Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm new to this site, and i'm hoping with some of your help, that I find a way never cheat again, whether it be with my boyfriend who I already cheated on, or another man in the future should my boyfriend decide to truly leave me.
warning- I have Issues, daddy issues, and this is a LONG post
Background info: This is not the first time I have cheated on someone, or even he second, but it is the first time I have cheated on my boyfriend of two years now.
My defense mechanism is to lie. ever since I was a little kid, when I felt panicked, I would try to lie. I have gotten better about it, but it is still my initial instinct.
The first time I cheated was with my first real boyfriend in highschool. It was an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, that eventually turned physical when i ended it. The first time I cheated, was to get back at him for cheating on me, so I had an affair(if you can call it that in highschool lol) with someone else for two months, and then I ended it. at the time, my abusive boyfriend threatened to commit suicide if i ever left him, so I chose to cheat instead. he played me like that for a year, cheated on me with two other girls, though i remained faithful to him after the initial cheating. when I decided enough was enough, he dragged me down a flight of stairs by my neck at a football game with a crowbar in his pants, which he intended to use on my best guy friend, when i told him i was done.
Since then, I've noticed that I've had a pattern that when I feel a relationship was about to end, I would start to look elsewhere, though I never acted on it.
That was, until I went away to college, and i still had a boyfriend back home (7 hours away). It was welcome week, and I met a guy I just clicked with. We got drunk with our new friends and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend at home. this affair lasted two months, until I broke up with the boy back home, and the relationship with the OM continued, until he decided he did not want to return to school the following fall and we broke up, though still kept talking throughout the summer, he was my date to a wedding and I even went and spent the 4th of july with him (though it was a disaster).
When that fall came, me and him were still talking, but still not a couple, I met my current boyfriend. We started talking, and for a month I talked with both of them, not exclusive with either, and they both knew of the other. When the new guy told me he wanted me to choose, I was hesitant, because me and my old boyfriend had planned a future together which part of me still wanted, but I ended up cutting it off with the old boyfriend and continued with the new.
That brings us to the present. For a year and a half before I cheated, me and my current boyfriend had a decent relationship, with regular ups and downs. He was really in love with me, and still is, though with his own family issues, he had a hard time showing it. I discovered in this relationship, whenever it was the hormonal time of the month for me, I would get thoughts of breaking up with him and moving on to someone else i found attractive at the time, though I never acted on it, until one day I started texting a friend I used to flirt with before I became official with my boyfriend. I felt it was harmless flirting, just an ego boost because compliments from my boyfriend were rare, as I would never have cheated on my boyfriend with this guy. but when my boyfriend went through my phone, he was hurt and angry, but since nothing had actually happened, we moved on.
A month later, I went on study abroad trip for eight weeks, and that put a strain on our relationship because he never wanted me to from the beginning. we also had been fighting alot because it turned out my friends and family disliked him, though it was probably my fault because I only complained about the bad, and never gushed about the good to them. and he took my dog for the summer as a favor, who needed to be taken to the vet a few times for shots and medication. When I was abroad, we fought alot, over how much we could talk to eachother (a 6 hour time difference while attending classes, traveling and finding time to sleep makes it difficult to find time to talk), we fought over my dog because I felt he was being lazy with his care and training, we even fought over the clothes I wore (I wasn't "allowed" to wear spaghetti strap tank tops outside of my bedroom, and he protested against the yoga pants that I've had longer than we have been in our relationship) and he did not like me drinking- but that was with good reason.
the first half of my time abroad had come and gone, and things were hard. my friends, family, and even my roommates living with me abroad were telling me to break up with him, and I probably would have, had he not been taking care of my dog (or that was my excuse, anyway). and then one night, when I was working on a paper, my roommates brought the party back to our apartment from the pub, and they brought my future AP with them, and announced he was staying the night in our flat because he had missed the last train home for the night. He is a recognized part of their society, involved in politics and fine arts, and I found him attractive immediately. I found him so interesting, and for some reason he found me interesting too, though there was a room full of much prettier, more interesting college girls around us. as the party died, and people cleared out, it was just a few of us left, and we kept talking and drinking, and every so often he would throw a compliment my way. I told him I had a boyfriend, and he pointed out that he had a partner too. I thought that would be enough to prevent anything from happening. somehow we moved to my bedroom, because my other roommates said we our conversation was too loud. I deliberately sat across the room, in my desk chair while he made himself comfortable on my bed. and we talked some more. I even threw the boyfriend card out a time or two, but he didnt seem to care. he wanted to read the essay I had been working on when they arrived, and I had to get into the drawer on the other side of my bed to get it. he then tackled me to the bed and I just couldn't resist.
