Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I've come here because I've been trying to find a place to talk with people who understand what I'm going through, and this seems to be the only place that might even remotely provide that kind of experience. Please understand - I'm not looking for anyone to validate what I've done. I'm not looking to make excuses, or blame anyone else for my actions. I alone am responsible for my choices. I know that what I've done is wrong, I regret it with every atom in my body, and I want to change. I've been hoping to find a community of like minded people who I could share with, learn from, and be accountable to.
For the most part, though, what I've found in any of the online forums that deal with this subject is hatred, condemnation, and shaming. I've seen people like me (people like us?) referred to as monsters, as terrible people, as narcissists. And honestly, I understand. I've read every single book about infidelity I can get my hands on, and I've learned so much about the kind of pain and suffering actions like mine cause. I know there are betrayed spouses out there who are suffering terribly, and I know that a lot of the anger I see online comes from that place of incredible pain.
I can't speak for anyone else, but if you're a BS I can promise you one thing - no matter how much you hate me, I hate myself just as much, and maybe more. I spend every single day regretting what I've done. It consumes me every waking hour of every day. I would do anything to take back what I did, even if I had to die. Most days, death feels like a blessing anyhow. I can barely get through the day without hiding alone somewhere to cry, often multiple times every day. Some days all I can do is lie on the floor and cry until I'm exhausted.
You might think that I only feel this way because I got caught, but I didn't. My affair was an EA with someone thousands of miles away, and I ended things without getting caught, and before I took my wedding vows. But I know it doesn't matter. What I did was a betrayal, an abuse, and it crushes me every day to know that I'm capable of that.
For mornths now, I've been working as hard as I can to get better. I've read dozens of books, and I started therapy to begin sorting through the issues that led me to this betrayal. I've learned a lot about myself. I've discovered that I have a natural tendency toward deceitfulness and keep secrets, so every day I force myself to account for whether or not I've done anything deceitful. I used to be a daily porn user, and I've completely cut myself off from all forms of erotica, because I think that, at least for me, that addiction was a stepping stone to my EA (which, despite the name, was largely sexual in nature). I do everything I can to reserve all of my sexual energy for my wife, even avoiding masturbation most of the time.
I'm hoping that in this community I can find other people who have been through what I've been through, and have come out the other side better people. If you have, I want to learn from you. I wish there was an organization like AA for people like us, where we could find a sponsor. If that exists, I'd love to know about it. I want to be accountable to someone other than myself. I have my therapist, but it would be great to have a community too. Is that something I can find here? If not, is there anywhere else I can go? Has anyone found their way out of the guilt and shame? I truly feel like it's killing me most days, and I don't know how long I can go on like this.
I hope that your healing journey is going well, and thank you again for your encouragement.
As for many of the BS' comments, you have to take that in perspective. Think about who would be hanging around sites like this just to pass judgement on and spend their time spreading anger, and meanness? There are many many people that have been cheated on in this world, and most of them will still avoid cruelty and judgement of others who have fallen, even in their pain. But, you aren't going to find them en mass as often on sites like this (apologies to the BS' in this group who are very good at being real, firm, and honest without cruelty, shaming, or meanness, I and we all value your contributions! I whole-heartedly thank you for your insights and perspectives, but I am sure you know what I mean about the heavy, cruel judging types out there.) And remember, not all affairs are the same - even as a CS myself, I will not stop short of supporting a BS and telling it straight when that BS is being deeply mistreated and hurt by their CS. Don't let anyone take advantage of you, and that's true for everyone. There are many cruel and judgmental people in the world, and as you know on any form of social media, for whatever reason or cause, they just get their kicks from saying mean things. Bottom line - Don't let yourself feel judged by strangers. Given what you have said about your affair, the judgement many of them pass on CS' may not even apply to your situation!
And I think it is important to recognize that there are many different types of affairs, it may be possible to make some broad categories, but of course, no two are alike. You are talking about having an emotional affair, right? Sexual in nature, but still not sexual in action? And before you were even married? I think you are correct in your actions to review your own self, what your needs are and what you want. Were you in love with your AP? (like really "in love" and not just infatuated or swept up with "smitten") If so, then think about why and what that says about you as a person, and for not following through with the sexual, that seems relevant and like something you can give yourself credit for keeping that level of strength. Humans are complicated beings, with complicated emotions and feelings. Just having feelings shouldn't make you feel ashamed, but we have to be sure to not hurt others or ignore them. I agree with NonJeNe guidance, we are all flawed beings and we make mistakes. Please don't keep judging yourself so harshly for it, especially since you are choosing a path toward better understanding of yourself and to being a kind, loving person. And frankly, if what you did wrong was to love another person while you were in the process of committing yourself to someone else, there are plenty of people in this world that recognize that as nothing to be ashamed of, in and of itself, our hearts are big after all. Don't deceive yourself or your spouse either, you have to be true to your feelings and theirs, and be true to who you are.
