So, as hard as it is for me to say, I've basically had an affair on my partner now of 4 years.

We've talked about the reasons, I've taken full accountability over my actions, I have not blamed him for anything.

We got into a relationship 4 years ago doing "everything right". We wanted to develop a friendship first, waited 6 months, and then decided to date. A year into first meeting him he lost his job and didn't work for 3 years. During this time my Mom died in 2012 and left me some cash, so I figured it was alright with him staying with me. But what happened was that I felt truly alone and was going through one of the worst experiences of my life at 24. I'm an orphan, my Dad passed back in 2007. I didn't know what to do and thought that I was drowning with another sinking ship - I've done this with friends and family members and I absolutely refused to do it again. So it almost felt like my body was just moving towards comfort - I wasn't sleeping, smoking a ton of weed, and wasn't taking care of myself. I slept with my ex a bunch of times, and 2 other people - I was really just looking for other options WHILE being "civil" with my partner. I tried to push money issues to the back of my mind as money should never be a reason to debase myself like I did, and it truly isn't. I just felt that he was beginning to use me. Turns out he wasn't at all. We are deeply in love, as hard as it is to say after all this, and he is still with me. But what I can't shake is the anxiety when I go outside.

I don't know if anyone has ever heard of "the cheating game", but in college, before I cheated, people suspected that I had and would toy with me. I laughed it off. I'm generally an honest person. That being said I let a few smart people get into my head and now I have twitches and jitters out in public. People are honestly messing with me - can't laugh about it anymore. I'm 27 now and don't feel like a predator, but whenever I walk past someone on the street my heart flutters and my arms jerk. I can't talk with anyone without a guilty look on my face. I know it's social anxiety and I need to see someone about it - I have a plan in place already.

I just figured this was a good way to vent my feelings. My partner and I are 100% committed to one another. He has never cheated. We're working through things but as soon as I wake up in the morning I have "guilt" plastered on my face. You know, wide eyes, open mouth, dry mouth. I know this is alot more than just cheating. I felt I could be as honest and comfortable with myself in public prior to this because I hadn't done anything that immoral. But now I feel like a bad guy. I understand some psych, have a bit of a brain left, but now I can't remember anything when I talk to someone in person. I know I need to change my behaviors, and that, in reality, it's almost "understandable" why I strayed given all the details and my talks with people before the 'big C;. But I can't face the outside world right now.

I spent a night in emergency cause of a panic attack that's left me trembling, I have facial convulsions and twitches, I know I need to release alot of emotional pain from being a single child stuck dealing with a crapload of nonesense from my parents, isolation, and bad patterns of behaviour. I understand that this isn't a forum for such thoughts but just wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation. I just didn't want to play Mr. Nice guy anymore, but all I'm left with his understanding my patterns of behavior that I needed to change before they got the best of me. Well here I am, completely shamed and twitchy.

I've made an appointment with my doctor, and I'm going to think of doing some outpatient to deal with my anxiety. This, silly enough, is about ego. But I never said I was perfect and also helped my friends and family try to "see the light". But a few people have really gotten into my head and I can't let anything go.

I know with time this will get better but my entire sense of self is shattered. I feel I don't truly love him, because you don't hurt the one you love like this if you love them. But I honestly do love him, i just went squirrly for a bit.

Like I said, the brain or psychomotor issues I'm dealing with will have to be looked at by a professional. I'm just emotionally split and disconnected. Nothing feels the same, nothing looks the same, I have mild hallucinations in the corner of my eyes, I see spots, it's anxiety to it's fullest. But I also hear voices. I was told that this can happen when you cheat but that was before my Mom passed, I didn't think that I would get to this level before then. Things were all in place and my partner and i were/are very happy.

Can anyone relate? I'm not going to let this kill me, especially since we're still together, I just feel he can do better. But if he leaves, I'm not gonna be the same ever again. I need to get over this for us.