisfied by w will be OK with me for all the other wonderful qualities that she has. I am confident it will be fine in the long haul as we have in the past had a good sex life. Its that w now knows... as best I can explain it now.. that the A was started and based off of sex and now I believe that she is looking for signs from me that I have that kind of intense sexual desire for her that I had for OW. W is very attractive and most people think I am crazy for straying but I cannot explain why that she does not as whatamithinking says.. "sets me on fire" Sex with AP WAS exciting, daring and intense. We were both VERY open minded with it in a way w has not been in the past. I liked to be dominant and assertive, she craved the submissive role, but as I now know it was chaotic and emotionally unhealthy. The whole A was unhealthy, toxic and had gone on far too long for even our sanity. It and guilt finally drove me to end it and even if my marriage cannot be salvaged I damn well better have enough good sense never to get to close to ow again.. So now I am regaining sanity at the price of a long and wonderful marriage left on a thread ..to a good wife that most guys would kill for. I am essentially only 47 days since dday. I feel like I am just trying to buy time to let some of those feelings of intense sexual flames with OW die out so I can regain .. in a natural way... high sexual RPM performance with my w that she knows that I like. If anyone has experience and or advise for me it would be greatly appreciated. Salvage my marriage is a top priority. Due to the damage I have caused in my marriage and family staying in NC with OW is a must. YES, YES .. I am white knuckling the draw to ow but please understand.. if the advise is to leave my wife for the sake of intense sex with OW, please know .. I would rather put a gun to my head. Oh... I have had 2 IC sessions. Not much learned there so far. Wife has agreed.. God love her.. to MC and first appointment is next week. I would also like to give many thanks to those that post and offer advise ... especially to the BS's .. that out of the good of there betrayed heart are able to help wretches like me

my advice was to somebody else in the previous comment. May I suggest a book that you can read even together it's called: helping your spouse heal from your affair-by Jennifer MacDonald, less than 100 pages

Thank you jaymee. I ordered the book last night

Thank you Jay, I ordered the book last night

You're in your mid thirties & have been together for almost 2 decades? So that means you've been together since your teens? Am I right? If so, maybe you're going thru a period where you think you've missed out on the "free time" most young adults experience in their 20's while searching for "the one". Sounds to me like you were lucky the first time. You just need to convince yourself of that.

Thanks Jaymee, I have the book on order