My situation is not your situation but I didn't want you to think that you had gone unheard. We're not the quickest bunch but everyone I've run into here so far does care and does listen. In terms of hope, I'm probably not going to tell you anything you've haven't already thought of yourself but sometimes it just helps to hear/read from the outside. Also, because I'm basing this on about 4 whole paragraphs about your life, I could be completely wrong. <g> First, if you ended the affair, you're not longing for your AP and you have no desire to return to it, then I think the affair is not the problem. Perhaps more of a symptom? To me, it mostly sounds like y'all short-circuited the process, which is understandable. I mean, who wants to live this life day in and day out, over and over again? Maybe you guys needed to spend more time in therapy together? If your husband doesn't want to go back, perhaps you'd benefit from going yourself? I guess what I'm saying is that, in my experience, hope is most useful when coupled with action. The best thing you have going for you is that you want to stay in this relationship, and its sounds like, at least on some level, your husband does too. Build on that, with hope and action. In any case, please know you were heard and that all of us here empathize and sympathize. Hope you have peaceful day.

You have to know why and understand the entirety of the A. That requires a lot of work on your side.
As for your BS, you will need to work on that, try the pro/con listing.
You cant force feelings. You cant get back the lost. You have to gain the new.
Just because the A ended and went NC, doesn't mean that you changed or the desire. If the reason wasn't just for funs and adventures with no consequences, and it was for lack of desire and feelings then you might have a deeper problem.
IF the BS cant be as fulfilling as before then they have changed as well. Sometimes the BS wants to end it but pride gets in the way. If that is the case they will not be present enough to give the emotion feelings needed by both partners.
Dont work on him, dont focus on him, work on you be the best you. Stay as happy and strong as you can.
Work on yourself and your own growth.

I hear you, understand, been there too. At some point I told myself that I am going to start living again and stop beating myself up. Adopted it’s a “mind over matter thing” and sometimes we think what is wolves are only coyotes. I’m not saying it was right, wrong, good or bad. It’s what I had to do.

What are you struggling with exactly? If it is not longing for your AP, is it guilt? Shame? A lack of satisfaction with your marriage/husband/life situation? If the affair was mostly emotional, did that fulfill some need that you have since buried? Is that holding you back?

Above all, don't lose hope; figure out what is going on with you and your feelings and expectations and desires for your emotional needs (and sexual needs perhaps?). It generally sounds like you have something suppressed, a feeling or a need perhaps, but without more information it is hard for me to say. But, I do think you need to figure that out. I also advise that you don't stay tied to a single end result as your expectation (i.e. staying married above all else, perhaps) or you may not be able to fully let yourself figure out what is going on for you. If you don't know what you need or desire, then there is no way you can get it met, or help your husband know how to meet it for you (or if he can...).

Thank you for the responses. I suppose I should have said I'm no longer longing for my AP. It took a long time to let go of that relationship because he was a life-long friend. I did love him and could have pursued that relationship if I was not married (he was single).

I guess I am struggling with the dissatisfaction of marriage following the affair. All of my husband's "faults" are highlighted and amplified and I am questioning our compatibility. None of this is his fault at all and I don't even want to suggest that he was to blame in any way for the situation. I mention it because things that were not perfect before, but I was ok with seem overwhelming now.

The other confusing thing is that I loved my husband before getting into this mess. I was in love with him and absolutely certain he is the one for me. Now, it's like the emotions of the affair erased all that used to be meaningful to me and left a huge hole. I expected that things would normalize with time and that those feeling would return, but that's not happening. I don't know how others in this situation feel about their BS. I know they are trying to save the marriage, but how do they feel?

It's not an easy thing to even consider leaving the marriage to explore those hidden/possibly repressed parts of myself. We've been married 17 years and have children. My deepest hope is that the marriage can still be saved. That happiness is possible. I'm going through the motions of working on things, but feel frozen in this numb emotional state. Wanted to see if anyone else has experienced this. Again, thanks for the responses. They do help.

Hi Jfair
I have been in exactly same situation and have to tell you that even after 5 years still the same emotional reaction from my wife.
She doesn’t want to forgive me for cheating and has made clear her position.
We have not divorced yet for many reasons but sometimes I wish to leave ASAP.
I am leaving a nightmare and in an abusive relationship.
I am trying to do my best but doesn’t depend only from what we do.
We have to build trust again and is very hard and requires a lot of time and effort specially when the partner is quit from trying and wants to move on.
All depends on you and how much can you resist the war you have from your hubby.
I have consumed all my self and after 5 years I am thinking wasn’t worth it at all.
I am not saying to quit from your marriage but to worn you that will be very hard .
Maybe you should prepare your self for anything might happen and is against what you schedule or scheduled .
I believe is completely up to your hubby if your marriage will survive or not.
I am afraid that you can not change anything if your hubby doesn’t want to give another chance to your marriage.
Anyway a lot of hugs