So, this is hard to write about - because I don't want it to seem like I am making cheating out to be "no big deal" because it is, and it causes great great harm and no one should do it, but I also want you to know that living under the weight of shame is no way to live, it is no way to be your best self, and your spouse wouldn't want you to live that way either (if they do, well, then you have new questions to ask and that raises its own concerns). And frankly, I'm reminded of a movie quote "I love whom I love" and there are plenty of people in this world that accept, without shame or judgement (but perhaps sometimes dealing with jealousy) that people can love more than one person, and at the same time, and they are open to that in their life and in their married life. I'm not saying that you should consider an open marriage (which would need to be done with the full consent and support and agreement of both spouses beforehand), but just to give perspective on all the "shame" arguments that many books and many BS' put out there. It is ok to let go of the shame on yourself. BE compassionate. Forgive yourself, and you can do all that still be committed to not cheating ever or again.
Hang in there, and I hope others on this site can chime in for more support as well, there are some good people here - and guess what? They cheated! And they are still good people, caring and kind, despite those mistakes or challenges. And so are you! Remember that!
Good for you for giving up porn - it can truly be addicting, unrealistic, and can perpetuate power inbalances and just mess with your head.
That said, sex isn't shameful. Loving others isn't shameful. Taking advantage of others or hurting them is shameful (but even there, you can't hold it over yourself for all time! You have to forgive and have compassion, and not judge your whole self for the rest of your life based on "your worst day" or "worst mistake"). But, please don't conflate these. I struggle with keeping myself in check here, too; that just because I fell in love with someone else and expanded my sexual comfort in the process, and I hurt my spouse in the process, doesn't mean I have to be ashamed of sex, love, or attraction to prove my penance for my actions and the results of my actions. But it is hard, because my affair was directly related to "liberating" myself from past, deeply held and largely unrecognized, sexual shames, and it actually served my spouse well during the affair (my sex drive was back after years!) but before D-Day, and I have to fight to not equate my sexuality or ability to love so deeply with the shame of the affair, and the pain and greater insecurity it caused my spouse. So, perhaps this gives you more perspective on MY comments above, that they are coming from a very personal place for me as well.
Oh, and some months ago I posted an article in this group that was very helpful for me. It directly addresses a D-Day situation, but the perspective of understanding for both the CS and the BS is profound and nonjudgmental and really helpful.
All the best to you!
Thank you so much for the kind response! I really appreciate you sharing your perspective with me, and you giving me your thoughts on my situation. Your kindness and understanding mean so much.
To your question about the nature of the affair - it's a complicated situation, because the AP is someone I've known for a long time - almost 20 years. We started off as friends in high school, and we had a lot of chemistry but we mutually agreed that we weren't right for each other, so we didn't date. We stayed friends into our 20s, and hooked up a few times. Then we moved far apart and kept in touch sporadically. We met once while I was passing through the city where she lived, and we did get together physically then, but that was before my relationship with my now wife started. Since then, and for the duration of my relationship with my now-wife, we weren't within a thousand miles of one another. The AP and I lost touch for a while when I started my relationship with my wife, but after a few years we reconnected as friends. Eventually that friendship transitioned into our EA. We would message each other occasionally - once a month or so - mostly as friends, but there were a handful of conversations we had during that time that became sexual. When I proposed to my wife, I vowed to never have a conversation like that with her again, and I haven't. Because we didn't talk that frequently, it wasn't hard to avoid talking to her. After I married my wife, I told my AP how ashamed I was about the conversations I've had with her, and that I would never do that again because I love my wife more than anything in the world except God, and I intended to uphold my marriage covenant.
In answer to your question about whether or not I was in love with the AP - I care about her a lot, because we've been friends for such a long time, but even at the height of the A I didn't love her the way I did my wife. I think what swept me into the A was a mixture of the familiarity of our relationship, the feeling of safety that came from distance (I don't think I would have crossed the physical line - I remember thinking that to myself even as we were in the middle of the A - but the distance made it such that I never had to be tested), and my own insecurity.
I really appreciate your emphasis on trying to break away from the shame. It's what my therapist has been trying to help me do too. I know in my mind that I'm more than the worst thing I've ever done, but I'm really struggling to feel it in my heart. Some days I feel like I can believe it, but then a wave of regret will wash over me and I'll have to go find a quiet place to break down.
Thank you for the recommendation of the article - I'll be reading that later today.
I wish you good luck in your recovery too!
I haven't read the other responses to your post but it's as simple as.....pre-wedding gitters. I think you're being way too hard on yourself but if this has affected you as deeply as your post, please get to a therapist. They will turn your life around so this doesn't affect your marriage going forward.
Hugs & Good Luck!!!