Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Saw YG last night. We ignored each other half the night (he has done this before) but then we caught each other's eye and I didn't know what to do so I waved. He smiled and waved back. This happened once before but when I went over to him (the past time) he was chatty and acted normal. This time there no conversing whatsoever and he made no point of coming over to say hi or welcome me back or anything like that. Granted we were not close to each other but I could just FEEL it was different. I tried not to keep looking at him but when I did I caught him looking at me a few times but nothing like the usual. I did go over to him at one point about someone else who participates with the large group and made a little joke. He laughed, made a comment and then I walked away. It was awkward, very awkward but I did it because I hated how it felt. I hated the awkardness and I had no idea why it was like this and wanted to break the ice which I am glad I did.
Before I left for a couple months, everything was fine and we were chatting a lot and joking around. Now, for whatever reason, it has changed. I know in reality this is best for me but I would be lying if I said it didnt hurt. It does. I feel rejected and like there is something wrong with me. At the end of the night he hung around talking to others but then walked by me very quickly when leaving without even saying goodbye. Yeah, that hurt too. It felt like a big slap in the face. He has always talked to me before one of us left.
I am assuming he wants to distance himself and was not comfortable with the flirting although HE WAS THE ONE INITIATING IT! That bugs me too. WTF. If you do not want attention from me how about not flirting and giving mixed signls?? I feel like Ive been played with.
So from here on out I dont even know how to act. How sad is that? I do not feel like I can be my normal self. Do I avoid him as much as possible and ignore him and pretend he doesn't exist? I am afraid to even look at him because if he ignores me it will only hurt me further but at the same time I do not want to act pissed off. I want to act like I dont even notice nor care. I do not want him to know in any, way, shape or form I am bothered or hurt by it. How do you go from joking around and flirting and having fun to barely talking and acting like it is normal? I hate feeling like this, it is so uncomfortable.
I know time will heal my hurt feelings. I am super sensitive because of my childhood and my H's past cheating. Ive had rejection almost all my life and I know this is where all these feelings stem from :(
Please advise. I have no one I can talk to about this.
Clearly you want a relationship with this man. (And BTW, What does YG stand for?) and clearly he doesn't seem into it. Respect that.
People change, feelings change. Yes, you can be flirty, LOVING even, one month ago and the next month there is no relationship at all. You know that. It could be a ton of reasons: maybe he met someone else, maybe he decided a relationship with a married woman doesn't feed his soul, maybe he is afraid of your husband, maybe he is a stand up guy and decided he wouldn't mess with another man's wife, maybe he just isn't into it anymore, maybe platinum blondes really get him going, who knows. Even if we 'feel' relationships are different and yes, I get that, there have been people who have entered my life and I was like, "this is different" that doesn't mean those people should be or can be in our life for whatever reason. I keep a piece of them in my heart, I think of them fondly, and that is where it stays.
So to answer your questions that you don't know how to act. Act normal, be yourself, but don't chase. I never chase, nor will I. I have had, we all have had, people for whatever reason choose not to stick around. That is our right and their right. If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, you will know it hands down. They will make an effort to be in your life. There will be no guessing. So as for a potential relationship with this man, put it in a bubble and blow it away. If it was mean to be it will be, let the universe sort it out.....but if you are looking for an affair now.....this isn't the guy, at least right now. Look elsewhere.
In my early days of recovery, someone said to me: 'You are allowing someone else to control too much of your emotions. You control your emotions. Life is not about what happens to you but how you react to it. Don't let emotions control you, you control how you feel". Anyway, it was something like that.....and it really helped me anxiety wise in my darkest days.
And I know you know this......I know you do, so it doesn't need to be said (although I will). The real question is: Why are you looking for something more? And you know, if its not him.......its going to be someone else until you fix whatever it is that is broken.
This is why it confuses me even more. It doesn't mean I didnt think about him a lot or look forward to our time talking/flirting because I absolutely did and I do have feelings for him whatever they may be. I was conflicted about it for many reasons but felt it was pretty safe.
I know I need to look at why I make this so important and why I allowed him and now this blow off attitude to rule my thoughts and emotions so much. I get hurt feelings easily.
I have a lot of personal stuff going on with different family members that is stressful so that could just be my mechanism for getting a break from real life for awhile. Im not sure how to go about figuring it out but I will be looking into it believe me.
I know this is better in the end for me and even though it hurts my feelings, I am thankful for it. I will be ok and I will get through it, I do not like the awkwardness more than anything. I wish it could go back to us smiling, saying hi and just chatting like I do normally with the other people there both male and female.
I understand he has every right to do whatever he wants just as I do and I have not chased him nor tried to contact him in any way after we stopped messaging and that was not much at all. I made a very brief 1 minute comment on Friday then left him alone. I wont be doing that again. I got the hint, I get he wants nothing to do with me so I am leaving him alone completely and will do my very best to not be anywhere in close proximity to him if I can help it.
We are still friends on FB and I don't even like that but unfriending shows emotion and I am not going there.
That was the point of my question. How do I act "normal" when I would normally say hello and chat and now I dont even want to look at him or say hi because I know he wants to be left alone and the last thing I want to do it be a nuisance or bother him but if I completely ignore him then it looks like something is up. I guess since that is what he is doing it is ok for me to just do the same and we can sit there and pretend we aren't ignoring each other when it is obvious we are. It feels so stupid and childish. I talk to so many of the people there as I am very outgoing so this is so foreign to me.
BTW YG is for young guy. He is much much younger than me, hence the reason it took so long for me to even notice him looking at me all the time and flirting because I didn't understand what a much younger guy would see in a much older woman. Right now I wish I had not noticed, not reacted and left things alone.
Anyway, thanks for the advice and support. I am a big codependent and people pleaser so someone acting this way is a big trigger. I have to stop looking at other people for validation and love. I know it has to come from within. I dont know how to change that or fix it.
I understand the people pleasing part. I was very much like that up until the end of my affair. For me I actually realized I was pleasing so much that I was even compromising my own values. It's hard . I'm an ACOA, so I completely get it.
Looking back, it was really about me, not about them. My guess is your YG had a crush and then an epiphany and doesn't want to get involved with a married woman or be perceived as doing so, so he is trying to create distance from you. Try to let the power of your feelings fade and focus on something else that might energize you.
Gravinggirl I plan on doing just that. I spoke with a friend today (not telling her the whole story, just that I was friends with him and now he is acting weird) and she basically said he is different, extremely shy, socially awkward and probably cannot handle the connection that was going on. She said he most likely has "mommy" issues from his mother leaving the family when he was younger and maybe that was a big part of his connection. She knows me and said I am probably feeling protective over him and want to fix him. Probably a big part of it and I probably was looking for some kind of connection as well. I am going to work on finding other things to occupy my time, will keep my distance and act normal with everyone else and do my best to give him space.
I agree it is about me and probably more about the feelings I felt when around him. I do not think it is really about him per se and I think now again, it is the feelings of rejection and not so much about him as a person. I also agree it was something I had to look forward to and be excited about. I felt nervous, butterflies in my stomach, all those rush type feelings one gets high off of very easily when in an A. Thank God it was nothing more than flirting and a few messages back and forth.
Thank you both for your support and replies. I need to work on accepting I cannot make everyone love me and its ok if they dont.