the next morning, we exchanged numbers, and I never saw him again. though he did start texting me every few days. it always started with nice chit chat, then he would start getting dirty. at first, I got offended that such an interesting person would really only want to talk sex with me, but after a couple weeks I started getting into it. all the time, i was still fighting with my boyfriend back home. My roommates said I shouldn't tell him, my friends advised me not to tell him, and then my initial instinct to lie played a part, and so I hid it, and never told him. When I went home, I mostly severed contact with my AP, except once or twice he would message me on twitter, privately commenting on something I said or a picture I posted.
Four months later, i felt my boyfriend and I were doing so much better, things had gotten so good, it was like we were back in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I saw that it was my AP's birthday on twitter, so i tweeted him a simple happy birthday, and then he messaged me, and things got dirty. I cannot tell you why I did it, I dont know what I was thinking. a few days later, my boyfriend comes over, hurt and angry, and admits that he had been actively snooping on my twitter account and read the messages that I had forgotten to delete.
Yesterday we had the belongings swap, and it was the first time I had seen him since he came over and we talked (he talked, I cried) He still loves me, still cares about me, but doesn't trust me, respect me, or forgive me. He doesn't believe that it only happened once, and i couldn't choke out that I had talked to my AP after the incident. He also admitted that he started talking to his EX again, something we agreed we wouldn't do after an incident that happened a year ago, and that he had a naked girl in his bed over the summer, but he says nothing happened because he loved me. he wants time to himself, and he says we will talk again after Thanksgiving.
The whole time we were talking, he would play with my dog, and my heart ached because that was the future I wanted.
I need help. I do not want to be this person anymore. I do not want to hurt anyone else like I did here.
What are things I can do to gain trust back? If he decides he wants to try to fix things, I already plan on suggesting a rule(though I know I am in no position to ask for anything) that we always be brutally honest, even if we know it will hurt the other. And I also plan on give him the passwords to everything, I've already deleted my twitter account, deleted my APs number, and unfollowed his page on FB.
warning- I have Issues, daddy issues, and this is a LONG post
Background info: This is not the first time I have cheated on someone, or even he second, but it is the first time I have cheated on my boyfriend of two years now.
My defense mechanism is to lie. ever since I was a little kid, when I felt panicked, I would try to lie. I have gotten better about it, but it is still my initial instinct.
The first time I cheated was with my first real boyfriend in highschool. It was an extremely emotionally abusive relationship, that eventually turned physical when i ended it. The first time I cheated, was to get back at him for cheating on me, so I had an affair(if you can call it that in highschool lol) with someone else for two months, and then I ended it. at the time, my abusive boyfriend threatened to commit suicide if i ever left him, so I chose to cheat instead. he played me like that for a year, cheated on me with two other girls, though i remained faithful to him after the initial cheating. when I decided enough was enough, he dragged me down a flight of stairs by my neck at a football game with a crowbar in his pants, which he intended to use on my best guy friend, when i told him i was done.
Since then, I've noticed that I've had a pattern that when I feel a relationship was about to end, I would start to look elsewhere, though I never acted on it.
That was, until I went away to college, and i still had a boyfriend back home (7 hours away). It was welcome week, and I met a guy I just clicked with. We got drunk with our new friends and I ended up cheating on my boyfriend at home. this affair lasted two months, until I broke up with the boy back home, and the relationship with the OM continued, until he decided he did not want to return to school the following fall and we broke up, though still kept talking throughout the summer, he was my date to a wedding and I even went and spent the 4th of july with him (though it was a disaster).
When that fall came, me and him were still talking, but still not a couple, I met my current boyfriend. We started talking, and for a month I talked with both of them, not exclusive with either, and they both knew of the other. When the new guy told me he wanted me to choose, I was hesitant, because me and my old boyfriend had planned a future together which part of me still wanted, but I ended up cutting it off with the old boyfriend and continued with the new.
