Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am in pain. My story is long and full of hurt and betrayal. My husband and I have been married for 18 1/2 years with four teenage children. In 2010, he disclosed he was a CS. It broke me inside. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage then because if I had I would’ve left then. I told him I would be strong for both of us and we stayed together. However, I began seeking comfort in friendships with other men. I have boundary issues and was diagnosed with a mood disorder in 2014. From 2010 until now, 8 long years, I betrayed my marriage in both physical and emotional ways. We separated in 2014, at which time I almost killed myself, which resulted in a hospitalization and my diagnosis. We were separated so I started focusing on myself and doing things for myself, mostly in days the he had the children. I started to live again. We were separated for 5 months. On Father’s Day,4 months into the separation, I discovered he had a girlfriend. I attempted to cut all ties other than those dealing with the children. He decided he’d made a mistake and wanted to reconcile. We did...but I had become a CS by that point. I was seeing one of his coworkers, friend. He provided me the attention I was missing and I believe I did it to hurt my BS/CS as we are both. Time passed and we thought we were getting better. However in September, he decided he wanted a divorce. We played house until January for the sake of the children. Things took a turn for the worse and we separated rooms after Xmas. On Wednesday, the man I had the A with told him.
Everything has unraveled. I couldn’t be honest and still haven’t confessed. I just can’t, I’m afraid. I don’t know if what as I’ve lost him completely. I am in therapy and have been since my diagnosis. I am in so much pain and anguish. I want him to leave the house and divorce so that we can both start the healing process.
You never said what your diagnosis was, but I'm sure that played into your decision. I think you have a good plan of talking about it in therapy. Just be honest and get every single thing off your chest at once. Don't dribble it all out over multiple visits. That's akin to pulling off the band-aid slowly.
There will always be this dark desire that can come from resentment but also from a sense of wanting to taste the forbidden fruit like their CS.
While it might not be right, I can see yours came from a place of pain. and resentment regarding his affair.
You will need to as she said, find a safe way to disclose this. Hopefully he will be understanding given his past affair.
He’s had three A’s during our 18 years. One was during the separation and two were while we were married. When he speaks to me all he says is that I lied and kept it from him and that makes it worse. He only disclosed one A on his own, the other two were by discovery. I have no idea how to stand up against him through this divorce when he uses the A as a trump card to it all. He’s threatened to tell our children and the wife of the man I had the A with. Idk if she already knows, she hasn’t contacted me and I haven’t contacted him at all. It’s so complicated no matter how I approach the divorce. I know he’s angry and hurt....doesnthat give him the right to be manipulative and abusive?
Be sure to remind that you can tell the kids all about his three affairs and you can also call up his affair partners. It does not matter that it was a while ago. Anything he can do to you, you can do to him. That should get him to simmer down.
As he is the bottom of the barrel cheater, there is nothing he can tell anyone that can't be said about him and more.
50/50 split on everything is fair and legal.
“Dad made a mistake and spent time he should have been spending with me with other women. I got angry and hurt and did the same to him. We were both wrong and realize we are only hurting each other. But we love you guys and want to be good parents to you.”
There you go...