I had been thinking about this after your first post. What is the reason that you are living apart? My first thought when reading your original post was that living together and working on the relationship might be better, as you would have more time to talk, and less time that you both are unaccounted for.

Having said that, much of the reason for my boyfriend's vulnerability leading to cheating were because of a lack of communication between the two of us. We do not live together (never have) and we still rebuilt, though we spent way more time together than once a week. There were several nights that we were on the telephone all night long--like 7 or 8 hours. Those long conversations were essential to our healing. It has been my experience that time together builds trust.

If it were me, as a BS, I would probably try to stay in the same house, as I would think that more togetherness might help with healing. For, me, going on a date once a week would probably not work. That is, unless you spend a lot of time in communication with each other in between.

Another thing that helped us is that we have God in our lives. I do not know your stance on this, but if you are open to it, you might try to find a church and worship together The Bible contains a lot of good advice about marriage and how to love each other.

OK, now I am getting off my soapbox... :-)

Thanks again, Sarah. Your input has been valuable.

We're renters, and our lease is coming up this month. My wife felt like she needed some time and space apart, and she felt that signing on to another 12-month lease wouldn't give her that. So rather than renew, she decided to find her own place in the area.

I guess we are doing a little bit more than weekly dates—we are going to counseling each week as well, and I try to text her/talk on the phone some too. I've brought up the idea of possibly staying over at her new place on occasion, but I don't want to pressure her too hard. She said she might be open to that at some point.

If I were your W, what I would want from you is for you to be reaching out to me a lot, like daily. And, since she is wanting space apart, for you to put the staying over thing on the back burner, that will happen when the time is right. I would not even bring that up--she needs to feel that this is about love, not about sex. She very well may consider this as pressure, which is the last thing she needs. What she needs right now is to be reassured that you value her as a wife and as a person, outside of the bedroom. If you two decide to sleep together, it will happen soon enough.

I am glad that you are going to counseling, and hopeful that your counselor is pro-marriage.

I have been texting her frequently, asking her about how her day is going. She works a high-stress job, so she likes to vent a little, and I'm trying to be there to listen, encourage, and offer some humor if possible.

Regarding sleeping together, funny thing is, we actually did not long after the affair was discovered (that happened at the end of April; she moved out last week, so we did live together through May and June). After about a week of pretty much pure anger on her part, things seemed to be getting better, and we were going on dates and such. And the sex was, IMO, really good. Like, as good as it had ever been. Maybe we were both trying much harder to make things work?

In any case, I thought it seemed like we were on an OK path and we could continue living together. But as I mentioned, she did ultimately decide to get her own place. We haven't had sex since mid-May or so, but there still has been some hugging, cuddling and kissing (on the cheek kinda stuff). Went to see her for a bit this past Monday at her new place, and we sat together on the couch, and I had my arm around her and gave her a few kisses. Definitely not anywhere close to the intimacy we had (I can tell she's not feeling 100% in to it), but maybe we can get back to that place

Perhaps you can, this all sounds promising. I would warn you about texting or e-ailing instead of talking on the phone, though. This was part of the problem leading to my boyfriend's cheating--he thought e-mailing me was the way to communicate. What we have learned since is that it is not a substitute for hearing the other person's voice--also some things can be misconstrued when put into text.

I know when she is at work you might not be able to call, but if you can, in the evenings, follow up your texts with a call. She needs to feel valued, that might be where she is struggling right now.

If you work hard at it, I have the feeling that you guys will be able to get back to 100%. Just know that it takes time, a lot of time sometimes. Betrayal is very damaging to the person betrayed, in more ways than one. Patience and understanding and kindness is what is called for right now. I feel that you are on the right track! :-)

I did that and it worked for me. I am the bs. Please feel free to read my early open journal from about July 2011. I think it is titled "my story".

My story is long so that's the best way to understand.

Hey Mike, I want to recommend this book to you (and your wife). Especially if she reads it (perhaps you can read it together), she might better understand some dynamics of cheating that you two have not explored. I know it helped me a lot.

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Dr. Scott Haltzman.

Mike, wanted to pitch in a very similar situation:

It's been 103 days since D-day, and my wife and I have been through hell and back.

She has likewise indicated a desire for "space and time," and so I'm currently by myself trying to honor her desires. It frankly doesn't feel right; she has divorce papers filed and I'm worried this is just "practice" separation.

I've been trying to reach out to her daily; texts, emails, flowers/gifts, but I think they are falling on deaf ears.
All the resentment I feel from her just makes me increasingly hopeless. Frankly, I'm enjoying being alone. I just want a marriage of positive support and love; maybe ours is doomed.

Timothy, I hope you will be able to save your marriage. You mentioned e-mails and texts in your message, but not calls. I will tell you that the absence in calls, i.e., actually talking, left a void in the relationship between my boyfriend and I. That void caused us some real problems in communication pre-affair which in part was why neither of us was having our needs met. If you are not calling her, it might help for you to start doing so.

Nothing falls on deaf ears however I would consider replacing gifts like flowers with reading done books on healing your marriage and rebuilding. Let her know what your reading. I would also suggest in your next text send her all of your user names and passwords.

Let her know you will answer any questions she has when she is ready.

I love you and I'm sorry are great but real action is better. If you haven't found a mc yet, maybe find one and set up an appointment. IC is another thing that could help.

The book so many suggest is (i will get the name "almost" right) "how to help your spouse heal from your infidelity, the compact manual".

those are just suggestions from my experience as a bs who's in a rebuilt marriage.