Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Lonliness...the resounding theme for me for years. I am not involved with an AP and haven't been for a very long time. When I was..I did not seek it out but wow...did I learn things about myself. Short and sweet, it filled a void that I didn't recognize until it was filled. Now, I am lonely wether I am alone or in a room full of people, just longing for someone to fill that void again. It's horrible. I reach out to my women frineds and they are wonderful. I reach out rarely to old AP, waste of time. Respect for me has gone and conversations aren't even possible. It is immaturity on their part and me expecting too much. I am worn out. Tired of being strong. My youngest is almost out of the house. I am terrified of the future. Alone. Yes, I have a husband but that doesn't mean I am not alone. I have laid next to him since my late 20's and early 30's and felt a horrible isolation.
Advice like, "tell your spouse how you feel" is much easier said than done. You can tell them until you're blue in the face but they may never understand where you're coming from.
I think the reason APs fill the void is because we are generally drawn to people that act as a mirror for us to explore ourselves. What has worked for me is examining what it was about myself that made me feel so complete during my A, then trying to cultivate that from within. It's not easy and takes a lot of self-exploration and time.. but it has worked.
My exAP, whom I desperately love(d), recently came back into my life. The more I think about it, the more I think I don't really need that, as I've already learned the lesson and experienced the personal evolution. As much as I LOVE taking to him again, it doesn't seem productive for ME.
The one thing I've found that really helps my feelings of loneliness and emptiness is yoga and dance. Losing myself in my body is incredibly healing. I don't know that it's for everyone, but perhaps you can find something physical that can help quiet your mind?
I walked away from class several years ago with this mantra that I repeat in times of despair. "I am right here and I have everything I need." Another one is "I am perfect and whole, just how I am right now."
Hang in there. You're not alone.
This is exactly what I said: "I do not want to live the rest of my life in the same house as you living like roommates. I would rather be alone so I can find someone that I enjoy being with". Two sentences, that's it and saw where it went from there. Of course you have to mean it and please know it took 10 years to say those words and 10 years of affairs......
Let me ask you, if he felt the same way about living with you, would you want to know? He just might.
I came to learn that wonderful things don't come and change can't be made from living in your comfort zone. My thought, for me, was I had no reason to bitch if I wasn't at least making an attempt for change. This is your life, you only get one you know......don't let someone else write your story for you. I personally really would rather be alone than living like that.