I had a 3 year long affair that ended about 5 years ago.  After it all came out, my husband and I recommitted to each other and I went no contact with the guy I had been seeing.  Since then, my marriage has been very up and down.  At first, my husband and I both talked about what we had both done to contribute to the affair - he was very disengaged, not affectionate, not emotionally available, not even physically available.  I had begged for affection for literally years prior to my straying.  He recognized that and apologized for it, and committed to getting better.  I obviously apologized for my affair and we talked about how I could be more open and transparent so he wouldn't have to question where I was or who I was talking to anymore.  He did get more affectionate for a while and things got better. 

But after about a year, it's like it all hit him again.  And to be honest, I had kind of expected it because I worried he hadn't fully processed things, so I didn't take offense or get too worried about it.  I just tried to be there for him and talk it out as he needed.  We tried counseling and he hated it because one of the first things our counselor did was try to get us to both see how our behaviors had contributed to this so we could make changes.  All of a sudden he was mad and said none of this was his fault and I should be in control of my own choices regardless of what he does.  He has a point, so I didn't really argue it, but I just saw him turn from wanting to work on things and being forgiving to being very resentful.  We stopped seeing that counselor and ended up having some big things come up with one of our kids and it put our marriage on hold.  

Another year after that, we tried counseling again.  He again was angry and said the counselor was just telling him how to feel because she was encouraging us to go out on dates and make an effort to connect.  He says he can't just fake connection or fake that he enjoys spending time with me.  Again, we stopped going to counseling and instead tried individual therapy.  I felt like my therapy was going alright, but he hated his.  He just felt like it was pointless.  He said his therapist told him a separation might be a good idea so he could figure out what he wanted.  I was very hurt by this at the time because we were now 2 years removed from my affair and he had "forgiven" me and convinced me we needed to be together - why does he all of a sudden get to leave and figure out what HE wants?  Anyway, I didn't have the greatest reaction to that and basically said we may as well just get divorced because we were already a million miles apart emotionally, putting physical distance between us would just be the final straw.  He said he didn't want a divorce and ultimately decided to stay in our home.  Then he quit counseling again, and so did I.

But now we are just in limbo.  He doesn't touch me.  Doesn't kiss or hug or initiate sex with me.  We don't go out together very often.  If any of these things happen it's because I initiate it or I tag along on his outings.  I feel like I'm forcing myself on him, and it feels pathetic.  We are now 5 years from when my affair ended and this is how the last 3 years have been.  Me "forcing" affection on him and him generally tolerating it or cutting it short.  We have sex maybe 2-3 times a year, always initiated by me and most of the time he is not even very involved.  Every few months I snap and tell him to just go already if he hates being with me so much and can't ever forgive me - to which he will again suggest separation because he says he doesn't want a divorce.  Then I tell him fine, separation, just go - and he never does.  We have kids and full time jobs and eventually things just blow over because we're so busy with everything else.  Until it boils over again for me because I go feeling neglected and unloved and unwanted.  The very problems that led to my affair in the first place.  

I know it's easy to say I should just leave.  But I have a large number of kids and 16 years invested in this.  Our lives are completely intertwined.  I'm close with his family.  All of our friends are the same.  We've even worked with a lot of the same people.  I do love him, and I would genuinely like this marriage to work out, so I'm hanging on to this tiny thread of hope.  He tells me he isn't sure about divorce because he thinks he can get those feelings back.  Maybe.  And until then I am apparently just supposed to wait and deal with it.  

5 years.  How long am I supposed to wait?  If this is my forever person, 5 years could be very miniscule in the grand scheme of things.  But, what if it becomes 10 years?  20 years?  I can't live like that the rest of my life.  How much time do I waste waiting on this man to get around to deciding if he has feelings for me anymore or not?  

I'm just venting a bit.  Haven't been able to do that for a long time.