That brings us to the present. For a year and a half before I cheated, me and my current boyfriend had a decent relationship, with regular ups and downs. He was really in love with me, and still is, though with his own family issues, he had a hard time showing it. I discovered in this relationship, whenever it was the hormonal time of the month for me, I would get thoughts of breaking up with him and moving on to someone else i found attractive at the time, though I never acted on it, until one day I started texting a friend I used to flirt with before I became official with my boyfriend. I felt it was harmless flirting, just an ego boost because compliments from my boyfriend were rare, as I would never have cheated on my boyfriend with this guy. but when my boyfriend went through my phone, he was hurt and angry, but since nothing had actually happened, we moved on.
A month later, I went on study abroad trip for eight weeks, and that put a strain on our relationship because he never wanted me to from the beginning. we also had been fighting alot because it turned out my friends and family disliked him, though it was probably my fault because I only complained about the bad, and never gushed about the good to them. and he took my dog for the summer as a favor, who needed to be taken to the vet a few times for shots and medication. When I was abroad, we fought alot, over how much we could talk to eachother (a 6 hour time difference while attending classes, traveling and finding time to sleep makes it difficult to find time to talk), we fought over my dog because I felt he was being lazy with his care and training, we even fought over the clothes I wore (I wasn't "allowed" to wear spaghetti strap tank tops outside of my bedroom, and he protested against the yoga pants that I've had longer than we have been in our relationship) and he did not like me drinking- but that was with good reason.
the first half of my time abroad had come and gone, and things were hard. my friends, family, and even my roommates living with me abroad were telling me to break up with him, and I probably would have, had he not been taking care of my dog (or that was my excuse, anyway). and then one night, when I was working on a paper, my roommates brought the party back to our apartment from the pub, and they brought my future AP with them, and announced he was staying the night in our flat because he had missed the last train home for the night. He is a recognized part of their society, involved in politics and fine arts, and I found him attractive immediately. I found him so interesting, and for some reason he found me interesting too, though there was a room full of much prettier, more interesting college girls around us. as the party died, and people cleared out, it was just a few of us left, and we kept talking and drinking, and every so often he would throw a compliment my way. I told him I had a boyfriend, and he pointed out that he had a partner too. I thought that would be enough to prevent anything from happening. somehow we moved to my bedroom, because my other roommates said we our conversation was too loud. I deliberately sat across the room, in my desk chair while he made himself comfortable on my bed. and we talked some more. I even threw the boyfriend card out a time or two, but he didnt seem to care. he wanted to read the essay I had been working on when they arrived, and I had to get into the drawer on the other side of my bed to get it. he then tackled me to the bed and I just couldn't resist.
the next morning, we exchanged numbers, and I never saw him again. though he did start texting me every few days. it always started with nice chit chat, then he would start getting dirty. at first, I got offended that such an interesting person would really only want to talk sex with me, but after a couple weeks I started getting into it. all the time, i was still fighting with my boyfriend back home. My roommates said I shouldn't tell him, my friends advised me not to tell him, and then my initial instinct to lie played a part, and so I hid it, and never told him. When I went home, I mostly severed contact with my AP, except once or twice he would message me on twitter, privately commenting on something I said or a picture I posted.
Four months later, i felt my boyfriend and I were doing so much better, things had gotten so good, it was like we were back in the honeymoon phase of our relationship. I saw that it was my AP's birthday on twitter, so i tweeted him a simple happy birthday, and then he messaged me, and things got dirty. I cannot tell you why I did it, I dont know what I was thinking. a few days later, my boyfriend comes over, hurt and angry, and admits that he had been actively snooping on my twitter account and read the messages that I had forgotten to delete.
Yesterday we had the belongings swap, and it was the first time I had seen him since he came over and we talked (he talked, I cried) He still loves me, still cares about me, but doesn't trust me, respect me, or forgive me. He doesn't believe that it only happened once, and i couldn't choke out that I had talked to my AP after the incident. He also admitted that he started talking to his EX again, something we agreed we wouldn't do after an incident that happened a year ago, and that he had a naked girl in his bed over the summer, but he says nothing happened because he loved me. he wants time to himself, and he says we will talk again after Thanksgiving.
The whole time we were talking, he would play with my dog, and my heart ached because that was the future I wanted.
I need help. I do not want to be this person anymore. I do not want to hurt anyone else like I did here.
What are things I can do to gain trust back? If he decides he wants to try to fix things, I already plan on suggesting a rule(though I know I am in no position to ask for anything) that we always be brutally honest, even if we know it will hurt the other. And I also plan on give him the passwords to everything, I've already deleted my twitter account, deleted my APs number, and unfollowed his page on FB.
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